Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This has been a problem in my family for a while. My mom is pleaser who insists on seeing family members and doing things for them (her siblings, their kids, their kids SO's and kids, etc) to avoid conflict and arguments and to keep peace. I am someone who cuts people out of my life if Ive had it. Through the years I've watched my mom do a lot for other people and they don't do much for her. This is mostly her siblings and my brother. The more irritated I get with the situation it seems like the more family events there are. I could care less about my cousin's wives who I barely know and am annoyed with how our family seems to multiply and people insist on getting together at the holidays. I am at the point where I really only care about my kids, my parents, my husband and occasionally my aunt. I am just tired of the fake get togethers. A few of them I just haven't even gone to. For example my aunt does this dinner thing twice a year where we meet at a restaurant and she pays for the whole thing. I guarantee that if she wasn't paying for the meal people wouldnt show up (for the last one i chose not to go and everyone went except me)
My aunt hosts holidays at her huge house and my mom buys/cooks all the food and schleps it over there in her car. She is 70, not getting any younger and i'm tired of watching her do this. I am also not going to morph into her and do this for them one day which people have joked about. I have another aunt and uncle who also just show up with next to nothing and stuff their faces and they also bring their son, his wife and now have a kid. My brother who has had some issues in the past and adds not much to anything now has a new girlfriend and he's loving life, showing up to everything with her. No one does anything in return for my mom. My mom has complained a bit about the aunt and uncles kids who always seem to show up for the meals/food anywhere..but she keeps doing it.
I've really just had it and don't want to continue to celebrate my holidays this way. I would prefer it just be my immediate family with my parents for a nice dinner...not this ridiculousness of my mother buying all the food and giving everyone else a holiday. It actually makes me sick how little everyone else does. They NEVER seem to have anywhere else to go either...the moment they are invited by aunt with the big house they're there. I think big house aunt loves it because she doesn't have to cook. I am just disgusted with everyone to the point where i dont want to be around them. It's damaged my relationship with them for sure to the point of I'm just done. There are other things I wont even get into and would be hard to explain and this would become very long...I can't believe their lack of generosity in return towards my mom.
The thing is that you have zero control over what other people do. If your mother wants to keep peace and is willing to be taken advantage of in order to do that, the only thing you can do is remove yourself from those gatherings if it infuriates you to see it happening. Have a holiday dinner with her a few days before or after with just you and your family and bail on the big event.
Out of that whole rant this is what is the key point, both for your mom and for the aunt who buys dinner for the extended family twice a year. They are getting SOMETHING out of it, even if it's not something you understand or approve of. If and when they stop getting some sense of having done a worthwhile thing they'll quit. In the meantime stay away if it bothers you that much, make other plans.
The problem is that my husband often wants to just go to these events when we are invited. I really have no idea as it's not his family and I know he gets annoyed with some of the people as well...he has even unfriended them on social media mostly due to their political views that they post about. It all just feels like madness that we still go to these events. MOST people I know seem to just do a holiday dinner with people close to them that they see often...not this extended family garbage just trying to mooch off one person.
My aunt who does the dinner and pays for everyone is single, no kids so I really think she just likes seeing everyone. I still don't understand her need to pay for everyone, but it is what it is. I am just ready to go my own way....like i said, I'm just over having a relationship with cousin bob once a year while he chows down on my mom's food. My mom's family is also extremely cheap and frugal so that very much plays a role here. They jump at the chance to save their own money but spend someone's else's. They have used my mom for rides as well because they didn't want to spend their own gas money...the aunt who hosts is very wealthy (through her husband) and the other aunt and uncle also have plenty of money because they got an inheritance that they blocked the aunt's siblings from getting. Long story but the fact that they just dont want to spend money on anyone except themselves also irks me.
I think they know at this point that I'm not really into them or this situation. I also feel like I'm the party pooper here. It's like Im the one that doesn't want to have this big celebration with them while they don't do a thing or spend any money thanks to my mom. My aunt does invite us into her home for a few hours....but it costs her nothing and with all my mom has done for her and her family in the past (some health issues with people my mom helped with) it's the least she could do
Some people happen to like big get togethers. Does your Mother complain about the work? Have you discussed with your Mother how you feel that she is being taken advantage of? Unless she's unhappy you might consider that you are just projecting your feelings on to her
As someone that has hosted, and done all the cooking, I will say that it's about the same amount of work to make a traditional holiday meal for four people or fourteen.
Your aunt is reciprocating by paying for everyone's meal. People that feel they aren't good cooks, or don't like to cook, will often do that.
As for the others, they get invited so do you expect them to say no? It would be nice if they reciprocated. Maybe you should suggest to them that they should give your Mom a break by hosting a holiday. You already don't like them so there's no loss in speaking your mind.
If you want to give your Mom a break, why don't you invite her to do something special on the holiday with you and your family? If she's not available to cook, then the others will have to make other plans.
You did say your husband likes to go in spite of not liking some of the people. He must get something out of it. Do your kids like going? It's not all about you and how you feel. Sometimes we suck things up for others that we care about.
I wouldn't punish my Mother by refusing to help her feed the losers. I'd not cook for them, even tho I am a good cook, but I would offer to do desserts or side dishes. I'd pick them up at the store ready made. Slop the hogs! I'd also ask people to help clear the table. To help with putting leftovers in storage containers, all those little chores that add up. I wouldn't sit around and steam about it.
Don’t go. I mean have you told your mother how you feel? Maybe she likes doing all this.
In what time left with your mother you can create another tradition for just you and your mother, or you can put up with it, or you can stop doing it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
re
