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I understand that. Of course I'll get it fixed if she wants to get it fixed. But really, to say it's something you have to live with as if it's a hideous deformity is a little ridiculous, and is somewhat indicative of the pressure that we put people under today to all look a uniform way, and it infers that if you deviate from the norm even a tiny bit it's going to cause you a lifetime of emotional duress.
If dd has a problem with it I'm not going to reel off the names of anybody, I'll respect that and not diminish it, but I really hope she doesn't end up so shallow that having a slight gap between her front teeth like thousands of other people who've somehow managed to endure life with it is going to cause her actual pain.
I totally agree! A gap is not a big deal. It's not a deformity, it's unique. I personally like it. My first boyfriend had a gap and I thought it was HOT! lol.
I understand that. Of course I'll get it fixed if she wants to get it fixed. But really, to say it's something you have to live with as if it's a hideous deformity is a little ridiculous, and is somewhat indicative of the pressure that we put people under today to all look a uniform way, and it infers that if you deviate from the norm even a tiny bit it's going to cause you a lifetime of emotional duress.
If dd has a problem with it I'm not going to reel off the names of anybody, I'll respect that and not diminish it, but I really hope she doesn't end up so shallow that having a slight gap between her front teeth like thousands of other people who've somehow managed to endure life with it is going to cause her actual pain.
I think that is what we all hope for in our kids. And as parents, probably we hope we give them the right tools to figure it out w/o feeling bad about themselves.
Just reading some of these posts are alarming b/c parents say "oh, I want my child to have choice & feel free to make decisions about this that & the other" but when it comes to fixing an imperfection it is "no, they will learn to love it & embrace it & no way will I get it fixed for them b/c society is too judgemental".
More than likely, your dd would be fine, especially since it is a shared family trait! Focus on the present, the future is not under our control
I totally agree! A gap is not a big deal. It's not a deformity, it's unique. I personally like it. My first boyfriend had a gap and I thought it was HOT! lol.
Again, to YOU. The CHILD is not YOU.
I know what many are saying but at the same time, it is a lot of "to me...".
To YOU, it is a small gap. To the child, it could be on the level of a cleft lip. Those feelings just cannot be shoved under the carpet.
And before it is said, I as the parent am making it an issue not the child...my 5yo chipped his front tooth last wk playing outside. It's beyond noticeable. Since it is not on the gumline and he is not having any pain, we need to wait until his scheduled checkup due to how insurance covers it. That is in the summer. He knows it is there. We know it is there. I'm not sitting around asking my 5yo how he emtionally feels about his tooth or dwelling on it.
Again, to YOU. The CHILD is not YOU.
I know what many are saying but at the same time, it is a lot of "to me...".
To YOU, it is a small gap. To the child, it could be on the level of a cleft lip. Those feelings just cannot be shoved under the carpet.
Yes and I already said earlier in this thread that I would leave the decision up to my child. If my child wanted it fixed, I would get it it fixed for them. I was just agreeing with Finster about some of the comments being on the shallow side coming form some of the parents who see a gap as some kind of deformity.
I honestly think some kids are going to be susceptible to peer pressure with regard to their looks, and some are not. Whether it's parenting, personality, confidence, who knows. I don't know if I would have a gap fixed or not, probably not, but then again I'm not one who would alter looks medically/surgically anyway, unless disease were involved. But if it were my kids, and they were getting teased, probably yes. Hopefully I have had sufficient positive influence over my children that a) they wouldn't make fun of anothers physical difference b) they would have confidence in their own appearance c) they are smart enough to know the difference between physical charactersitics and deformities.
Last edited by Zimbochick; 01-07-2011 at 08:54 AM..
Again, to YOU. The CHILD is not YOU.
I know what many are saying but at the same time, it is a lot of "to me...".
To YOU, it is a small gap. To the child, it could be on the level of a cleft lip. Those feelings just cannot be shoved under the carpet.
And before it is said, I as the parent am making it an issue not the child...my 5yo chipped his front tooth last wk playing outside. It's beyond noticeable. Since it is not on the gumline and he is not having any pain, we need to wait until his scheduled checkup due to how insurance covers it. That is in the summer. He knows it is there. We know it is there. I'm not sitting around asking my 5yo how he emtionally feels about his tooth or dwelling on it.
But don't you think, 121804, that to be on the level of a cleft lip, to a child, somebody would have to make them feel that way? I can't see how a child would be that traumatized by a simple difference unless somebody put that notion that it's something to be upset about into their heads in the first place.
That's why it's interesting to me to see what the adults in this forum actually think about this. It never bothered me, but nobody ever made a big deal of it either. That's why I wanted to gauge the opinions about it. I think it's enlightening to see how many people actually think it's something that could even be traumatic at all.
I don't know 121804, we cannot run around "fixing" physical features that our children are not happy with just because it makes them upset. What needs to be fixed are our children's attitudes towards those features and how it makes them unique. Comparing a cleft lip, which is a deformity that can cause much greater problems than social discomfort to a gap in someone's teeth which is just a feature is a little extreme.
