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If packing up and starting over isn’t an option, then staying and starting over is the next best thing.
Put on your big boy pants. Support your wife and daughter - emotionally and financially. Your wife needs to put on her big girl pants - to support you and your daughter. Both of you need to work together to make your family work. You need to support each other through miscarriages, they are emotionally exhausting for everyone. You both need to be responsible with finances. Sit down together once a week to figure out how to make ends meet. If both of you work crazy hours, sit down with a calendar to figure out schedules.
As your daughter gets older, seeing two people sitting down to work things out will be a valuable experience for her. She will be seeing how people communicate effectively, how they can compromise, and how they can make the effort that it takes to get through the tough part.
Now . . . this is coming from me being a “gramma” . . . You will need to come right out and tell the grandmothers exactly how things are going to work for your family going forward. If they don’t want to respect your boundaries, they will see less of you and your family.
I feel that you should make it clear what you expect from them so that there is no confusion. From personal experience, I think a person should know how they screwed up if they are going to be estranged. But that’s just me.
IMHO, the grandmothers should put on their big girl pants and support your family. They have lived their lives, and even if they have another 20 or 30 years, they can continue to live the way they want around the times when they aren’t around your family. I still work full time, but I spend every Saturday with my grandson so my daughter & SIL have time together, can run errands, etc.
Your situation isn’t going to fix itself, nor will it “go away” if you ignore it. Grab the bull by the horns
Putting on my Masters in Clinical Psychology hat on here…
You picked a woman much like your mother imo. That’s not surprising at all as we stick with what we know. People are suggesting cutting your mother out of your life and that’s fine. But then you still have your angry, toxic wife to deal with.
I only skimmed the posts. Too much drama. If your wife isn’t abusive, take her and your daughter and move about 2000 miles away from this nonsense. If your wife is abusive go to family court, get custody of your daughter, then move away.
So odd, he quoted your post but then ignored your question. None of this makes much sense to me, maybe its the way he keeps saying grandmother instead of her mom or his mom is confusing.
Put on your big boy pants. Support your wife and daughter - emotionally and financially. Your wife needs to put on her big girl pants - to support you and your daughter. Both of you need to work together to make your family work. You need to support each other through miscarriages, they are emotionally exhausting for everyone. You both need to be responsible with finances. Sit down together once a week to figure out how to make ends meet. If both of you work crazy hours, sit down with a calendar to figure out schedules.
As your daughter gets older, seeing two people sitting down to work things out will be a valuable experience for her. She will be seeing how people communicate effectively, how they can compromise, and how they can make the effort that it takes to get through the tough part.
Now . . . this is coming from me being a “gramma” . . . You will need to come right out and tell the grandmothers exactly how things are going to work for your family going forward. If they don’t want to respect your boundaries, they will see less of you and your family.
I feel that you should make it clear what you expect from them so that there is no confusion. From personal experience, I think a person should know how they screwed up if they are going to be estranged. But that’s just me.
IMHO, the grandmothers should put on their big girl pants and support your family. They have lived their lives, and even if they have another 20 or 30 years, they can continue to live the way they want around the times when they aren’t around your family. I still work full time, but I spend every Saturday with my grandson so my daughter & SIL have time together, can run errands, etc.
Your situation isn’t going to fix itself, nor will it “go away” if you ignore it. Grab the bull by the horns
Best of luck.
Sounds like this whole family needs a much bigger pants' budget!
It seems like you are living in a war zone. Maybe you should move yourself and your family further from both families so you can get some peace and some time to actually be a family without all the drama. All that you mention here is just a bunch of grownups trying to manipulate you, your wife and your daughter, they are jealous and immature and you alll don't need that.
Agreed. Step 1, if I recall you moved in with your mom. Move out..now.
Signed up for individual therapy next Thursday is my session.
After giving my mom $700 and paid for groceries the last two months. Demanding I give her $1-000 now. Saying I am a liar. Saying can't trust me. Saying wants to take back the Christmas gifts she wants. How I made her look like an a$$. All this nasty negative stuff. Says when my granddaughter is around, thankfully sleeping.
Not letting me sleep. Calling me a mooch. Saying how I destroyed the relationship with her granddaughter. How I ruined her life and so forth.
I have 7 days of this. Sick. Working nights. Won't be able to get full sleep probably. Going to be a wild week.
Told my mom I can give you $100 maybe $200 over the course of a few months. I need to get back on my feet and pay you back. She is upset haven't paid her back for the $1,000 gave me for school. When I graduated lot happen. Just finally getting my feet financially stable again.
Do UBER on the side immediately. Use it to pay back the $1,000 already. In a few weeks, adding that job a few hours a day will take care of it.
Paying back $100-$200 over a few months of a thousand dollar debt she is properly upset about.
You have demonstrated over years, based on one job you can't afford all you spend on.
Oh boy. You have a lot going on. I can't think of advice to give you because I too have a lot going on, but I remember you from years ago. I just want to say that I hope things get better for you, RunD1987. May at least one of your issues come to a happy resolution in 2024.
