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Old 01-10-2007, 02:54 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,499 posts, read 25,619,859 times
Reputation: 8931

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after reading the thread about fair weather friends, etc.-so true. Has anyone ever had this with family?. My father was a good decent man and died a few years ago. He was a private person, but took good care of me as his only daughter (My Mom died suddenly when I was a teenager). His sister (now this is strange) -my Aunt- (who is like 40 years older than me)- resented how I took care of him (though she was too selfish and lazy to be there for him) and basically ignored him the last year of his life.

The property in NY went to me- and I think somehow, she felt resentful. She got my brother to side with her (he left the family in the early 90's to pursue medical school).

So basically, other than my husband, I have no family left. My brother still feels strange about not helping with Dad's illness-I guess- while I stayed home and took care of him. It is just sad, and I wonder what everyone else has experienced, or would do if they were estranged from family after this. I still feel sad about this and it has been 8 years. Thanks for any responses.
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Old 01-10-2007, 03:02 PM
 
Location: FL
1,942 posts, read 8,252,477 times
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The only person I am estranged from is my younger brother, since 1996, so 10 years. He is almost 4 years younger than me, so he will be 31 this year. He has stolen from me, lied about me and the height of everything happened in 1996, so I shut him out. Tried to just drop things and become family again when he almost died from a car accident and was in critical care in the hospital, but for some reason...I guess mad at me that I kept to my story, he didn't want to have a go, so that was that.

As for my parents, I do not have a close parent/child relationship with them. It's not that I hold grudges, but when some things happen, that affect me strongly, my feelings change...and I can't help that. I resent them for certain things that happen and still do happen-we're a "holiday family": the only times I speak to them on the phone are on holidays, and maybe not even then. So then naturally my children don't have a close relationship with them, despite the many times I have held my hand out.
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Old 01-10-2007, 03:16 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,499 posts, read 25,619,859 times
Reputation: 8931
Do you think you will ever reconcile with your brother? I don't understand the bitterness my brother has toward me- he extricated himself from a difficult problem- so I guess he doesn't care about reconciling with me. It is sad bcs I feel alienated for no reason.
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Old 01-10-2007, 03:30 PM
 
Location: FL
1,942 posts, read 8,252,477 times
Reputation: 2323
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyhelena View Post
Do you think you will ever reconcile with your brother? I don't understand the bitterness my brother has toward me- he extricated himself from a difficult problem- so I guess he doesn't care about reconciling with me. It is sad bcs I feel alienated for no reason.
Honestly, unless an event occurred (family death), probably not. I live states away...and he really did me wrong. He stole $420 from me when I was a single mother living with my parents...and went away for a week with it. Then he stole my comic book collection-hundreds, worth over a thousand dollars...and denied everything. Every single thing. I didn't have proof it was him, but it was either him or my parents!!! Then my parents started saying they didn't know who to believe...hello??what??this is a son who has been in and out of your house since 14 years old, never finished 9th grade, you've had him locked up for stealing YOUR stuff, who just abandoned his wife and child and cleared out their bank accounts and then ran home to momma....and now you're wondering if I'm telling the truth? Where did he go for a week the same night my money was stolen???Where did my hundreds of comic books go-flew off?

The second my parents didn't believe me and let me know they didn't, I left. I lived with my grandparents.

Thinkign about it gets me all fired up again!
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Old 01-10-2007, 03:33 PM
 
Location: Springfield, Missouri
2,815 posts, read 12,611,884 times
Reputation: 2000001474
Sometimes you have to accept that like all people, even family members can be people who are poisonous to you. My natural father is a liar, alcoholic, exaggerator, master manipulator, and completely self-centered. I cut him off in 1986, so 21 years since I've spoken to him.

In the meantime my sister finally reached the same conclusion, and when I talked to my first cousin a few days ago I hadn't spoken with since 1980, he told me that he felt the same way about my father (my cousin had lived a year with us).

I don't regret the estrangement at all and I have no desire to reestablish contact with him. We can't always understand what motivates family members to take actions they do, but we can recognize when their negativity is harmful to us and make a decision to not accept it. I do not believe blood relationships overrule common sense and I feel no compulsion to tolerate anyone in my family who wishes me harm or seeks to use me. I believe in some cases it's best to move on.

We can choose friends from anywhere, we cannot choose family necessarily...and sometimes we're given apples with worms. Whether family or not, they're still rotten.
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Old 01-10-2007, 03:43 PM
 
Location: Colorado
9,985 posts, read 18,047,189 times
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I havent spoken to my brother whos is 5 years older than me in 5 years. He lies, has been in the stae pen, cannot hold a job, uses his daughters SS# as credit, has stolen money from my parents, takes his kids birthday and xmas money without telling them they have recieved it, bought a car had my dad cosign then didnt pay it and ruined my dads perfect credit. He is a loser that still only thinks of himself. Myhusband hasnt spoken to his mother in 8 years, she is a loon theat only wants a relationship with him not his kids, she is bipolar and wont get help so she can get sympathy, so he disowned her. i guess thats why we are so close, we are all we have!!
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Old 01-10-2007, 03:49 PM
 
Location: in the southwest
13,394 posts, read 43,372,522 times
Reputation: 13521
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoMark View Post

We can choose friends from anywhere, we cannot choose family necessarily...and sometimes we're given apples with worms. Whether family or not, they're still rotten.
MoMark said basically what I was going to say.
I am fortunate that while we've had our little rifts here and there, I've always done okay with both my own family as well as my husband's.
I understand those of you who wish you could still get along, and I understand those who have no regrets.
Some folks are just toxic and you can't let them rent space in your head.
My sympathies to all.
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Old 01-10-2007, 04:09 PM
 
