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I often wonder if the modern approach to dealing with bullies is good for our kids in the long run. The tell approach never really does seem to teach them to deal with conflict. Yet seems to put more reliability on having other people deal with the issues. I mean how much further does this reach other then fights? Does this cause issues with your kids being less independent anytime there is conflict in their lives? I also wonder if it would screw with the fight flight response of kids. I mean when i grew up you took care of your own bullies in your own way. You gained self confidence out of the situation and generally the bully backed off...and in a lot of times didn't bully anymore.
I often wonder if the modern approach to dealing with bullies is good for our kids in the long run. The tell approach never really does seem to teach them to deal with conflict. Yet seems to put more reliability on having other people deal with the issues. I mean how much further does this reach other then fights? Does this cause issues with your kids being less independent anytime there is conflict in their lives? I also wonder if it would screw with the fight flight response of kids. I mean when i grew up you took care of your own bullies in your own way. You gained self confidence out of the situation and generally the bully backed off...and in a lot of times didn't bully anymore.
This is exactly what I was saying, when I was growing up if the school and teachers couldn't deal with the bullies and it continued then the one being bullied fought back and that usually took care of it. Have the time when they kids tell an authority figure nothing is done. Now, the schools threaten expulsion to both kids involved in the fight, no matter the circumstances, so those being bullied are scared to fight back, they don't want to be expelled.
So to answer your question, I think this sensitive approach that has been adopted over the last 15 to 20 years blows, sorry not every bully comes from a bad home, or is being abused, some kids just bully because they can, and then they don't understand why noone likes them, well duh maybe because you are a mean little brat?
In the world today, helicopter parents swoop in, make a ton of noise screaming: "I am going to sue! I am going to call the cops! You leave my Johnny alone! He is a nice boy! You be nice to him!!" And then they swoop right back out, just hovering. All along Johnny is not taught a thing about defending himself.
Then there are the drill sergeant parents who swoop in and say "I'm going to beat his butt when he gets home!" and swoop right back out, using fear as a method of control. Child only learns to avoid ways to upsetting their parents & getting caught.
I think children need to be given a fair amount of control & choice. And when they mess up, there is a consequence (which they knew about beforehand).
I'd rather my child learn to defend himself, by himself, at age 5,6,7 instead of me butting in and watch what happens come ages 15, 16,17. Nothing is worse than to see a kid who cannot defend themselves as teenagers b/c they were never taught to from day one.
This does not constitute hitting and fighting. But we live in a neighborhood of boys & there are words that are said & shoves & pushes when playing. So many times I want to say "Hey, be careful! You guys are playing rough! Someone is going to get hurt!" What will that do? Show my boys that I am in the shadow ready to jump in & save them the moment they get shoved.
The other day my boys were sitting on the couch hitting each other for some reason. I didn't yell or say "Stop it!". I simply said "Ok, good job hitting each other. You can go outside & continue to do so. You are welcomed back inside when you stop." Out they went & a few minutes later where playing together. Last night they got into over a DVD. Fine. No DVD. Again, no yelling, lecturing or threats from me. I said "Since the two of you have choosen to fight over a DVD, we will be unable to watch it tonight. Would you like to read books in your room or in the living room?"
As a teacher, I did the same thing. The students can continue to fight right down to the principals office (it happened) or they could stop and stay in the classroom.
It is VERY interesting what happens when yout teach children choices and consequences using empathy as the major tool.
BUT, I also think today's bullying is made very simple by texting & the internet. Bullies can be cowards who can say things NOT face to face & still attack.
On the topic of internet/text bullying, that is VERY difficult to deal with right now. It is ruthless.
As for kids learning to fight their own battles face to face, I say yes. This does not mean a parent is pro-hitting & fighting. It means that my child may hit another child one day (to think one's child is NEVER going to hit a child or tease is naive at best)..and that they are more than aware from their upbringing that there is a consequence from that choice they are making. It will not be me yelling, threating or hitting them, though.
Yes there are many bullies on the internet for sure.
My brother is in his mid 40's and the approach to bullying was very different back then. There was this kid who always beat on my brother. One time the kid put a hockey stick in my brother's bicycle spokes while he was riding the bike. My brother went flying. My mom was so upset at seeing my brother come home with black eyes/bruises.
One day my brother was outside and the bully was coming towards him. My mother happened to be there. She screamed out "beat the crap out of him now!!!!!!!"
My brother grabbed the kid, put him between his legs and pummeled the bully relentlessly. Lets just say the bully never bothered him again.
Was it the right thing to do? I'm not sure it was. It sure taught the bully a lesson though.
Last edited by KylieEve; 10-22-2010 at 03:06 PM..
Reason: .
"How much further can it reach other than fights?"
Are you kidding me? Haven't you been aware the the murders and suicides caused by bullies?
So kids are supposed to have the same reasoning abilities and conflict resolution skills as adults?
Taking care of it yourself assumes each kid has the physical and mental capabilities to confront a bully. Usually the bully picks on someone noticeably more vulnerable than they are.
I was just thinking today how grateful I am I live in a time and a community where I don't have to worry about my kids being assulted (either physically or self-esteem wise )by bullies in school. I feel confident my girls can take care of themselves but they shouldn't have to fight somebody if they are bullied. That is certainly not the way I want to raise my children.
