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For me, there were a lot of red flags that have gone up with the young parents. I must concede that the baby can not go outside because the neighborhood is riddled with the homeless, drugs, and other dangers. That is a fair point.
I also come from parents who always offered food to family and friends. It's just what I'm used to. And that's what we always did. It feels cold to me to not offer food and drinks. Especially for family who I'm grateful to for providing care to my baby.
Look, maybe it's just me. But I always got that taking care of an infant, even mine, is not the most exciting of ventures. A lot of the time it isn't for the parents as well. I'd be glad that someone is taking on the task to allow me to work uninterrupted. I would probably go overboard showing my appreciation.
But as much as I love food, I do not believe the lack of lunch is what is driving the issues between the grandparents and the DIL and Son.
To me, it could be a workable solution for the parents to drop the grandson off at the grand's safe neighborhood or at least allow them to drive them a short distance to a park. I know. I know. Please note this is my opinion. I don't think the grands are doddering old fools that can't be entrusted to do that. Again, that's just me. But I do see the grands as forgiving. They did look past the hurt of being ignored while fighting cancer. Twice.
Also, I have to admit I do tend to get emotional when I hear parents who refuse to administer the standard vaccinations to their children. POLIO. Really folks? Not to mention small pox, diphtheria, measles, mumps, rubella. Try as I might, I can't wrap my mind around it. Plus they enjoy the results of the other young parents who do 'risk' vaccines on their children as they protect the unvaxed. But if enough parents reject science and go the no vax route, there will no longer be herd immunity. Can you imagine an outbreak of polio? In the United States of America?
I think the son could be a lot like his parents and is non confrontational with his wife. Maybe she's a strong personality who runs the show. Maybe the son agrees with her and is much like her in terms of the DIL's child rearing views. Let's hope so cause that might be an issue eventually as well.
Last edited by Shallow Hal; 07-12-2023 at 04:21 PM..
Too bad the grandma isn't close enough to her son to call him and just ask about everything. Why complain to the OP? Just get things cleared up and understood.
That sounds really reasonable to me Kara. But I wonder if the grands fear the son reporting back to the DIL who will withdraw their grandson from them. It's tricky. It may not be the case but maybe they fear the DIL holds all the power. I think we can all agree that the DIL (and perhaps son) have some fairly strict rules when it comes to their child. I hope the parent's future discipline is more measured than the approach they're taking for their infant son. Again, IMO.
Let's think about money. This couple can't afford a place in a safe neighborhood, they're asking their parents to watch the baby while both work. They give the impression that they don't want others raiding their refrigerator. Maybe they're just broke, trying to dig out of a financial pit. Maybe.
First it needs to be determined who is really running the show. Usually that is the mother, with an infant this age. So IF it is the mother, going to the son is a very bad idea. But going to her may not be possible because she might be a dominant type personality, she might still be having hormones that are levelling out... for whatever reason she might not welcome this type of conversation no matter how calm and rational.
If my son had a wife and they had a new baby (I wish! ) I would not talk with my son about it. I would try to broach the subject with both of them, after waiting for an opportune time. Timing is as important as how the conversation is approached.
OP stated that her friend wants to be in her grandchild's life, so I hope this works out. It may take some time. Those of us who are parents might remember how things changed with our second child. I was much more relaxed with my second child. Lots of women are. Also, the son probably doesn't want to rock the boat but that doesn't excuse him being a distant son.
As for the vaccination issue, what are they going to do if/when grandparents are no longer available for babysitting duty? New can of worms. They'd better get a Plan B in place or they'll be scrambling, unexpectedly.
I've been re-reading this entire thread and want to mention something here. There is a lot of ageism going on in our society and a lot of it is unwarranted not to mention unkind. I'm almost 72. I am a high energy, very vibrant well-educated and intelligent person and I have all my marbles, ok? And so do a lot of other people on here who are in their 70's! Granted, I/we probably wouldn't be able to take on more than 20 hours a week helping a son or daughter with the newborn or toddler, but I sure as hell can do a lot because I still do in other ways. I'm not feeble, I'm not frail and I'm not brain addled. Neither are the 70's-ish people here.
This grandmother feels intimidated and is trying to feel her way in this situation without losing the relationship with her grandson and yet people are calling her feeble or otherwise unfit to take care of their infant grandson?! Give me a break.
