Life changes and venting (husband, holidays, divorced, brother)
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I feel like I need to connect a bit here with others who are in a similar situation. Ideally, I should be trying to connect in person with others about this.. but for now, I'm feeling motivated to post this here to start with. So I am 49, female, no kids, in relatively good health, work from home with a good job, financially stable. I'm also not married, but my boyfriend of 9 years lives with me.
I am at a crossroads as to what to do moving forward. For the last 8 years, I've been looking all over the country for a new city/state to move to with my boyfriend (he doesn't want to move nearly as much as I do). Currently my boyfriend and I live in the southern part of NJ. He is 60 years old, no kids, and his health is beginning to decline, but with no official diagnosis.. he is starting to have trouble eating at restaurants (e.g., about 2-3 times per week now, he says too much salt, too much grease, something doesn't sit right, he gets bloated, can't sleep, he gets itchy at night for some reason, broke out in hives for 2 months and needed a steroid to control it, can't have sex anymore, even cooking at home a lot of times he doesn't feel good, etc). However, he is active, goes to the gym, works very part-time, and he's a nice person; but he has no money - nothing saved up for retirement, and he avoids seeing doctors because he doesn't want to pay the money to get further testing beyond bloodwork. When I met him 9 years ago, I didn't anticipate having to be a caretaker when he was 60, but it's starting to feel that way.
So, in addition to this, my family is dwindling.. which is scary. I had an extremely good family situation on my mother's side while I was growing up, until about age 45. My mother was in excellent health, until she wasn't, and her health declined and she passed away suddenly about 2 years ago. We were very close. Her siblings (my Aunt and Uncle) held the family together since then, having holiday gatherings at their home, but now their health is in serious decline as well.. they are in a lot of pain that can't be cured, and I believe they have what my mother had health-wise, which they aren't looking forward to.
My dad is 76, he is in good health, lives in upstate NY, very physically active, but he is judgmental, he isn't the nicest person to be around, he gets irritable if I see him for more than 2 days at a time, and he just really isn't that pleasant. He keeps wanting me to move up there, but I'm really uncomfortable around him, and I'm not sure about moving to Rochester, where's he's from. I had a mediocre to poor relationship with him my whole life. He's never ever invited me to his home for Thanksgiving or the holidays.. (he and my mother divorced when I was 6). I see him about once a year, and honestly, that's enough.
I have a half-brother from my father's second marriage. He refused to ever get into a relationship due to his parents fighting every day during his childhood. He is now living in Europe part-time and also works here in the U.S. He travels constantly, sold his home, and lives in hotels by choice. He is financially well off, no kids; he is also very stubborn, not that pleasant to be around, and he honestly makes me uncomfortable because he's so stoic. However, we do have a relationship.. we talk about 3-4x per year and he's been visiting me more lately, though he still stresses me out.
I have a few female first cousins who are about 15-18 years younger than me. They aren't that friendly with me, or with each other. I find them to be really serious, they never had families of their own, two of them still live at home (they are mid 30's). They aren't that social, one has borderline personality disorder (she's adopted), the other barely says a word during family gatherings. I'm the more talkative one.
I feel like I'm the one in my family who likes to travel, take risks, move to new places, try new things. So, anyway, due to the holidays coming up.. and the shorter days... and this is the first year my Aunt and Uncle aren't hosting Thanksgiving due to health issues.. and I live in a small condo (so I'm not sure I want to host), ... I feel like things are changing. I feel like I'm losing the last bit of family I have left due to their health issues. The other family members feel hollow to me.. I have a cousin who is completely into herself.. she never wants to hear how I'm doing.. yet she'll talk to me for hours about her own life.. asking for advice. And then she gets tired and has to end the call or visit when I start sharing about my life.
I want to find a new "family" of friends. I have a few friends around the country, as I've lived all over in my 20's and 30's. They all started families.. I'm not sure how much time they will have for me. This is also a time in my life where I feel like I need more connection, since my family (grandmother and mother) were a huge part of my life until my 40's (they are gone now).
