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Today no parent ever wants to be viewed as uncool and tell a child no to something. Kid wants an iPhone but parents can't afford it? Just go into debt, the kid *needs* to be cool, have unlimited text messaging. Girl tells her folks that a boy is pressuring her for sex and the parents haul he to the birth control clinic telling her she needs to think of her social life first, have sex, be popular.
Today kids make the rules, the parents seem very afraid that they won't have the coolest kid if they aren't the coolest parent. The word "no" is out.
Today no parent ever wants to be viewed as uncool and tell a child no to something. Kid wants an iPhone but parents can't afford it? Just go into debt, the kid *needs* to be cool, have unlimited text messaging. Girl tells her folks that a boy is pressuring her for sex and the parents haul he to the birth control clinic telling her she needs to think of her social life first, have sex, be popular.
Today kids make the rules, the parents seem very afraid that they won't have the coolest kid if they aren't the coolest parent. The word "no" is out.
Oh BS. Seriously. No parent ever? That's so generalized and insulting it's not even funny.
I'm sure some kids are spoiled today, some kids were spoiled yesterday and some kids will be tomorrow.
The word "no" is not "out" in my house and no doubt countless others of today's parents. I'm sick and tired of getting lumped in with the stereotype that all of today's kids are spoiled and all of today's parents are weak minded patsies for their devil offspring.
I'm sure you don't include yourself in this terrible child run wild parenting generation so I'll thank you to leave me out of it as well.
Today no parent ever wants to be viewed as uncool and tell a child no to something. Kid wants an iPhone but parents can't afford it? Just go into debt, the kid *needs* to be cool, have unlimited text messaging. Girl tells her folks that a boy is pressuring her for sex and the parents haul he to the birth control clinic telling her she needs to think of her social life first, have sex, be popular.
Today kids make the rules, the parents seem very afraid that they won't have the coolest kid if they aren't the coolest parent. The word "no" is out.
Waw, where did you hear this?
If I want something my parents told me to work for my stuff, that's it, and I will.
IMHO, an eighteen-year-old boy NEEDS to be having sex a lot....the prolonged kind that involves loving/bonding behavior you cannot very well express in the back seat of a car. His body and brain are still developing, and the rush of good chemicals provided by sex and physical contact with a loved one are too important.
It is a very good thing that your son is in a primary relationship at such an early age. This will set a pattern of close relationships for the rest of his life. I know too many men who postponed that sort of thing (being 'good boys', following the formula pushed by all the authority figures "Keep it in your pants, Mister, until you are MARRIED!!!" "Don't even THINK about marriage, until you are out of college!!!") until they were out of College. Well, by that time the die was cast. They are distant with their spouses, some are serial divorcees. Most are incapable of marital fidelity. A couple of them have NEVER been in a primary relationship:EVER. All seem to be rather calculating where relationships are concerned, and all seem to project ulterior motives upon anyone who is interested in them.
If this girl is genetically and socially acceptable to you (not an incompatible racial group, IQ level, social class, or religion/culture for your family... presumably, your son seems OK to her family), then the ideal would be for them to marry soon, have a child, soon, and immediately begin Estate Building/making money/plotting career paths. Why not?
DH and I met in Weightlifting 101, as 17y.o. college Freshmen. We were both hideous creatures, there on scholarships/work study...dressed in worn-out K-Mart clothes acquired via thrift shops. He was the ugliest boy I'd ever seen: Pizza-face Acne, stooped posture, Ringworm-scarred scalp.....PERFECT for me. We instantly formed our own 2-person Troll Corner, in that class filled with beauties. And the collaboration expanded into exploration of all the free activities on campus. When you grew up in a shack without running water, and went to a rural school that did not offer Art or Music, everything is new and wonderful. Interpretive Dance workshops/Biofeedback Training/Readings....we were there. We both saw ourselves as less-than-zero...and together, we set about getting up to that magical Zero point (who knew, then, how far we would soar, together).
Well, after about six weeks of shared activities (including daily weightlifting), we had a real date. He probably knocked me up, that first night. Anyway, we were going at it like Wolverines, every spare moment. We both blossomed. The hormonal rush generated by the triple-whammy of improved nutrition (Cafeteria food was fabulous 5-star dining for us, plus we started taking vitamins, as we learned about Nutrition), exercise, and endless sex/love, triggered late growth spurts for both of us. I'm sure it helped our brains to grow, too.