If my mother had given into my every whim and corrected every aspect of my physical appearance that made me unhappy I probaly would have had a boob job, chemical hair straightening, dyed my hair, worn color contacts, had leg extension therapy, lipo on my tummy, chemical peels and plastic surgery on facial scars, brazilian butt implants, a platinum membership to a tanning salon and god only knows what else, all before I was old enough to know what I was going to look like by the time I reached adulthood.
And the only two things that would have come of it would be that my self esteem would be completely crushed AND I'd probably be able to find work as a drag queen.
I don't think "correcting" these physical features on child is going to do anything other than reinforce the idea that "yes there is something wrong with you, you are not good enough as you are". I'd rather work on the unhappiness itself than on the supposed cause of the unhappiness, which is usually not the cause at all. Some of the most beautiful people I know are also the most insecure, physical perfection does not bring happiness.
FinsterRufus & Icibiu- In no way am I promoting appeasing a child's need based on sheer appeasing b/c "we" think it would make the child feel better.
That is why I said in my 1st post that it is a slippery slope that needs to be handle both empathically & w/ maturity on part of the parent.
I also stated that it cannot be forecasted how we would respond until going through it.
It's easy to say for the future, but until it is present & we are going through it w/ our children..we really don't know. We can hope & work for a great outcome, but who knows?
Of course I do not agree that if a child wants a feature fixed the parent should just call the doctor & do it.
I was just saying that I would hope parents take a compassionate side to it if indeed the "gap" is more than just a gap to their child. For most, no, it's not. But for some it is. To expect a 14yr old to have the emotional capacity of their parent is not necessarily fair.
It's all case by case. And again, I don't sit around w/ my boys talking about their skinned knees, bumped heads, chipped teeth, runny noses, of that they are wearing dots w/ stripes
Finster..as for the cleft lip. I have a friend whose son was born w/ one 12 yrs ago. He has undergone 14 surgeries. His family has done EVERYTHING in their power & w/in limits to make sure he felt good about himself. At the same time, he is more than aware of how he was born & what he has gone through. Good days & bad days. Cleft lip surgeries are painful & children need several. Ever hear of Operation Smile? It is amazing. So, no, those w/ cleft lips are aware of it more based on the medical needs more than what others may say & it can impact their breathing, swallowing, hearing & even seeing. One surgery does not fix it & they need several as they develop due to facial/neck/throat changes. Hope you know I wasn't trying to compare a cleft lip to a gap, but that a child may truly feel a gap or small imperfection is awful. And, to finish, parents probably can get them through it.
FinsterRufus & Icibiu- In no way am I promoting appeasing a child's need based on sheer appeasing b/c "we" think it would make the child feel better.
That is why I said in my 1st post that it is a slippery slope that needs to be handle both empathically & w/ maturity on part of the parent.
I also stated that it cannot be forecasted how we would respond until going through it.
It's easy to say for the future, but until it is present & we are going through it w/ our children..we really don't know. We can hope & work for a great outcome, but who knows?
Of course I do not agree that if a child wants a feature fixed the parent should just call the doctor & do it.
I was just saying that I would hope parents take a compassionate side to it if indeed the "gap" is more than just a gap to their child. For most, no, it's not. But for some it is. To expect a 14yr old to have the emotional capacity of their parent is not necessarily fair.
It's all case by case. And again, I don't sit around w/ my boys talking about their skinned knees, bumped heads, chipped teeth, runny noses, of that they are wearing dots w/ stripes
Finster..as for the cleft lip. I have a friend whose son was born w/ one 12 yrs ago. He has undergone 14 surgeries. His family has done EVERYTHING in their power & w/in limits to make sure he felt good about himself. At the same time, he is more than aware of how he was born & what he has gone through. Good days & bad days. Cleft lip surgeries are painful & children need several. Ever hear of Operation Smile? It is amazing. So, no, those w/ cleft lips are aware of it more based on the medical needs more than what others may say & it can impact their breathing, swallowing, hearing & even seeing. One surgery does not fix it & they need several as they develop due to facial/neck/throat changes. Hope you know I wasn't trying to compare a cleft lip to a gap, but that a child may truly feel a gap or small imperfection is awful. And, to finish, parents probably can get them through it.
Yes, I'm very aware of it (operation smile) - it's amazing. I actually knew a few kids with cleft palates that when I was growing up, they were not as adept at correcting them then as they are now.
Also, we spent a lot of time at the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles' pediatric plastic surgery dept when having multiple appointments to track the development of dd's hemangioma. They do cleft lip surgery there too, and have children from all over the world come in to get some pretty serious issues fixed.
There's nothing like hanging out in that dept to get a little perspective on stuff. I actually felt trivial being there with the hemangioma, the other issues being so much greater, but the surgeon didn't think our concerns were insignificant at all and treated dd like she was just as important as the more serious plastic surgery cases. I frequently left the hospital in tears because I felt so bad for the parents, such as your friend. It must be truly heartbreaking to have to go through that with your child.
Although I have to say the kids were amazing, and seemed to take it all in stride.
I didn't think you were comparing the two - I was just wondering what on earth would cause a child to be so upset by a gap that it would cause trauma on the same level has having a cleft palate. (And the obvious answer to that would be - other people's negative reactions to it).
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