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........People who have never experienced this situation do not understand it and really shouldn't be responding here. ........
And just exactly how do you know that the people posting here have not gone through anything similar?
OP does not have to try to reestablish any sort of relationship. All she has to do is to send the sister a very brief notice that her mother has died. Since she is so hostile towards her sister, a text that says Mrs Name of Mom passed away yesterday would be sufficient. She doesn't even have to sign it if she wants to carry pettiness to the extreme and doesn't want any further contact, but, regardless, the sister should be informed..
I posted above (#42) in which all I said was agreeing w/ 2 posters about texting your sister & probably consulting a lawyer too, but I want to add, my fiance' will be in a smiliar situation once his parents pass away. My fiance' has gone no-contact w/ his narc(issistic) family for the last few years now, but it's been a lot longer specifically w/ his father. They're ALL toxic narcs in which none of them ever loved, supported, respected, etc. him & I've seen first-hand what they've done for a LOT of the last years & it's really sad & horrendous how they've all treated him.
So it's both his (biological) parents, a twin brother, & 2 younger siblings. I just hope just because it's ALL of them against just him that people don't just assume that my fiance' must be the problem because, "all of them just can't be wrong". Now I'm not doubting your sister has mental issues as you say. I hope what you're telling us on this board is true, but many families could say anything to others when it's ALL of them against the so-called, "black sheep" of the family who just was never like the rest of them.
And since I'm on this point, I find it odd that you said & I quote that you were, "terrified of your sister", yet you "let her stay w you for a MONTH". If you're so terrified of her even way back then when you were all younger, you wouldn't in a million years allow her to stay w/ you for a month, not even a couple of days. And I don't think the fact that you're decades older has anything to do w/ it. In fact, she's probably MUCH worse at her older age & has even more reasons to be scared of because of her probably built-up resentment & hate for you & the whole family, so she really had years to stew in her juices so to speak. So how in the world did you close your eyes every night, knowing your sister who you're so terrified of is sleeping in the next room? Even if you & your family in the house all locked your doors, why in the world would you have to do to that in YOUR OWN house. Just because your sister's much older now, that doesn't mean she's all settled & tired & has no reason to be terrified of anymore. Elderly people can still have sinister motives too. We hear/see all kinds of crazy storeis on the news all the time.
Now returning back to my situation...my fiance' is of sound mind & body. It's all of them who are toxic & horrendous, but God knows what they tell others if anyone else (such as extended family) ever asks any of them about my fiance'. They could easily say, he's the, "crazy one" or whatever because they know we'll never know what they said.
Anyway, when each of my fiance's parents die, I really don't know if any of his siblings will let him know or not. I'm thinking NO. But, it's not like either of his parents have any assets anyway. Neither of them even owns their own home so my fiance' won't be out anything because there's no home for the other siblings to sell & divide the profit 3-ways plus, his dad's remarried, so that wife would get everything anyway. Sure, the cars they may own (unless that's leased too) is the next best asset, but my fiance' could care less about getting a part of that.
And just exactly how do you know that the people posting here have not gone through anything similar?
OP does not have to try to reestablish any sort of relationship. All she has to do is to send the sister a very brief notice that her mother has died. Since she is so hostile towards her sister, a text that says Mrs Name of Mom passed away yesterday would be sufficient. She doesn't even have to sign it if she wants to carry pettiness to the extreme and doesn't want any further contact, but, regardless, the sister should be informed..
Yep, as I said earlier in the thread, keep it brief and factual. OP may want to learn to practice some detachment. I understand all too well how a mentally ill sibling can cause internal emotional turmoil, but detachment is the best way to deal with it, in my experience. Just as you would have to do with an alcohol in your life, bear in mind that you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. You can only control how you respond.
So your sister has had mental problems and been suicidal from a young age. She also has a child with mental problems. People aren't to blame for being mentally ill, but you clearly feel a lot of animosity toward her.
No one said they are blaming my sister for having mental problems, it's not her fault. What is in her control is getting help which she did (sadly she didn't get better). First my mother got her help when she first showed signs, then when she was married she saw a therapist and to my knowledge she isn't any better. I do know she suffers from phobias as I do. All the females in my family suffer from phobias, I have a fear of heights.
Again, I'm not blaming anyone who has mental illness problems, just the opposite as I have lots of compassion for disabled people of any type, emotional, physical, etc.
My animosity stems from my sister not contacting my mother after all these years, not from her being mentally ill. That she can't help. What is the big deal in calling my mother and asking her how she is doing? That would make my mom very happy.
It's a little late to backpedal now. Yes, you DO blame her for actions and inactions caused by her mental illness. You even want to "punish" her by withholding information later on.
Maybe she can't contact your mother because she's...mentally ill. Maybe she can't attend to her own needs much less anyone else's. Maybe she can't even function. Do you care about her welfare, or is all about you and, ostensibly, your mother?
BTW, there's this thing called "a mother's love." I can't imagine a parent ever giving up on a child, particularly knowing she's mentally ill. On the one hand, you say she's rejected her to the point of cutting her out of the will (hopefully she wasn't being manipulated) and, on the other, you say she'd love to hear from her.
No one said they are blaming my sister for having mental problems, it's not her fault. What is in her control is getting help which she did (sadly she didn't get better). First my mother got her help when she first showed signs, then when she was married she saw a therapist and to my knowledge she isn't any better. I do know she suffers from phobias as I do. All the females in my family suffer from phobias, I have a fear of heights.
Again, I'm not blaming anyone who has mental illness problems, just the opposite as I have lots of compassion for disabled people of any type, emotional, physical, etc.