We were married at Christmas Break, and with a child on the way, began seriously putting money away, and plotting to begin investing. When you're eighteen, you can somehow find time to work odd jobs, study, exercise, and have a fantastic love life. And if you have that as a basis for beginning your adult life, then what follows is not overwhelming. A pattern of ultra-productive, ultra-active, ultra-CONSTRUCTIVE behavior has been established.
That pattern was way different from the other trashy kids, sitting around watching Wheel of Fortune, tokin' off a Bong, and learning to blame 'The System', for the fact that they're going nowhere.
It was sort of different for us, since neither had family capable of giving us anything but grief. We were virtual orphans. So, we were like blank slates, free to write in anything we dared. Well, we wrote in "VIP" on that blank slate, and when that didn't get erased, later wrote an "Ultra-" in front of that. I won't bore with details of our early Estate Building. But our first purchased home was a 4-plex in a slum near campus: a near-derelict property we cleaned up and did well with.
I developed ways of dressing us really well, and DH developed relationships with budding Jewelry designers. My pieces may have been Papier Mache, but they were of artistic merit, and set me apart from all the other kids working bottom-level office jobs, wearing little Diamond Chips from the cheap big-box jewelers. So, we were noticed, and moved up frighteningly fast.
DH became a head-turning hunk within a year of our meeting. It took me longer, but I was a hottie by the time I got my first degree. The transformation could not have happened without the relationship.
The relationship resulted in the 2-person unit that made everything possible. Without it, I'd still be the uglier-than-Ugly-Betty, dumpy little Indian Girl....probably with a BA, working at some low-level position in some office, going home at night, to a Cat or a Chihuahua... Living in a slum, just waiting for some 'Under-Served Youth' to kill me in a 'botched robbery'. I sure wouldn't be living in a 'Swiss Brutalist masterpiece', teleconferencing from my Rose Garden. And my Christmas anxiety this year would not be hoping the DH would not surprise me with the Maybach 62 he's been threatening to buy me.
OUR kids? Well, our Daughter somehow was influenced by the Baptists in our old town, and remained a virgin until her mid-twenties. She's high-strung, a perfectionist and a hyperachiever...about to become a surgeon...about to marry so well it scares me. How am I going to appear to big, white grandchildren, whose father's distant cousins have titles?
Our sons, on the other hand, were 'active' so early it boggles the mind. And once they were 'legal', their availability to older women was notorious (roomier is apparently better...). So their pattern, I fear, is set as Don Juans. Hopefully, they will marry 'understanding' women...maybe one of the German or Swedish girls we'd walk in on them 'entertaining' in the outdoor shower at our place on one of the Lipari Islands (two guys...six blondes...life's short, and who am I to judge?). But who can blame the boys? Or the girls? Vegetarianism, Organic Diets, and extreme fitness have their rewards.
What MATTERS is our kids don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or waste time. They started managing our household accounts as children: and now have extensive fiscal/managerial responsibilities...which they handle flawlessly...still in college (we never discouraged initiative, and so they just kept on showing initiative). They've been making money since they were tiny tots, and have generally been dreams-come-true as offspring go. So, I've gotta be philosophical about the boys' habit of putting smiles on so many female faces.
The gist of what I'm saying is that your Son may be doing something that is very good for him. Focusing on how to optimize the relationship and plan for a wonderful future should be where your minds are, now. Marriage? Kids? College together? We ultimately cannot 'control' our kids. But we CAN help steer them toward being productive, and we can reinforce and validate their choices. Maybe try showering his girlfriend with love? Shopping trips together? College campus tours together? Investment seminars as a family?
WHAT CAN I MAKE OF THIS? That's something I learned from the Baptists around me. It's a success-bearing way of thinking. See what's good about your Son's relationship. Shower both of them with love, and guide them toward a happy future.
Today no parent ever wants to be viewed as uncool and tell a child no to something. Kid wants an iPhone but parents can't afford it? Just go into debt, the kid *needs* to be cool, have unlimited text messaging. Girl tells her folks that a boy is pressuring her for sex and the parents haul he to the birth control clinic telling her she needs to think of her social life first, have sex, be popular.