"How much further can it reach other than fights?"
Are you kidding me? Haven't you been aware the the murders and suicides caused by bullies?
So kids are supposed to have the same reasoning abilities and conflict resolution skills as adults?
Taking care of it yourself assumes each kid has the physical and mental capabilities to confront a bully. Usually the bully picks on someone noticeably more vulnerable than they are.
I was just thinking today how grateful I am I live in a time and a community where I don't have to worry about my kids being assulted (either physically or self-esteem wise )by bullies in school. I feel confident my girls can take care of themselves but they shouldn't have to fight somebody if they are bullied. That is certainly not the way I want to raise my children.
I am not underplaying the suicides, but how are you confident your girls can take care of themselves? What it something YOU instilled in them, taught them, took time to develop?
I am not sure how many of the recent suicide (majority due to sexual orientation) came from homes where they were taught how to defend themselves in healthy ways?
Defending oneselves does not necessarily equate fighting.
If your child is physically and/or mentally incapable of defending themselves, their suicide does not happen overnight.
Again, this does not mean bullies get off scott free nor should be tolerated, but to continually promote victimizing the victim does nothing and has done nothing.
Bullies look for prey & victims. Teach your child not to be a victim and their chances of falling into the hands of a bully diminish.
Teach your child their are consequences to bad behavior and follow through w/ them, no matter how inconvienent the consequences may be on the parent. But, if you are instilling in your child choice/consequences based on your empathy, there is no inconvienence on part of the parent, but on the child. Not many children are going to keep repeating things if it becomes difficult to THEM. But as long as we have parents who run in & save their kids via expulsions and threats...it only fuels the bully, it does nothing in the long term for the bully or even sadder, their child. Who, chances are, will continually be bullied b/c they have no clue what to do b/c mommy/daddy does it all.
A parent CAN & SHOULD teach their children how to defend themselves without their interference. And hitting does not need to be involved.
Again, I'd rather my child learn this lesson as a toddler/young child than a teenager/young adult. By the time the really mean stuff starts to get meaner, they have the tools to survive.
This is exactly what I was saying, when I was growing up if the school and teachers couldn't deal with the bullies and it continued then the one being bullied fought back and that usually took care of it. Have the time when they kids tell an authority figure nothing is done. Now, the schools threaten expulsion to both kids involved in the fight, no matter the circumstances, so those being bullied are scared to fight back, they don't want to be expelled.
So to answer your question, I think this sensitive approach that has been adopted over the last 15 to 20 years blows, sorry not every bully comes from a bad home, or is being abused, some kids just bully because they can, and then they don't understand why noone likes them, well duh maybe because you are a mean little brat?
I know my girls can take of themselves because I have taught them and will continue to teach them (they are 8) they are strong people with alot of self worth. They are intelligent girls with good verbal skills and interpersonal skills to deal with their peers. I have also taught them mostly by example that physical fighting is never the answer to any problem. We will continue to teach them conflict resolution is an important life skill which will carry them far.
They also know not everybody is brought up the way they are being raised and people who shout and cuss and fight do so because they lack the intelligence to get their point across any other way.
I know my girls can take of themselves because I have taught them and will continue to teach them (they are 8) they are strong people with alot of self worth. They are intelligent girls with good verbal skills and interpersonal skills to deal with their peers. I have also taught them mostly by example that physical fighting is never the answer to any problem. We will continue to teach them conflict resolution is an important life skill which will carry them far.
They also know not everybody is brought up the way they are being raised and people who shout and cuss and fight do so because they lack the intelligence to get their point across any other way.
Do you see what you are saying...you are doing this as their parent & teaching them by example & conversation. Are you jumping in to save them or teaching them to be self-reliant in ways that are age-appropriate?
My 5yr old said to me "So & so said he hated me today." I asked him what he said. He said "I said that is too bad b/c I don't hate you. Then I played w/ XX" I stopped the conversation right there. No need to continue.
Well.... I was bullied ALOT as a child.... A LOT!! Always being the newbie in town, silly curly hair, glasses and a funny last name. I got it constantly.
As a young child I never told anyone I just let it happen.. No one knew, that I came home and cried after going all day being made fun of.
In middle school it turned into sexual harresment and it never stoped. I was older and had told him to stop, had gone to the teachers, counselers. FINALY I told my parents and they went to the school. NOTHING made it stop until my parents went above the school and he was eventually expelled.
My younger brother was constantly bullied in school this past couple years. A white boy with blonde hair and blue eyes that went to school with a lot of blacks. He was constantly picked on in class and school as well as at the bus stop because of his looks and his northern accent. So he did what he needed to defend himself. Telling the kids off as well as something fighting back. Well guess what??? He always got in trouble for it while the bully got of scotch free to torture him again the next day with the added enjoyment that he got in trouble and they didnt.
Honestly i think the best solution is for the child to talk to a parent and then for a parent to settle it with the proper athorieties.
I want my daughter to be CONFIDENT enough to come to me and tell me she is being bullied NOT confident enough to fight back on her own.
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Yes there are many bullies on the internet for sure. 
