But I don't want to say 'I love you' and hug every time we each other! (person, member)
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Same situation with me. I/we were instrumental in basically saving my mother's life a few years ago - above and beyond what you would normally have to do - which I had no problem in doing because I have always felt I owe it to both of my parents for the good childhood I had. But, I'm not much for words of affirmation, nor for all the made-up holiday festivities except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, maybe; birthday celebrations I would be happy to never celebrate again. My mom loves holidays. I just want to live organically without all the put-ons. My dad is nowhere near as sentimental as my mother. He's never been the type to so much as phone me to have a chat, although when I visit them all is well, no bad blood, plenty of conversation and cookouts, etc. Both of my parents are having health issues relative to their age, so the time will come eventually. I do know that, and I know it will hit me different when they're gone.
My solution: I changed the wording on my mom. When she says, "I love you," rather than leave her hanging, I say, "I appreciate you, too." How can she be mad at that? It's sly in getting around the uncomfortably of generically saying "I love you" and brings some humor into the mix while still being endearing all the same. Win-win.
Good idea!
And, my mom is the same with holidays, which I'm ok with. I caught heck, though, when I stopped buying Christmas and birthday gifts for the adult nieces. She gets very controlling and wants me to do what she enjoys doing. It's nuts.
I wish my mother were still alive so I could tell her I love her.
If it's too hard for you to say I love you too, maybe you could say something to her such as you're a great mother. But honestly, it takes what - 3 seconds? What exactly is she taking from you that is so valuable?
And, my mom is the same with holidays, which I'm ok with. I caught heck, though, when I stopped buying Christmas and birthday gifts for the adult nieces. She gets very controlling and wants me to do what she enjoys doing. It's nuts.
The more you post the more it looks like it has nothing to do with your OP. You've got issues with your Mom.
I wish my mother were still alive so I could tell her I love her.
If it's too hard for you to say I love you too, maybe you could say something to her such as you're a great mother. But honestly, it takes what - 3 seconds? What exactly is she taking from you that is so valuable?
So true. I don't understand what the big deal is. Is a hug and an "I love you too" too much to ask for someone who raised you?
I'm in my sixties and when my mom was alive there were some things she did that annoyed me but jeez, she was my mother and a good one at that. If a parent was abusive, that's a whole other story, but stepping outside of our own feelings to give a parent something that's important to them is just the decent thing to do.
And, my mom is the same with holidays, which I'm ok with. I caught heck, though, when I stopped buying Christmas and birthday gifts for the adult nieces. She gets very controlling and wants me to do what she enjoys doing. It's nuts.
Ah, there's the truth of the matter.
It's not the 3 second "I love you" and hug that's the problem, it's the fact that your mother insists on it every time, and you don't like to be controlled by her.
I understand the need to balk at EVERYTHING when you are dealing with that type, the controlling type, "if you give an inch....". I get that. And feel it, in my own life with a certain person.
But in this case I would advise you to pick your battles more wisely and let this one go. It's causing you far more stress to revolt against it than to just give a quick air peck and "yeah me too mom" would, every time.
Unless of course you really don't love your mom, in which case, perhaps spend less time with her. However you did say she has made other changes when you requested, she stopped giving you useless stuff. You asked her to stop and she did.
I suspect if you dig down deep you will find you and your mother share this same quality of needing to be the one in control of a relationship. I'd let this one go and do the I love you.
So true. I don't understand what the big deal is. Is a hug and an "I love you too" too much to ask for someone who raised you?
I'm in my sixties and when my mom was alive there were some things she did that annoyed me but jeez, she was my mother and a good one at that. If a parent was abusive, that's a whole other story, but stepping outside of our own feelings to give a parent something that's important to them is just the decent thing to do.
It's just feeling pressured to do something that we never usually did that makes me uncomfortable and irritated.
Do my feelings and comfort level matter?
Now, don't get me wrong, I usually say it and give an awkward hug, but before the hug I'll say 'Here comes the awkward German hug.' It's just too much, too often for me. I'd really get it if we didn't talk or see each other as often as we do, but it's never enough. She's worn out friendships and family members by being so needy and clingy.
I know guys who never go to see their mother, btw.
I wish my mother were still alive so I could tell her I love her.
If it's too hard for you to say I love you too, maybe you could say something to her such as you're a great mother. But honestly, it takes what - 3 seconds? What exactly is she taking from you that is so valuable?
Did you tell her you love her every single time you saw/talked to her? Multiple times a week? When it wasn't the norm the first fifty years of your life?
My brother-in-law commented "I wish my mother was alive so I could hug her." I asked him (and I already knew the answer), "Did you and your mother hug when she was alive?" He replied 'no.' I replied 'shut up then.' lol
It's just feeling pressured to do something that we never usually did that makes me uncomfortable and irritated.
Do my feelings and comfort level matter?
Now, don't get me wrong, I usually say it and give an awkward hug, but before the hug I'll say 'Here comes the awkward German hug.' It's just too much, too often for me. I'd really get it if we didn't talk or see each other as often as we do, but it's never enough. She's worn out friendships and family members by being so needy and clingy.
I know guys who never go to see their mother, btw.
Yes, your feelings do matter. So it's for you to decide.
Which approach is going to make you feel better? Taking a stand on this and refusing to respond to your mother's new thing, and dealing with the fallout from that, or just going along with it?
It's not the 3 second "I love you" and hug that's the problem, it's the fact that your mother insists on it every time, and you don't like to be controlled by her.
I understand the need to balk at EVERYTHING when you are dealing with that type, the controlling type, "if you give an inch....". I get that. And feel it, in my own life with a certain person.
But in this case I would advise you to pick your battles more wisely and let this one go. It's causing you far more stress to revolt against it than to just give a quick air peck and "yeah me too mom" would, every time.
Unless of course you really don't love your mom, in which case, perhaps spend less time with her. However you did say she has made other changes when you requested, she stopped giving you useless stuff. You asked her to stop and she did.
I suspect if you dig down deep you will find you and your mother share this same quality of needing to be the one in control of a relationship. I'd let this one go and do the I love you.
LOL ... no, I don't want to control anybody. Although, I have a cousin and a nephew who are so worried about being controlled that I just have to give them what they're looking for. lol
My mom once asked me and my siblings to each write her a 'love' letter. It was nuts. I'm pretty sure none of us did. An ex-girlfriend of mine, who my mom treated like a daughter, wrote her a nice letter last year on my suggestion, but I don't think that was enough. It's never enough. lol
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It's sly in getting around the uncomfortably of generically saying "I love you" and brings some humor into the mix while still being endearing all the same. Win-win.