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A tough looking gang of bikers were out riding when they spotted an attractive young lady about to jump off a bridge - so they stopped.
The gang leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she did, and it was a long, lingering, passionate kiss.
After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the hottest kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you'll be wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My Dad hates me for dressing up like a girl......"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission."
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."
The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something.
If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would Ya"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?
What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask
me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
A town begins to flood and there was a preacher in the water up to his waist when a boat came along and the people said, 'preacher, preacher, get into the boat or you will drown.' The preacher replied, 'It's okay, God is looking out for me.'
The water gets higher up to his chest and another boat comes by and the people say, 'preacher, please get into the boat before you drown.' The preacher replied he had God on his side to take care of him.
The water rises to his neck and another boat comes by and the people plead, "Preacher, please get into the boat or you will drown.' And, again, the preacher said, 'God has my back he won't let anything happen.'
The preacher drowns and goes to heaven and tells God, 'I believed in you and never broke any of the commandments.' And God said, 'I know and I love you for that.' Then the preacher said, 'Well if you loved me so much why did you let me die? And God said, ''Let you die? I sent you three boats you dumb ass.'
A guy walks in a bar and orders a drink. Turns to the people on his left and says "you're
a bunch of fools". Turns to the right and says "and you're a bunch of idiots". Drinks up,
then leaves. Same thing the next day. One guy says "if he comes in again tomorrow, and
insults me, there'll be trouble". Next day in he comes, orders his drink. Turns to his left and
says "you're a bunch of fools" to the right, "and you're a bunch of idiots". The offended
guy says "hey, I'm no fool". "OK" says his abuser, "get over here with the idiots".
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she craps on you!"
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