Location: Golden Valley AZ
777 posts, read 3,070,520 times
Reputation: 279
I have 2 seperate stories:

First is my families lack of support for me, or more impotantly their support for my ex when she and I split up 5 years ago. It was basically oh poor her, she has no job (she had a part time job), was a full time mom (B.S.) etc. etc. They had known for years prior, how unhappy I was, and realized how much work I was putting into the marriage, and just how little she did, but yet, she is the one invited to all the holiday stuff, birthday stuff, etc. etc.
And when my current wife and I met, boy how uncomfortable it was to go to my moms house. Now understand that my mom, sister, her boyfriend, her 25 year old son, and his girlfriend, and his girlfriends son, all live together in my moms house. All they ever talked about was how wonderful my ex was, and how it is so great that now she is going to school, etc.etc.
Whatever happened to blood being thicker than water? On the rare occassion that we do go over, my wife is very quiet, and doesn't say much. She wishes I would get mad at them, and say how messed up they are, but I am a non-confrontational kind of person. Heck it took me 10 years to finally leave my ex, and we were married for 18 years. And that's the excuse my family gives for kepping a relationship with her. Well we have known her for 20 years (total), and we can't just break it off. BS!!! I don't go and see her parents, and her dad and I got along good.

Second one is my current wifes oldest son. She said he has always been a problem. from the day he was born. He tried suffocating his younger brother to death, when he was an infant (4 year age difference). Just nothing but trouble. Bad grades, father didn't want anything to do with either son. I didn't come into his life till he was 15, so the stage was already set pretty mcuh. He had gotten into trouble when he was a senior in H.S. and got arrested for shoplifting alcohol and resisting arrest. When the police called to say he was in jail, my wife was all upset and didn't know what to do. I told her to just leave him there, and maybe it will teach him a lesson. It didn't. He still got into trouble. When he graduated H.S. (barely) it was a Thursday, we kicked him out on Sunday that same week.
He did get into a little more trouble, but I think he is now starting to get his act together. Of course he only calls when he wants something, but I guess all kids are like that. I think tough love was a good thing in this case, instead of babying him.

Last edited by YOU-CANT-EAT-SCENERY; 01-10-2007 at 04:11 PM.. Reason: Added a sentence
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Old 01-10-2007, 04:58 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,499 posts, read 25,619,859 times
Reputation: 8931
Lightbulb Momark and everyone-

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoMark View Post
Sometimes you have to accept that like all people, even family members can be people who are poisonous to you. My natural father is a liar, alcoholic, exaggerator, master manipulator, and completely self-centered. I cut him off in 1986, so 21 years since I've spoken to him.

In the meantime my sister finally reached the same conclusion, and when I talked to my first cousin a few days ago I hadn't spoken with since 1980, he told me that he felt the same way about my father (my cousin had lived a year with us).

I don't regret the estrangement at all and I have no desire to reestablish contact with him. We can't always understand what motivates family members to take actions they do, but we can recognize when their negativity is harmful to us and make a decision to not accept it. I do not believe blood relationships overrule common sense and I feel no compulsion to tolerate anyone in my family who wishes me harm or seeks to use me. I believe in some cases it's best to move on.

We can choose friends from anywhere, we cannot choose family necessarily...and sometimes we're given apples with worms. Whether family or not, they're still rotten.
Thanks.For all the responses. I still feel I have been treated as a scapegoat, when really, the whole issue was that NO ONE except me changed their life to help my father at the end. I never asked them for help-yet they resented me-it still hurts bcs I have such a small family- even had a bad dream about this last night. Thanks everyone for your response, really.

sunny
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Old 01-10-2007, 05:11 PM
 
Location: Springfield, Missouri
2,815 posts, read 12,611,884 times
Reputation: 2000001474
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyhelena View Post
Thanks.For all the responses. I still feel I have been treated as a scapegoat, when really, the whole issue was that NO ONE except me changed their life to help my father at the end. I never asked them for help-yet they resented me-it still hurts bcs I have such a small family- even had a bad dream about this last night. Thanks everyone for your response, really.

sunny
Just concentrate your love and affection on those you can reach within the family who return it to you! I've reached out to all my first cousins in the last month and because we'd been so far apart for so long, I've now got the scoop on ten first cousins and spoken to four of them and one of my aunts in the last few weeks and discovered all the second cousins I never knew existed! I even got in contact with a third cousin who has retraced our family common ancestor to my greatgreatgrandparents from Ulster, Northern Ireland whom we both share. He sent me their photograph and a picture of the house they lived in in Ireland. I knew my greatgrandfather from Ireland, and it turned out that he was my third cousin's grandmother's first cousin. It's been wonderful!
And, to my close family, I tell them I love them all the time. Because...I do!

Helpful Hint:
If you do some research on RootswebDOTcom, input your family name or the exact names of grandparents, etc., you may find your family shows up in it on both sides. That's how I found my third cousin whom I never knew existed. If it hadn't been for him, I'd never have seen what my greatgreatgrandparents looked like, or known the history of the family beyond my greatgrandfather who died when I was 13. I also found about about his wife, my greatgrandmother whom I remembered as an old lady with incredibly wet kisses I hated kissing. Through her family, I found my greatgreatgrandmother on her side in Germany. It's fascinating stuff

Last edited by MoMark; 01-10-2007 at 05:19 PM..
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