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Interesting read this, i never really bought into "you're so smart" stuff praise (no matter what), but to tell my kids what actions that they do are "right, good" or the "not smart, naughty". They basically learn from their own actions.
I have to disagree here. My parents have always told me I'm a very smart kid and it has always made me work all the harder. If a kid wants to be a wimp and give up because they face a challenge, that is their own fault for being lazy, it is not the parent's fault for telling them that they're smart. Enough with all this blame on the parents and just blame the laziness of the kids for once.
Want to know the problem with the youth today? They have never done anything wrong, because anything they do that is sub par is blamed on everything else except their own stupidity.
When I f*cked up, my parents were there to tell me I did and to make sure to not do it again. They always told me that I am smart and can accomplish everything, and never for a second let me believe otherwise, but they also made me take responsiblity for all of my actions and were never there to bail me out when I did wrong.
Eh, I think most kids figure out sincerely deserved praise pretty early on. If they only dealt with their parents all the time, perhaps it would be easier to believe them, but the real world deals a dose of reality at an early age.
My middle son used to struggle in school. We knew he was smart, and told him so, but because he worked twice as hard as his brothers, with nowhere near the grades, he never took our praise seriously. It was only after he had the full gamut of testing for an IEP that it sunk in. His IQ was on par with his brothers. We praised, the real world usurped it until that point.
I always do praise like the OP quoted. I praise specifically - I like the way you combined the colors in that painting, or I like how you kept trying until you got it, etc. I guess I tend to say that I like something rather than that something is inherently good. And I might say I like that your drawing is so bright and colorful, what do you like about it? Also, and related, I never tell my kids that they are a "good girl" or a "bad girl". Rather I say that I like what they did or I don't like what they did. That is one that the grandparents just do NOT understand... They are all about good girl/ bad girl.
There was some study of kids taking tests and some were praised with "you are so smart" and others with "you tried really hard", and the latter were more successful on a second harder test (or something like that). I think we studied that in college - I dunno, I feel like I knew about this way before I had kids anyway.
Of course there is also a whole movement about not praising kids at all, a la Alfie Kohn, and I've read about that, but I'm not quite there. Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"
Interesting read this, i never really bought into "you're so smart" stuff praise (no matter what), but to tell my kids what actions that they do are "right, good" or the "not smart, naughty". They basically learn from their own actions.
I knew all this before, but good of you to bring it up so others can learn of it. I always praise my son's effort and perseverance. I point out that the reason for his success (he's not even 2 yet, so we're talking opening a container that isn't easily opened, etc.) is that he kept trying and he never gave up. I do tell him he's a "good boy" often, but he will be learning that this simply means he chose to do the right thing. Still all about the choices he makes, not about some inborn difference between him and other kids. I suppose if someone were to tell their child "You're smart", it's neither the end of the world nor unfixable. You just follow up with "You're smart because you've been studying/reading/trying to learn".
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