Today kids make the rules, the parents seem very afraid that they won't have the coolest kid if they aren't the coolest parent. The word "no" is out.
Malamute-your statement surely sounds like someone who is trolling for action.
If not, then let me tell you raising teenagers is the toughest job out there BECAUSE we parents enforce our standards. Allowing teenagers to make those type of decisions without adult guidance is basically playing roullette. Saying no, and standing by your statements is what children need. As a whole, I think parents are trying really hard but at same time we do have A FEW parents who are trying to be cool. I do not think there are many "Cool" parents, I think the majority set standards. So, I think your statement is inaccurate.
IMHO, an eighteen-year-old boy NEEDS to be having sex a lot....the prolonged kind that involves loving/bonding behavior you cannot very well express in the back seat of a car. His body and brain are still developing, and the rush of good chemicals provided by sex and physical contact with a loved one are too important.
It is a very good thing that your son is in a primary relationship at such an early age. This will set a pattern of close relationships for the rest of his life. I know too many men who postponed that sort of thing (being 'good boys', following the formula pushed by all the authority figures "Keep it in your pants, Mister, until you are MARRIED!!!" "Don't even THINK about marriage, until you are out of college!!!") until they were out of College. Well, by that time the die was cast. They are distant with their spouses, some are serial divorcees. Most are incapable of marital fidelity. A couple of them have NEVER been in a primary relationship:EVER. All seem to be rather calculating where relationships are concerned, and all seem to project ulterior motives upon anyone who is interested in them.
If this girl is genetically and socially acceptable to you (not an incompatible racial group, IQ level, social class, or religion/culture for your family... presumably, your son seems OK to her family), then the ideal would be for them to marry soon, have a child, soon, and immediately begin Estate Building/making money/plotting career paths. Why not?
DH and I met in Weightlifting 101, as 17y.o. college Freshmen. We were both hideous creatures, there on scholarships/work study...dressed in worn-out K-Mart clothes acquired via thrift shops. He was the ugliest boy I'd ever seen: Pizza-face Acne, stooped posture, Ringworm-scarred scalp.....PERFECT for me. We instantly formed our own 2-person Troll Corner, in that class filled with beauties. And the collaboration expanded into exploration of all the free activities on campus. When you grew up in a shack without running water, and went to a rural school that did not offer Art or Music, everything is new and wonderful. Interpretive Dance workshops/Biofeedback Training/Readings....we were there. We both saw ourselves as less-than-zero...and together, we set about getting up to that magical Zero point (who knew, then, how far we would soar, together).
Well, after about six weeks of shared activities (including daily weightlifting), we had a real date. He probably knocked me up, that first night. Anyway, we were going at it like Wolverines, every spare moment. We both blossomed. The hormonal rush generated by the triple-whammy of improved nutrition (Cafeteria food was fabulous 5-star dining for us, plus we started taking vitamins, as we learned about Nutrition), exercise, and endless sex/love, triggered late growth spurts for both of us. I'm sure it helped our brains to grow, too.
We were married at Christmas Break, and with a child on the way, began seriously putting money away, and plotting to begin investing. When you're eighteen, you can somehow find time to work odd jobs, study, exercise, and have a fantastic love life. And if you have that as a basis for beginning your adult life, then what follows is not overwhelming. A pattern of ultra-productive, ultra-active, ultra-CONSTRUCTIVE behavior has been established.
That pattern was way different from the other trashy kids, sitting around watching Wheel of Fortune, tokin' off a Bong, and learning to blame 'The System', for the fact that they're going nowhere.
It was sort of different for us, since neither had family capable of giving us anything but grief. We were virtual orphans. So, we were like blank slates, free to write in anything we dared. Well, we wrote in "VIP" on that blank slate, and when that didn't get erased, later wrote an "Ultra-" in front of that. I won't bore with details of our early Estate Building. But our first purchased home was a 4-plex in a slum near campus: a near-derelict property we cleaned up and did well with.
I developed ways of dressing us really well, and DH developed relationships with budding Jewelry designers. My pieces may have been Papier Mache, but they were of artistic merit, and set me apart from all the other kids working bottom-level office jobs, wearing little Diamond Chips from the cheap big-box jewelers. So, we were noticed, and moved up frighteningly fast.
