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I agree Violett, I think the only reason I am relatively sane is because of my grandmother, as a child I felt she was the only person who really loved me. I look back on it as an adult and feel like she was the only one who could actually show love in my family.
As for men, they continue to be a mystery to me.
It's so great that one awesome person can stick with you, in your mind and heart, throughout your life, that makes you feel sane and secure. I think that just as one person can do a lot of damage to a child, another person can lift that child up in a way that's with them forever.
So many times I get asked by guys what my relationship with my dad was like, as if that's going to give me some type of baggage. My relationship with my dad was a little hard growing up, but once I became an adult, especially when I got into my thirties, I understood him a lot better and understood that he really had good intentions as a parent, it just didn't always seem that way at the time. When you are a kid, you can be very critical of your parents, without seeing the big picture, without realizing what they are going through and the stresses they have on them. Once I realized this as an adult, I was able to let go of a lot of hurt and pain and selfishness. I started to realize that people aren't perfect and shouldn't be held to an unattainable high standard, including one's parents.
My mom, on the other hand, was wonderful and that helped counterbalance whatever difficulty I had with my dad growing up. Everyone loved my mother, including my dad, who knew he was the luckiest man in the world to get her.
Oh, I think it affects everything in your life. And people who deny it just lack self-awareness.
After all, a father's approach to work, to discipline, to love, and any other things heavily influences your value system as you grow. If your father was never around, cheated on your mom, or was generally a louse, then it affects how you view the possibilities in one's own marriage. If your father was kind, generous, and benevolent, then it equally influences your outlook.
And, of course, if you have a father who made mistakes, you as the child typically either learn from those mistakes or repeat them. After all, research shows that children of spouse abusers become spouse abusers themselves.
I absolutely would not be the man I am today without my dad. He taught me to be a critical thinker who strives to avoid criticism of others. He was patient, friendly and kind. He died when I was 19, but I don't feel at a loss at all. He did more fathering in the first 10 years of my life than most men do in a lifetime. He pretty much taught me everything I needed to know to soldier on by then -- one of the most important being that love covers a multitude of sins. I miss him, and I try to keep his legacy alive by making myself available to those in need.
A note about dads and women: I never realized how important dads were to women until my daughter was born. I missed a lot of her early life because of deployments, so when I got back from Iraq the last time I tried to take plenty of time to show her how much she means to me. I literally watched her confidence bloom by the day. Every day her eyes got a little bit brighter and smile a little bit wider. It's getting to the point where I'm beginning to feel sorry for her future boyfriends -- she's going to expect A LOT from them, but then, my wife does of me ... her dad treated her very well too.
My father has a great balance to him. He is tough but tender. He is very fair even when the outcome does not benefit him. He is funny but also very realistic.
I would like to think his influence in my life has played a large role in my relationships with my husband, children, family and friends because my mother and I have a very tumultuous relationship and she has very short term relationships with others.
Yes it does. I had a step-father, present, for most of my pre-teen and teenaged years, but he never showed me the ropes of what to expect from a guy and what not to expect from a guy. I had to find this out on my own and BOY OH BOY did I have some trials and tribulations in my life regarding men. Its to the point now, where I just don't want to be bothered with them, period. NO HOMO, though.
My dad was very loving and caring - I had a happy childhood, but not to say that men weren't a mystery for me, later... I guess I was expecting love and care from boyfriends... You know how these expectations end... The man I'm married to is the closest to that feeling of comfort and love and protection that I had as a child - so yes, I might have been searching for the ideal my father instilled in me.
Interestingly enough, I always thought that had I had brothers, I would've understood boys/men better... (probably another "myth"). My kids are a boy and a girl, and I can see that my daughter will have much less "questions" about boys... She will have more exposure to her brother's friends, in addition to knowing her father and brother. Maybe the key is in having several males around you growing up.
My dad was very loving and caring - I had a happy childhood, but not to say that men weren't a mystery for me, later... I guess I was expecting love and care from boyfriends... You know how these expectations end... The man I'm married to is the closest to that feeling of comfort and love and protection that I had as a child - so yes, I might have been searching for the ideal my father instilled in me.
Interestingly enough, I always thought that had I had brothers, I would've understood boys/men better... (probably another "myth"). My kids are a boy and a girl, and I can see that my daughter will have much less "questions" about boys... She will have more exposure to her brother's friends, in addition to knowing her father and brother. Maybe the key is in having several males around you growing up.
I think you're right, especially because it provides expectations for future relationships.
My daughter is now 14. And, anticipating her dating and the whatnot, I've tried to tell her things that will help her discern the right path to take. For example, I've told her that no man should dictate how she thinks or believes. I've told her that a man should always treat her with courtesy and respect. And, while I think sexuality should be something she discusses with her mother, I've told her that no man should ever talk her into something she feels uncomfortable doing. She has value, beauty, intelligence, and a wonderful spirit, and no one should ever let her think otherwise. I hope that she remembers these lessons.
Yes, profoundly. My father died when I was 6 wks old. I do believe my life would have been very different if he had lived longer.
I have placed the entire essence of my being into my sons, because I don't want them to grow up like I did.
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