I became public enemy one with my family. My family is upset at me. Feels I am dishonest. I lack empathy. Show no remorse for my grandparents who are going to pass away. All the changes my mom has gone through with getting kicked out of her house and kicked out of her mom's house. How she had to put her two parents in an assisted living. One of her parents is actively dying. I explained to my other family member who says have no empathy I support my mom. I explained there's not much I can do. Only thing can do is be there for my mom when she needs me and I would be there. Everyone is saying being disrespectful for not paying my mom back sooner and not understanding that doing so dig me into a financial hole.
My wife won't let my daughter sleep over her grandmother's due to the dog. The dog just tried to bite my daughter in the face. I see what my wife means not letting her over alone without me. Still I am the bad guy.
My Aunt who confided in as a neutral person and person of advice. Asked some questions to my mom. My mom asked if I planned to move back in with my wife. I couldn't lie said we are in talks of moving back after 3 months apart.
My mom calls my wife "white trash", "ghetto", scum, abusive, and does not want to deal with my wife or her mother.
So events of this animosity happen about 5 years ago. When my mom was at a bridal shower I didn't know anything of it till a few weeks ago. My wife's mom said in front of her friends with my mom being there if my wife had issues with labor her mom wasn't available they call my wife's mom's friend before calling my mom. Everyone on my side of the family felt offended by that.
My wife and her mom have always had we are better than other attitude. My wife's mom always had this thing if wronged her she never forgive you.
Then some holiday events where my side of the family said I didn't go to many holiday events with them when married. Usually did one a year for about 3 years of marriage. With work, child, and other commitments wad hard to commit to holiday gatherings with my side of the family. Some holidays just my wife, her mom, and me as was the only people around. Some holidays was me going to my family get together because my wife worked.
Now my wife's mom has a heavy influence and wedge between my wife and I relationship. Still living with my wife till at least April.
My mom feels that her mom will keep her granddaughter away from her. My wife has been open for her granddaughter to visit her grandmother. Open to the idea of overnights with some compromises/parameters.
My mom doesn't want to host Chirstmas Eve with my wife or her mom. My mom has not had a Christmas yet with her granddaughter. Trying to convince my wife the day before 23rd to 24th my daughter sleeps over with her grandmother spends all day Christmas Eve with her. My wife invited my mom for Christmas over but my mom doesn't want to deal with my wife or her mom for the holidays.
Then my mom breaks down in tears saying that because she won't see my wife and her mom that my wife will hold my granddaughter from her. Doesn't want a relationship anymore with my granddaughter due to the pain it will cause her.
Then my mom feels that my wife is abusive to me and my daughter physically and mentally. My wife which will address in counseling has explosive episodes of anger. Says things regrets. Talked about when she gets upset to not get upset in front of our daughter step away if get upset. Has spanked our child 3 times in a 5 year span when angry at our child on her but. These are things want to address in therapy but we feel are workable issues.
Will manipulate me and she will be alone here. So my mom wants to move back home back to her old state.
My mom doesn't believe that we will stay here when the lease ends in Spring we will move out of state leave her here. Prior to my mom moving here in the Summer. Discussed about moving. Never really settled where we are living. We are settling and our child is starting to have a life here. So we plan to stay. My wife's mom may move out but my wife said she won't move.
My family thinks I am idiot moving back to my wife while doing counseling at the same time not living separately.
My mom said if things go south with my wife not welcomed back here. Says live on the street or find my own apartment.
My mom wants to take custody of my granddaughter. Thinks I am making a terrible mistake for her.
My wife thinks it is rude my mom doesn't want her over for the holidays.
My mom wants me to pay her $2,000 by the end of the month, which I don't have.
My mom is refusing to babysit or watch her Granddaughter after I move back with my wife. Also, wants custody of my daughter.
My mom thinks my wife is a lesbian. Also, an embarrassment to be around.
Other issues are my wife and I separated for 3 months. My wife bullied me a lot. Spanked my kid 4 times in a 5 year span. Smacked my head twice in our 7 years married 10 together. Has explosive anger issues that appeared with the birth of our child. Can yell/swear at our child when frustrated. Gets upset if our child favors me. Things we addressed will work on in counseling.
Things blew up when my mom moved here my wife was worried it would be like back home with me not setting up any boundaries with my mom.
That's all that is going on.
Your mom needs to butt out and keep her opinions to herself. She created the drama, don’t let her drag you into it.
Putting on my Masters in Clinical Psychology hat on here…
You picked a woman much like your mother imo. That’s not surprising at all as we stick with what we know. People are suggesting cutting your mother out of your life and that’s fine. But then you still have your angry, toxic wife to deal with.
You beat me to it!
He married a woman with his mom's personality.
His mom and mother-in-law are mirror images of each other.
It's one big mess and interestingly, there is no talk about his father or father-in-law.
Where are the men?
-----------------
My. husband's family was toxic. After a couple years of marriage, my husband looked for a job with a relocation package. We moved from NYC to Texas. The distance helped our marriage.
My husband had a very hard time walking away from his family. We went to a marriage counselor and had individual therapy. Nearly forty years later, it still upsets both of us. However, there wasn't another option. You just got to do what you got to do.
This issue with your mother is not the result of your wife. Chances are your mother would be this bad with any woman/wife. Same for your mother-in-law, any son-in-law would have the same issues. It's about the moms' protecting their turf.
Also: There is no reason for sleepovers with anyone. Why do it? Two hours on an afternoon is enough time for a visit. Keep the dog away.
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Sounds like this whole family needs a much bigger pants' budget!
