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Old 03-31-2010, 04:32 PM
 
3,770 posts, read 5,842,914 times
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I have a pushy relative (extended family). I don't want to give a lot of details, but I haven't talked to him in a couple years. He called me a couple months ago to come over for dinner and I didn't call back because I just don't want to.

So he called again last week with a blocked number (sneaky) and asked why I didn't call, realy whiny, saying things like, maybe you don't like my kids, maybe you don't like me...blah blah blah. Then followed it up with an email saying that he would ask me to come over until I said I didn't want to. Basically I have to say, "I don't want to be bothered and I don't want to visit you." Come on. No one tells people that.

Dealing with 99% of the population, if someone doesn't return your call once or twice, then you don't bother them. What am I supposed to do? Say I don't like spending time with you? Then he will go tell 10 relatives that I said that.

Last edited by FelixTheCat; 03-31-2010 at 04:47 PM..
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Old 03-31-2010, 05:02 PM
 
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Pretend you're busy with something? Work/Job?
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Old 03-31-2010, 05:05 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 91,785,091 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FelixTheCat View Post
I have a pushy relative (extended family). I don't want to give a lot of details, but I haven't talked to him in a couple years. He called me a couple months ago to come over for dinner and I didn't call back because I just don't want to.

So he called again last week with a blocked number (sneaky) and asked why I didn't call, realy whiny, saying things like, maybe you don't like my kids, maybe you don't like me...blah blah blah. Then followed it up with an email saying that he would ask me to come over until I said I didn't want to. Basically I have to say, "I don't want to be bothered and I don't want to visit you." Come on. No one tells people that.

Dealing with 99% of the population, if someone doesn't return your call once or twice, then you don't bother them. What am I supposed to do? Say I don't like spending time with you? Then he will go tell 10 relatives that I said that.

Uh, dude, be a grownup and just tell him you aren't interested.

It's very high school to think he should just "know" that not returning his call means you have no desire to have him in your life

Real grown-ups COMMUNICATE.
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Old 03-31-2010, 05:13 PM
 
8,680 posts, read 13,884,503 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FelixTheCat View Post
I have a pushy relative (extended family). I don't want to give a lot of details, but I haven't talked to him in a couple years. He called me a couple months ago to come over for dinner and I didn't call back because I just don't want to.

So he called again last week with a blocked number (sneaky) and asked why I didn't call, realy whiny, saying things like, maybe you don't like my kids, maybe you don't like me...blah blah blah. Then followed it up with an email saying that he would ask me to come over until I said I didn't want to. Basically I have to say, "I don't want to be bothered and I don't want to visit you." Come on. No one tells people that.

Dealing with 99% of the population, if someone doesn't return your call once or twice, then you don't bother them. What am I supposed to do? Say I don't like spending time with you? Then he will go tell 10 relatives that I said that.
My sympathies. What a pest!

I'd just ignore him. I know, easier said than done, but I have done it with some of my own.

I wonder if the rest of your family knows what he's like. Chances are they do. In my family, there are certain people who drive everyone insane, and when one of them did it to me, no one was surprised. They were all like, "It's your turn!" No one blamed me for cutting off communication with her, either.

Life is short, and I'll get drummed out of the Italian corps for saying this, but family is an accident of genetics. You don't owe them anything if they drive you up an unholy wall and you can't get along, especially extended family.
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Old 03-31-2010, 05:37 PM
 
3,770 posts, read 5,842,914 times
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Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Uh, dude, be a grownup and just tell him you aren't interested.

It's very high school to think he should just "know" that not returning his call means you have no desire to have him in your life

Real grown-ups COMMUNICATE.

