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Personally, I have not been through any 12 step programs but I have always wondered if the person going through them is juggling so many factors in their lives... proud of making positive steps, feeling clear headed, making up for lost time...anyway, it always seems to me they are just excited to be able to share with those they are close with.
Oh, my wife's sister (A much more diplomatic person than me, BTW) evidently brought it up with her in a gentle way, and got an ENRAGED response, as in "This is who I am and you need to be supportive of me, and you should come to this program and see all the good they're doing. Blah blah blah."
By the way, why is it, when faced with a legitimate question like this, the standard AA response is to invite non-AA people to the meetings "because we couldn't possibly understand"? And why do people who go through this program feel like EVERYBODY should?
That is just plain WRONG. AA is for AA'rs. Al-anon is for family. We are anonimous and don't want members bringing outsiders in in droves. I fear you are not dealing with a very honest step worker. She doesn't seem to know much about a program she's supposedly been active in for 9 years, huh? Unfortunetly this is not as uncommon as we'd like, at all. If it walks like a duck quacks like a duck, and flies like a duck...IT'S A DUCK, I don't care if the duck can quote the big book. Orrrrr you can pimp out a trash truck all you want.. at the end of the day it's still a trash truck! Best of luck and STOP ENABLING HER BAD BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU AND YOUR WIFE!
From you're desciption she is seeking sympathy and not owning up to her part in her addiction. THAT'S WHAT THE 12 STEPS ARE ALL ABOUT!
That is just plain WRONG. AA is for AA'rs. Al-anon is for family. We are anonimous and don't want members bringing outsiders in in droves. I fear you are not dealing with a very honest step worker. She doesn't seem to know much about a program she's supposedly been active in for 9 years, huh? Unfortunetly this is not as uncommon as we'd like, at all. If it walks like a duck quacks like a duck, and flies like a duck...IT'S A DUCK, I don't care if the duck can quote the big book. Orrrrr you can pimp out a trash truck all you want.. at the end of the day it's still a trash truck! Best of luck and STOP ENABLING HER BAD BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU AND YOUR WIFE!
Well, she makes a big showy display of it all with her pins, her sobriety geegaws, her books, etc. etc. It's really getting wearing. But, as somebody pointed out, she's such a fragile soul all the cotton-picking time, that just shooting straight with her might push the woman over the edge.
Talking about their recovery and what they've learned thus far, especially with people outside their program(s) who accept them, helps them reinforce their determination and strength to continue. I don't think it's narcissistic; it's more like affirmation and confidence building.
This is true but for 9 years??? I have quite a few friends who have recovered through 12 steps and none of them go on and on about it. THe only time they every talk about it is when you ask them to.
This is true but for 9 years??? I have quite a few friends who have recovered through 12 steps and none of them go on and on about it. THe only time they every talk about it is when you ask them to.
Exactly. She just brings it up out of the blue. As in, "What a nice dress. A woman in my AA group wears one kind of like it. I was there the other day, blah blah blah blah."
Now, to shed a little more light on things, she was a person who was interested in a lot of different things, and she married probably the most colorless man on the planet. I think she took to drinking out of sheer boredom. Maybe that's why she continues to do this...to give herself some significance. Who knows?
I hate to tell you this but there is probably nothing you can do about this. I was in a very similar situation with a relative a few years ago who was into a new "hobby" and that is all they EVERY talked about. Somehow they could bring any subject that was being discussed back to their hobby. Lucky for everyone, they found a new one eventually so at least we got to hear about a different hobby all the time. Good luck to you. She is probably just seeking validation but enough already!!!
That being said, after nine years, how do we get her to STOP talking about her addiction, her program, what she learned in her program, how she always is running out to a meeting in every family gathering, and how everybody should go through a program like this to deal with their own private demons? Blah blah blah blah blah blahbity blah. We don't even need her to even stop talking about it. Just stop talking about it nonstop.
I can imagine... I don't know any such folks and frankly have no desire to. Then again, I have an addictive personality myself... We're more fun WITH the addictions.
generally when someone in your life recommends you go to an Al-Anon meeting, it is because they are familiar with the program and they see that you are someone who has a need for it and would benefit from it
and generally people who go on and on and on, like the opening post for instance, about the problems alcoholics create for them in their lives, are the very people who do need to go to Al-Anon (the program for friends, family, and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts)
if you have a genuine interest in addressing the questions you bring up (versus just going around venting and bashing people and whining endlessly about poor you and how victimized you feel) in your opening post, such as how do i get her to stop talking about recovery, or why do i have to watch what i say around her or jeopardize her recovery, then Al-Anon is where you find detailed answers and practical solutions to those very questions.
on the other hand, if you just want to stay in your own drama, and not actually implement positive change in your life that would improve the situation you are describing, then that is your choice. It is up to you.
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 07-29-2008 at 05:07 PM..
Or the one doing the recommendation needs it more than you do.
Usually the people recommending Al-Anon are already going to Al-Anon themselves!
And yes, Al-Anon is different from Alcoholics Anonymous, two entirely separate and different programs, both of them 12-step programs. Alcoholics Anonymous is where people stop drinking, Al-Anon is for anyone who has alcoholics in their lives and is dealing with, for instance, things like what the opening post describes.
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I don't know any such folks and frankly have no desire to. Then again, I have an addictive personality myself...
We're more fun WITH the addictions.
