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Im interested in hearing how you guys balance having Ivy leauge expectations for your kids yet praising them for their accomplishments .
For instance my daughter brought in a progress report with all B's. My husband wants to praise her and tell her good job. I want to put her on punishment for not getting straight A's.
I don't want to be too hard on my kid but at the same time I dont think she is a B student. I don't think she's trying her hardest.
At one extreme is the child who gets a A- on an advanced trigonometry quiz and kills herself and then on the other end there's a kid that is praised for getting a D- in reading 101 and actually believes this is exceptable.
This is a dilemma in childrens sports as well. If she comes in last place at a swim meet. Do I praise her and say you did great. Or do I tell her I dont think you worked as hard as you could have and this is the result. What if I actually believe she could win?
How do you guys balance high expectations with building self esteem and showing your kids your proud of them?
Here's one problem: not every B is equal - not even within the same school. I have heard a kid praised by his parents for getting a B. What the parents did not know was that everyone else got an A, and that their kid would also have gotten an A if he had made any effort. I have also known parents at the same school to be unhappy with a B grade in a very difficult class, in which a B was an excellent grade and the child had learned more than in any other class.
In answer to the praise/punishment question: it doesn't have to be either.
In general, I don't think fear is an appropriate motivator. I can personally identify with coming home with straight As except for one B and receiving criticism for getting a B. Don't set your kid up to start feeling that nothing is good enough.
Incentives and rewards, involvement and encouragement would go a lot further IMO in your situation.
But, your child will be who she is and not necessarily who you want her to be. Your expectation of Harvard may not be something she is able to achieve or interested in. I would suggest you begin to prepare yourself for this reality. If she does have the potential you believe she has, nurture it.
Parents should love their children unconditionally until the children are older.
It's best to praise her for the B because she already would know that an A is even better. Tell her those B's are pretty good and it's okay to throw in that maybe she can work even harder and get some of them into A's.
At one extreme is the child who gets a A- on an advanced trigonometry quiz and kills herself and then on the other end there's a kid that is praised for getting a D- in reading 101 and actually believes this is exceptable.
And the A- child is then no longer around to work for an A and isn't going to succeed at anything. The D- child is better off because he might be a very happy child who isn't very academic or he might even be one of those near-genius types who kicks in later.
The goal of parents should be kids who are happy with their lives. What's the point of producing a nuclear physicist who hates his life? The whole point in living is to be somewhat happy with your life. Most parents want their kids to succeed at something because having success or at least an ability to make it on their own can help them be somewhat happy.
Im interested in hearing how you guys balance having Ivy leauge expectations for your kids yet praising them for their accomplishments .
For instance my daughter brought in a progress report with all B's. My husband wants to praise her and tell her good job. I want to put her on punishment for not getting straight A's.
I don't want to be too hard on my kid but at the same time I dont think she is a B student. I don't think she's trying her hardest.
At one extreme is the child who gets a A- on an advanced trigonometry quiz and kills herself and then on the other end there's a kid that is praised for getting a D- in reading 101 and actually believes this is exceptable.
This is a dilemma in childrens sports as well. If she comes in last place at a swim meet. Do I praise her and say you did great. Or do I tell her I dont think you worked as hard as you could have and this is the result. What if I actually believe she could win?
How do you guys balance high expectations with building self esteem and showing your kids your proud of them?
Balance.
You are the only one that truly knows your child.
The mentality of "everyone gets a trophy even though they lost" is awful.
If you did poorly b/c you didn't try....then you did poorly b/c you didn't try. And if you want to keep it up, see what the consequences are...
If you did poorly b/c you were sick or hurt, that is different.
Just b/c my child cleans up his room or puts away his belongings does not warrant praise or gifts. It's part of the family dynamic..that is just what we do.
Now, if he is running at his soccer game and slips and allows the other team to make a goal...it is what it is. Parents don't need to sugar coat it but they also do not need to berate the child.
If a child is capable of succeeding, they will do it on their terms. Lectures and threats from parents does very little.
This is a dilemma in childrens sports as well. If she comes in last place at a swim meet. Do I praise her and say you did great. Or do I tell her I dont think you worked as hard as you could have and this is the result. What if I actually believe she could win?
I don't think parents should care so much about winning sports events. She's participating in a healthy activity; she's having fun (hopefully, if expectations haven't already ruined it for her). Is the fast swimmer somehow more valuable than the slow one? Why do you care if she wins?
I wouldn't praise her or tell her to work harder. I would just move on with the day's next activity.
I want my kids to be happy. But I feel that if I accept mediocrity, I'm setting them up for failure later in life. Should a parent ever just "accept" that they have a B or C student? When there are students at her school getting straight A's? It only gets harder from middle school. If I don't have high expectations for my children who will? I'm just struggling to find that balance. If I just accept it and say great job I feel like I'm giving up on my kids.
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