What I've learned from email (how many, buy, cell phone, penny)

[grmngrl8203]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make theseproducts are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'on their cans.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support ourAmerican troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a waterbuffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using apaper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because thenumber one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Althoughcell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)< o>


Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!


I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in theglue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelopethat needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking outfor me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forwardan email to seven of my friends and make a wishwithin five minutes.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the carso a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwaveanymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be prickedwith a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfumesample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a numberfor which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have theirrecipe.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brownAfrican spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when itbites my butt.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in theparking lot because it probably was placed there bya sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gascompanies!

Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!!

[FLPL75]

very funny grmngrl
I am tempted to send it to all those folks that email me the "warnings"

[mamagator54]

I'm with you Karla. But do I have to send it to 7 people in 5 minutes and make a wish?

Great post grmngrl.

What I've learned is that I am rich..I have won millions and millions in lotteries I never entered and have so many people that want me to have their money just by helping them get it into an American Bank or there is someone that died and had no heirs so they want me to have ALL that money.

[MusicFreak]

Excellent! lol I have actually heard something similar to this.
One thing that bugs me is the forwards. Some I don't mind
if it's a cutesy thing, but it only takes a few min to check
them out to see if some are hoaxs, and I think 95% are.
All you need to do is take the subject or first sentence and
copy it, pop it into google and see what comes up.
Some of these things, do sound as if they could be true,
but I always check first. Who comes up with these things anyway???