DH became a head-turning hunk within a year of our meeting. It took me longer, but I was a hottie by the time I got my first degree. The transformation could not have happened without the relationship.
The relationship resulted in the 2-person unit that made everything possible. Without it, I'd still be the uglier-than-Ugly-Betty, dumpy little Indian Girl....probably with a BA, working at some low-level position in some office, going home at night, to a Cat or a Chihuahua... Living in a slum, just waiting for some 'Under-Served Youth' to kill me in a 'botched robbery'. I sure wouldn't be living in a 'Swiss Brutalist masterpiece', teleconferencing from my Rose Garden. And my Christmas anxiety this year would not be hoping the DH would not surprise me with the Maybach 62 he's been threatening to buy me.
OUR kids? Well, our Daughter somehow was influenced by the Baptists in our old town, and remained a virgin until her mid-twenties. She's high-strung, a perfectionist and a hyperachiever...about to become a surgeon...about to marry so well it scares me. How am I going to appear to big, white grandchildren, whose father's distant cousins have titles?
Our sons, on the other hand, were 'active' so early it boggles the mind. And once they were 'legal', their availability to older women was notorious (roomier is apparently better...). So their pattern, I fear, is set as Don Juans. Hopefully, they will marry 'understanding' women...maybe one of the German or Swedish girls we'd walk in on them 'entertaining' in the outdoor shower at our place on one of the Lipari Islands (two guys...six blondes...life's short, and who am I to judge?). But who can blame the boys? Or the girls? Vegetarianism, Organic Diets, and extreme fitness have their rewards.
What MATTERS is our kids don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or waste time. They started managing our household accounts as children: and now have extensive fiscal/managerial responsibilities...which they handle flawlessly...still in college (we never discouraged initiative, and so they just kept on showing initiative). They've been making money since they were tiny tots, and have generally been dreams-come-true as offspring go. So, I've gotta be philosophical about the boys' habit of putting smiles on so many female faces.
The gist of what I'm saying is that your Son may be doing something that is very good for him. Focusing on how to optimize the relationship and plan for a wonderful future should be where your minds are, now. Marriage? Kids? College together? We ultimately cannot 'control' our kids. But we CAN help steer them toward being productive, and we can reinforce and validate their choices. Maybe try showering his girlfriend with love? Shopping trips together? College campus tours together? Investment seminars as a family?
WHAT CAN I MAKE OF THIS? That's something I learned from the Baptists around me. It's a success-bearing way of thinking. See what's good about your Son's relationship. Shower both of them with love, and guide them toward a happy future.
And blessings to YOU!
What a fascinating and fantastic post. You make me want to shower YOU with love.
Our 18 year old son still lives with us and we've made it very clear to him that we do not approve of him spending the night at his girlfriends house. She is also 18 and lives with her parents. Her parents have no objection and even let them sleep in the same bed. This makes my wife and I absolutely crazy because it goes against everything we were raised and the way we raised him. All we get is that "I'm 18 and you aren't allowed to tell me what to do." To which we've responded that come Jan 1st after the holidays, we're going to help him get his own apartment since he doesn't like the rules living here.
We don't want to kick him out but we also don't enjoy having our son thumb his nose in our face and say "I'll do what I want and you can't stop me."
Steve
Just curious, but what are you trying to accomplish here? If you're going to get him into his own place you're just going to make it easier for him to sleep with his girlfriend and your reward is a strained relationship with your child.
Doesn't sound like a good plan to me.
Furthermore, he's 18 years old now. He's legally an adult and you need to treat him like such. The "It's my house" stick should be there to make sure he is not interfering with the home life and doing things like NOT coming home falling down drunk at 4am and inviting strange people over to the house without permission. It should never, in my opinion, be used to try making them conform to your moral code. That's pretty much how my parents did it with me and that time went smoothly and we still have a solid relationship today.
We told our sons the same thing my parents told me. Yeah, you're 18 and should make some decisions. But it doesn't matter if you're 18, 28, 38. If you're in our house you will go by our rules.
If he has a job and wants to sleep with his girlfriend then help them find a place like you mentiones.
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Troll?