This would work except it will come back to me. He calls my parents, sister, aunts, etc. and blabs about everything. If I say I'm not interested, then it's gossip time. "You would just not believe that felix the cat told me he didn't want to visit me. what a terrible person!" I don't see this as a solution. The issue for me is not that I am not communicating. I can TRY to communicate, but when a person acts like a telemarketer salesperson in your social life, then just saying no won't work. There will, be a "why?" and gossip and drama. This is why I don't call to begin with. I used to just go over there and have a bad time and get worked up without showing it. Then I told myself I don't need this. I have a right to spend my free time the way I want and don't need to feel bad about it.
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Old 03-31-2010, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 91,785,091 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FelixTheCat View Post
This would work except it will come back to me. He calls my parents, sister, aunts, etc. and blabs about everything. If I say I'm not interested, then it's gossip time. "You would just not believe that felix the cat told me he didn't want to visit me. what a terrible person!" I don't see this as a solution. The issue for me is not that I am not communicating. I can TRY to communicate, but when a person acts like a telemarketer salesperson in your social life, then just saying no won't work. There will, be a "why?" and gossip and drama. This is why I don't call to begin with. I used to just go over there and have a bad time and get worked up without showing it. Then I told myself I don't need this. I have a right to spend my free time the way I want and don't need to feel bad about it.

If you tell someone you are not interested in having a relationship with them and they continue to bother you they are stalking you.

Some people are very thick, you have to clearly spell out your wishes to such people.

Call your relative ONCE, explain to him "hey, no hard feelings, but just because we are blood related is not enough for me to want any kind of personal relationship with you and if you keep calling me expect to be ignored. Then, just ignore him by actually hanging up on him when he calls. After a while, he'll get it.
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Old 03-31-2010, 06:42 PM
 
8,680 posts, read 13,884,503 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FelixTheCat View Post
This would work except it will come back to me. He calls my parents, sister, aunts, etc. and blabs about everything. If I say I'm not interested, then it's gossip time. "You would just not believe that felix the cat told me he didn't want to visit me. what a terrible person!" I don't see this as a solution. The issue for me is not that I am not communicating. I can TRY to communicate, but when a person acts like a telemarketer salesperson in your social life, then just saying no won't work. There will, be a "why?" and gossip and drama. This is why I don't call to begin with. I used to just go over there and have a bad time and get worked up without showing it. Then I told myself I don't need this. I have a right to spend my free time the way I want and don't need to feel bad about it.
Yes, if you hadn't already said your relative was male, I'd wonder if you were talking about my sister.

I feel your pain. I would just be too "busy" for him. Really.
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Old 03-31-2010, 06:48 PM
 
3,770 posts, read 5,842,914 times
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Originally Posted by Avienne View Post
My sympathies. What a pest!

I'd just ignore him. I know, easier said than done, but I have done it with some of my own.

I wonder if the rest of your family knows what he's like. Chances are they do. In my family, there are certain people who drive everyone insane, and when one of them did it to me, no one was surprised. They were all like, "It's your turn!" No one blamed me for cutting off communication with her, either.

Life is short, and I'll get drummed out of the Italian corps for saying this, but family is an accident of genetics. You don't owe them anything if they drive you up an unholy wall and you can't get along, especially extended family.
what bugs me is what a big deal he's made of this. he called my father to ask about it a few times. i mean who blocks their number so you won't know they are calling. that creeps me out. i have thought of saying i'm moving out of the area, which is starting to become a real possiblilty. another annoying thing is i have a business website. he took the number from there and he took the email from there. i'm planning a new website and guess what? not one person in my family will know what the site is. i don't want to feel uncomfortable about answering restriced numbers on my work phone.
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Old 03-31-2010, 06:49 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 13,979,401 times
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Since this is family you're going to have to get it over with. Create a huge family function and invite the whole family. You kill all birds with onw stone: there are plenty of people there for this relative to bother besides you. They can't say they felt left out and the best part: you can say see you at the next family function and not be accused of ducking anyone.
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Old 03-31-2010, 07:03 PM
 
3,770 posts, read 5,842,914 times
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Originally Posted by CESpeed View Post
Since this is family you're going to have to get it over with. Create a huge family function and invite the whole family. You kill all birds with onw stone: there are plenty of people there for this relative to bother besides you. They can't say they felt left out and the best part: you can say see you at the next family function and not be accused of ducking anyone.

Im the only one in my immediate family still in the area. My father is coming in town and there will be a function. I was not going to go, but now I may. That is a good idea because it will be a short function and I won't have to make a lot of conversation. Last function, I heard was a mess, with my aunts making a scene at a restaurant. I will bring up something about looking into moving out of the area. Gee..I'd love to visit you, but unfortionately I won't be in the area much...too bad.
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