This whole situation reminds me of a brief nanny job I had after which I found a job that lasted over 2 yrs. I was supposed to nanny a 12 month old girl, the daughter of two neurologists. This baby was a spoiled so-and-so, always caterwauling about something. Very stubborn and wouldn't let up. This sounds harsh, but she really was almost impossible to deal with. (Maybe that's why the job was available?) I don't know what went on before I took that job, but she was clearly indulged, and to her detriment. The mother also flat out insinuated that I was "too old" to babysit an infant even though I was in my 50's, and I had become a mother at age 32 and 35. Ok then. Bye-bye. The next job was so much better!
I was supposed to nanny a 12 month old girl, the daughter of two neurologists. This baby was a spoiled so-and-so, always caterwauling about something. Very stubborn and wouldn't let up. This sounds harsh, but she really was almost impossible to deal with. (Maybe that's why the job was available?) I don't know what went on before I took that job, but she was clearly indulged, and to her detriment.
The kid's barely old enough to start walking and you think she was crying because she was spoiled? Good gravy. This is not helping your argument.
I've been re-reading this entire thread and want to mention something here. There is a lot of ageism going on in our society and a lot of it is unwarranted not to mention unkind. I'm almost 72. I am a high energy, very vibrant well-educated and intelligent person and I have all my marbles, ok? And so do a lot of other people on here who are in their 70's! Granted, I/we probably wouldn't be able to take on more than 20 hours a week helping a son or daughter with the newborn or toddler, but I sure as hell can do a lot because I still do in other ways. I'm not feeble, I'm not frail and I'm not brain addled. Neither are the 70's-ish people here.
This grandmother feels intimidated and is trying to feel her way in this situation without losing the relationship with her grandson and yet people are calling her feeble or otherwise unfit to take care of their infant grandson?! Give me a break.
This whole situation reminds me of a brief nanny job I had after which I found a job that lasted over 2 yrs. I was supposed to nanny a 12 month old girl, the daughter of two neurologists. This baby was a spoiled so-and-so, always caterwauling about something. Very stubborn and wouldn't let up. This sounds harsh, but she really was almost impossible to deal with. (Maybe that's why the job was available?) I don't know what went on before I took that job, but she was clearly indulged, and to her detriment. The mother also flat out insinuated that I was "too old" to babysit an infant even though I was in my 50's, and I had become a mother at age 32 and 35. Ok then. Bye-bye. The next job was so much better!
I don't think that people in their 70's, in general, are doddering. But this particular couple and the way they handle things and communicate could indicate some dementia.
It could mean that the in-laws are difficult in some way and their son and DIL have laid down some laws with them.
It could mean that the DIL is a control freak who wants to be in charge and cows her husband and anyone who tries to help them.
It could mean that they've raised an ungrateful jerk of a son.
I do not for a second think that their long list of grievances amount to a hill of beans. Yes, it would be nice for these young parents to show a little hospitality and some gratitude. But they are also tired parents of a small baby who also work FT from home and likely don't have a lot of extra money to spare. As a mom, the last thing I would want my adult child to do in a situation like that is spend money on lunch for me. In fact, I would be far more likely to bring lunch for them.
Babies aren't babies for long. I'd tell those grandparents to enjoy their time with their grandchild. If they need to bring a little cooler with bottled water and some ham & cheese sandwiches for themselves, just do it.
I can understand why the new parents would say no going out in the neighborhood if there's a big problem with homeless encampments/drug users.
Removing shoes and washing hands is common. We do that in our house even without a new infant.
The other rules though are a bit too extreme and would cause me to gently tell them I was not available to babysit any longer, or maybe it would cause me to say that I could only come over and babysit for a few hours at a time. I might be willing to come by in the morning one time per week and babysit from 9-noon knowing I could only have water and had to stay on the couch, but I wouldn't stay for a seven hour day. Staying from 9-noon would be only three hours and I could leave and go eat my nice lunch at home. If they balk, simply explain the issue. You get bored on the couch for seven hours a day and you want to have lunch and snacks and drinks. They can loosen up the rules or pay for an outside babysitter.
And I sense a lot of the anxiety is because they are choosing not to vaccinate baby, but that is on them.
Well I do usually take food to my daughters’ homes when I mind the kids. I am welcome to raid the fridge and cupboards but the food in their houses is all so extremely healthy. Nothing interesting to eat!!
They also have a lot of limits on screen time etc (school age kids now) but I get them to write it all down and try to comply. I think they used to be a bit anxious about me driving the kids around but do not even think about it now. Have to take two to the city tomorrow on public transport to go to a couple of museums which I find more challenging than just driving.
Not sure what is going on in the OP’s story. It is strange.
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) I would not talk with my son about it. I would try to broach the subject with both of them, after waiting for an opportune time. Timing is as important as how the conversation is approached.