Does anyone have any suggestions for how to move forward? I am definitely wanting to move to another city, which I'm researching. My boyfriend and I have become more like roommates, which is a bit depressing. Though he is still a friend, which is important. I'm not sure I want to keep living with him, but he can't afford to live on his own financially.. he does contract work as a musician and he deducts all his income on his taxes so he can't show any income to get approved to buy a home of his own. And he can't afford rent in the kind of place he wants to live in. I've thought about breaking up, moving, and finding a new relationship with someone I'm more compatible with now, but he fights with me about it, he doesn't make it easy when I bring up the subject.
I feel like I want to find someone new that I can have fun with, get married, and if they have older kids I can be part of that family. Or at least just find someone new to have fun with. At the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready to leave the one person I know the best right now.. and move to a new area of the country without knowing anyone. Though I've done this in the past when I was younger, and it was no problem. I feel like if I stay with him, I'm going to get older faster.. he sits around and doesn't like to do much. When I first met him, he was much more active. However, even when he was feeling better a few years ago (before Covid), he refused to travel with me anymore and he preferred to stay home.
All of this is really very simple, you are thinking waaaaay toooooo much into all of this. Put things in perspective. Your overall happiness in "your" life. This is your priority. Now, what is it going to take to get you to a happy, content place in your life?
Just what you said. Break up with the guy (not because he did anything wrong) but because for whatever reasons which are your personal, private reasons, you aren't happy. Make a list of things you enjoy and see if you can find an area that will work for you and your hobbies. Move and let yourself heal from your breakup. When you feel better, start gettig out and meeting people. Use your hobbies first. Sit at the bar at restaurants rather than alone in a huge booth. Meet people, make conversation. You will do fine and you will be so much happier. Do what your "gut" feeling tells you to do. The "gut" feeling is your body's emotional defense mechanism trying to warn you of impending danger. Trust it.
Sounds like the boyfriend is looking for a “nurse with a purse”. Why would he want to get married when he has all the conveniences without the commitment?
I think you need to dump the boyfriend. When he’s on his own, he’ll quickly figure out how to get by, whether that be to get a job or find another “nurse”.
Once you’re able to get rid of that distraction, you’ll be clearer on what to do and things will fall into place.
I can't believe, that the same person who said this:
earlier said this: Your relationship is echoing your family dynamics to the extent that it's holding you back from moving to new places, trying new things and taking risks. Nothing's stopping you from traveling though. You could enjoy that on your own. What have you two been doing for "vacations" the last couple of years? If he doesn't want to go anywhere, go on your own.
You don't sound like you're happy now, yet your lack of confidence is holding you back. You're willing to stay with a guy you're not married to for the foreseeable future, accept a sexless life and somewhat of a caregiver role to someone with no retirement savings and very little means to support himself at all, just to maintain some sort of comfort zone for yourself? OP, does that sound rational to you?
OTOH, breaking up with someone you chose to be with for 8 years who had no savings then, either (was he at least working full time when you met?) would admittedly be a difficult move. Where are you two living? Who pays the bills? If you were to relocate, do you have a portable job?
He doesn't need to buy a home. He can apply for subsidized senior housing where he lives. Some of those facilities only take people age 62+, but others take applicants over 55. He'd have to find a job to pay for groceries and medical insurance, or apply for Medicaid.
You'll have to be ready for a very difficult conversation to initiate this breakup. He seems to be taking for granted that you'll always be there to support him. The reality check will be painful for him. But you go yourself into this; you can get yourself out.
From everything else that was stated he's the one that's been in a caretaker role all this time. Then, OP started getting raises and had a different financial perspective. I'm not saying he's marriage material as I would have never gone anywhere near that situation on day one. She's obviously had him there for a reason all that time.
She's close to being old and dealing with a new reality with her health too. If she was 30 instead of 49 that would be a different ball of wax.
