Does this s#*! happen in everyones family?? (father, husband, person)

[mrstewart]

This is a case when I need some guidance so I hope someone can help.

About a year and a half ago my aunt came home to take care of my grandmother in her home. My grandmother was not in bad shape but was slowing down considerably and really wanted my aunt to come home. My aunt left 38 years ago and never came home for a single holiday. She did manage to make it home when her father died but my father paid for the flight because she did not want to pay to come to the east coast from the midwest. While at the funeral, she basically hijacked ceremony with her shenanigans.

So, she came home a year and a half ago and my grandmother has been in hell since she got here. My aunt keeps threatening to put her in a nursing home, take control of her money, etc. She never consults the rest of the family who didn't take off for a few decades!

Seven weeks ago my grandmother came to live with me and my family. She did not go with my dad, her son, because he has health issues that would make caring for her very difficult.

My aunt told everyone that as soon as my grandmother was gone she was leaving the country and never coming back. Since my grandmother left her house has been on the market and my aunt has not left. Actually she is thinking about STAYING at her home and has found a job up there. So,, basically she is a squatter.

Last Monday, my grandmother collapsed at our vacation home. She was taken to the hospital in pretty bad shape.

My aunt came down and stayed with me at my home so she could get to the hospital quickly. Mid week, we were told my grandmother has Lymes disease and would need extra care after she left the hospital so they were considering a nursing home for a short time so she could get physical therapy. My aunt and I talked with my father and were concerned about this being an option for her.

Another option discussed was my grandmothers return to my home and home health care coming. At this time, my aunt OFFERED to stay for a few weeks while she had physical therapy and regained her strength.

We all met with the hospital case worker and the doctor and they thought this was a good idea as long as there were two of us to helpher and each other.

We talked about schedules, where she would stay, etc. The plan was my aunt would leave for the weekend and get her stuff but return Monday evening. My husband would be with us throughout the weekend to help and until a home health care nurse could be assigned on Monday.

We talked again Friday night and were in agreement about the plans that had been hatched.

Saturday morning I got the call that my grandmother would be discharged after lunch so I went to the hospital to get her things together. On the way home, I called my aunt from my cell to let her know I had Grannie and we would be home shortly.

When I got home, my husband pulled me aside to tell me my aunt had called him and told him she had changed her mind and would not be back to help. Needless to say, I was shocked and very angry. When I FINALLY got her on the phone she started talking about family things I knew nothing about since they supposedly happened when I was about 8! :confused

Anyway, she keeps calling here to talk to me and I am in no mood to take her calls. She acts like nothing is wrong and she does not understand why I feel like she let us down. She wants to have a family meeting about my grandmothers health care and my husband told her the family meetings would be with me, him, my dad and my grandmother but she lost her right to be there by running off.

Don't get me wrong, I have set up full time health care and all is set up for my grandmother but I am upset because I am left being expected to tell my sweet grandmother that her daughter ditched her again.

My question is this, should I tell my grandmother the truth about her daughter dodging responsibilty again or do I make up some sugared up story so her feelings are not hurt? I am a bit concerned that my nutty aunt will tell Grannie some cockamamie story about her running off (as she always does). She is known to be a pathological liar so no story would surprise me!!

I want what is best for my grandmother so I will do whatever I need to do.

Please send advice. Even funny posts are welcome at this point. I need something to smile about!!!

[yankeegirl313]

First of all, I think you should tell her the truth.
I`m sure that she knows how she "really" is by now, and trying to make excuses would just look bad, and make matters worse.
I would however, talk to her, (aunt) and explain to her the way things are going to be from now on. You need to put your foot down with her, if she plans on staying in contact.
The family does not need the extra ......problems with her excuses and what not, while the rest of the family only want whats best for her health.
Good luck. My heart goes out to you, and your family!

[mrstewart]

I know you are right and I must tell my grandmother the truth but I hate being the one to remind her that her daughter is a divisive and self important jerk. We were all hoping her last years would be drama free. So much for that, eh??

[findinghope]

this is so sad. i think you should tell your grandmother the truth. she will probably hear crazy stories and if you tell her a sweet lie, it will only confuse her. she needs to know there is someone she can trust.
i wish you luck

[mrstewart]

Originally Posted by findinghope

this is so sad. i think you should tell your grandmother the truth. she will probably hear crazy stories and if you tell her a sweet lie, it will only confuse her. she needs to know there is someone she can trust.
i wish you luck

Yes, a sweet lie would smell fishy in a s*#! storm, wouldn't it?

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

If your grandmother is at her self enough to understand and her mental health or depression isn't an issue then I personally don't see any reason to NOT tell her the truth.

Your Aunt sounds like a wing nut.

I am sorry that your Grandmother is not doing well. I do hope she can be comfortable and enjoy some more time with her family.

[moonshadow]

Can you tell her just the basic facts, no elaboration?

That your aunt has decided to return home and that your grandmother should speak to her for further clarification?

You need to remain as impartial as possible if you can. Try to be calm and unemotional about what's happening, when dealing with your aunt, for the sake of your grandmother. Plant a smile on your face, listen and say little but stick to your guns.

Let your aunt explain her motivations to your grandmother. It's not your job to do so and no matter how angry you are and upset with your aunt, and quite rightly so, it's been my experience when playing a similar game that it only distresses the granny when there is conflict amongst the family, and you don't want that. So yes, my advice would be to tell the truth but keep it really simple. The truth is your aunt has returned home and you will be looking after your grandmother.

PS : It sounds so far like our families were seperated at birth. It's not a fun game to play, I'm really sorry you're going through it. Just hold on as best you can and don't forget about cake. It's always been my firm belief that cake has healing properties, so on a really crappy day, just take a little break and go sit out in the sunshine somewhere for 15 minutes and have a nice cup of coffee, a lovely bit of cake and enjoy the moment.

[SmerkyGrl]

I know you're suppose to make exceptions for family. But if I were you, family or not, I would have told my aunt to go f*ck herself and f*ck off already.

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

Originally Posted by SmerkyGrl

I know you're suppose to make exceptions for family. But if I were you, family or not, I would have told my aunt to go f*ck herself and f*ck off already.

This is what I don't understand. Shouldn't family treat you BETTER then a stranger off the street?? Don't you think that if the people around wing nuts like this started telling them enough is enough, they would realize things quicker. I think when people just keep taking the punishment, we enable people to act like this.

[moonshadow]

Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren

This is what I don't understand. Shouldn't family treat you BETTER then a stranger off the street?? Don't you think that if the people around wing nuts like this started telling them enough is enough, they would realize things quicker. I think when people just keep taking the punishment, we enable people to act like this.

Yeah, been there done that too, and it doesn't work, well it didn't in my case. In the end there was a dying old lady to consider and unfortunately she loved all of us, so there was a lot of tongue biting went on, in order spare her any more drama. Some people just won't be swayed from their self absorbed path in life but you still have to interact with them regardless some times. Much as it is painful to have to turn the other cheek at times, I don't regret going along for the sake of someone I loved dearly.