My animosity stems from my sister not contacting my mother after all these years, not from her being mentally ill. That she can't help. What is the big deal in calling my mother and asking her how she is doing? That would make my mom very happy.
Yeah, but mentally ill people, depending on their condition, can be very self-absorbed. Your posts and some of the reactions to it have made me think about starting a conversation elsewhere about dealing with mentally ill family members. Even when we know they can't help it, tough emotions do rise, and denying them is not helpful, but neither is letting them rule our behavior.
I just spent a week at my home (I am temporarily living elsewhere) and have allowed my brother to stay at my home in my absence so he won't be homeless. Being around him for a week drove home how much I really can't stand being around him. Even though I know rationally he can't help who he is, it is still disturbiing to be around such a disagreeable, self-pitying, self-absorbed and annoying human being. I have to remind myself not to expect him to be anything else.
Do the same. Don't expect your sister to be different from who you know her to be. Try to detach and observe her as you would a science project, without letting your feelings dictate your actions. It is all we can do.
I posted above (#42) in which all I said was agreeing w/ 2 posters about texting your sister & probably consulting a lawyer too, but I want to add, my fiance' will be in a smiliar situation once his parents pass away. My fiance' has gone no-contact w/ his narc(issistic) family for the last few years now, but it's been a lot longer specifically w/ his father. They're ALL toxic narcs in which none of them ever loved, supported, respected, etc. him & I've seen first-hand what they've done for a LOT of the last years & it's really sad & horrendous how they've all treated him.
So it's both his (biological) parents, a twin brother, & 2 younger siblings. I just hope just because it's ALL of them against just him that people don't just assume that my fiance' must be the problem because, "all of them just can't be wrong". Now I'm not doubting your sister has mental issues as you say. I hope what you're telling us on this board is true, but many families could say anything to others when it's ALL of them against the so-called, "black sheep" of the family who just was never like the rest of them.
And since I'm on this point, I find it odd that you said & I quote that you were, "terrified of your sister", yet you "let her stay w you for a MONTH". If you're so terrified of her even way back then when you were all younger, you wouldn't in a million years allow her to stay w/ you for a month, not even a couple of days. And I don't think the fact that you're decades older has anything to do w/ it. In fact, she's probably MUCH worse at her older age & has even more reasons to be scared of because of her probably built-up resentment & hate for you & the whole family, so she really had years to stew in her juices so to speak. So how in the world did you close your eyes every night, knowing your sister who you're so terrified of is sleeping in the next room? Even if you & your family in the house all locked your doors, why in the world would you have to do to that in YOUR OWN house. Just because your sister's much older now, that doesn't mean she's all settled & tired & has no reason to be terrified of anymore. Elderly people can still have sinister motives too. We hear/see all kinds of crazy storeis on the news all the time.
Now returning back to my situation...my fiance' is of sound mind & body. It's all of them who are toxic & horrendous, but God knows what they tell others if anyone else (such as extended family) ever asks any of them about my fiance'. They could easily say, he's the, "crazy one" or whatever because they know we'll never know what they said.
Anyway, when each of my fiance's parents die, I really don't know if any of his siblings will let him know or not. I'm thinking NO. But, it's not like either of his parents have any assets anyway. Neither of them even owns their own home so my fiance' won't be out anything because there's no home for the other siblings to sell & divide the profit 3-ways plus, his dad's remarried, so that wife would get everything anyway. Sure, the cars they may own (unless that's leased too) is the next best asset, but my fiance' could care less about getting a part of that.
When I was terrified of my sister I was about 10 years old and that was over 55 years ago. My sister stopped cutting and having outbursts when she was in her early 20's (she started about 13 or 14 years old). During those years afterward I visited her at her house and she came to my house. I forgave her a long time ago because I knew she couldn't help it.
Very sorry about your fiance and his family. It's really a shame when family can't get along with each other. Except for a close cousin I have no family left, everyone has passed away except for my sister.
Yeah, but mentally ill people, depending on their condition, can be very self-absorbed. Your posts and some of the reactions to it have made me think about starting a conversation elsewhere about dealing with mentally ill family members. Even when we know they can't help it, tough emotions do rise, and denying them is not helpful, but neither is letting them rule our behavior.
I just spent a week at my home (I am temporarily living elsewhere) and have allowed my brother to stay at my home in my absence so he won't be homeless. Being around him for a week drove home how much I really can't stand being around him. Even though I know rationally he can't help who he is, it is still disturbiing to be around such a disagreeable, self-pitying, self-absorbed and annoying human being. I have to remind myself not to expect him to be anything else.
Do the same. Don't expect your sister to be different from who you know her to be. Try to detach and observe her as you would a science project, without letting your feelings dictate your actions. It is all we can do.
I think a conversation elsewhere about dealing with mentally ill family members would be wonderful!
You're right about accepting people and the only thing we have is how we react to them.
I'm in a similar position but with several siblings. So you don't have any regrets later about telling sis or not, my suggestion is to text her, nothing more or nothing less. What she does with the text is up to her. Your so-called "sis duty" is done. How she handles the text will be telling (will she read and ignore it, will she visit mom, etc.). NO REGRETS.
Had a similar situation with my brother. Another brother texted him that Dad died and he accused the family of harassing him and threatened a restraining order when we were trying to make funeral arrangements and grieve my father. We just didn't need his drama on top of losing Dad.
Your sister sounds like a whole lotta drama. She has said she wants no contact from you or your mother. Respect her wishes. She hasn't been around in 20+ years. You owe her nothing.
Last edited by kimtisha; 01-22-2023 at 05:49 PM..
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