The problem is that she is in it in the first place. Then, where do you go from there? I guess since you do not have a circle of friends to hold you accountable you just dump the guy????? The better thing to do would be for both of them to do the work to become fully functional humans inside the relationship. But, that would take work whereas she imagines just making a switch (but, then, she's never done the work and still codependent (not a great formula for relationship success) so she will have a short term fix.
Sounds like the boyfriend is looking for a “nurse with a purse”. Why would he want to get married when he has all the conveniences without the commitment?
I think you need to dump the boyfriend. When he’s on his own, he’ll quickly figure out how to get by, whether that be to get a job or find another “nurse”.
Once you’re able to get rid of that distraction, you’ll be clearer on what to do and things will fall into place.
I don't think so. They've been together quite a while. I think she could light a fire under him to get his stuff together and they could both work their shxt out. People think they can just trade up and dump people. Karma comes back on that all the time.
I don't think so. They've been together quite a while. I think she could light a fire under him to get his stuff together and they could both work their shxt out. People think they can just trade up and dump people. Karma comes back on that all the time.
It’s possible she can get him to change, but from the OP, I’m under the impression she’s done and is only staying with him because he isn’t financially stable.
She’s still young, only 49. She shouldn’t stay with this guy just out of obligation if she’s not happy. If they can work it out and she’s happy with that, great. Otherwise, she should move on.
It’s possible she can get him to change, but from the OP, I’m under the impression she’s done and is only staying with him because he isn’t financially stable.
She’s still young, only 49. She shouldn’t stay with this guy just out of obligation if she’s not happy. If they can work it out and she’s happy with that, great. Otherwise, she should move on.
I'd have to disagree, I'm a realist, hitting fifty- not so young. For the changes OP wants to make, it is not the same as if she was twenty or even ten years younger. The things she wants are possible but not necessarily going to pan out and is she ok if they don't.
Consider that upsetting the apple cart and laying things on the line may be the best thing to happen to both of you. That does not mean it will be easy or comfortable. Change isn't comfortable for many folks. There is growth in change but there is also loss. It will force him to deal with his own life going forward. It will clarify quite a bit for you.
It speaks volumes that he fights with you whenever you bring up the subject of breaking up. Why wouldn't he fight to retain the status quo? Sounds as if he knows how to derail or manipulate you. His personal inertia seems to be infecting you too.
As for what's going on with the rest of your family, everyone's family goes through changes like that. People (including the bf) and relationships are not static but they do tend to stay true to what they've always been...they also tend to become reinforced versions of their younger selves. Shall we say...um... clarified?
I'd have to disagree, I'm a realist, hitting fifty- not so young. For the changes OP wants to make, it is not the same as if she was twenty or even ten years younger. The things she wants are possible but not necessarily going to pan out and is she ok if they don't.
You’re right. Definitely, at this stage, she needs to do her homework and plan and accept that things may not work out. But I don’t think that because she is older, she should stay in a situation that doesn’t make her happy.
I was widowed at 50. Dated several men for a few years and married again at age 55. We both worked but took lots of vacations, we skiied and hiked. Twenty years now married and we still hike a couple of days a week and have traveled most of the world.
She has a whole life ahead of adventures if she takes good care of herself and stays healthy.
From everything else that was stated he's the one that's been in a caretaker role all this time. Then, OP started getting raises and had a different financial perspective. I'm not saying he's marriage material as I would have never gone anywhere near that situation on day one. She's obviously had him there for a reason all that time.
She's close to being old and dealing with a new reality with her health too. If she was 30 instead of 49 that would be a different ball of wax.
The problem is that she is in it in the first place. Then, where do you go from there? I guess since you do not have a circle of friends to hold you accountable you just dump the guy????? The better thing to do would be for both of them to do the work to become fully functional humans inside the relationship. But, that would take work whereas she imagines just making a switch (but, then, she's never done the work and still codependent (not a great formula for relationship success) so she will have a short term fix.
You are re-single? What does OP get out of a caretaker of a 60+ year old with no intentions of doing anything from his personal health to the dishes?
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