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So I live at home for free, I have car and a blackberry and very little bills to pay but I lack the important things.
I lack a mother who respects the fact that I have anxiety issues and does stuff that makes me anxious all the time.
I lack a mother who has compassion and cares. Just last night I got a migraine and she told me she didn't think I was sane because she has never seen anyone have such bad headaches and how I deal or lack of dealing with them.
I lack a caring, compassionate family who does stuff together.
I feel so alone, so anxious, I see my life falling apart right before my very eyes and I keep trying to hard to make things right and do the things other people want to me to do.
I am so depressed that I don't have those things in my life and I can't work past it and I can't get over because it makes me so sad that my mom doesn't hug me and tell me she loves me, that when I am gone for a week or two on end she doesn't even call me to make sure I am ok or to just say hi or goodnight.
I hate my life so much and I feel so anxious right now. I feel like I just want to leave the house and never come back. I literally hate every last bit of my life. Every single ounce of it.
I just want my mom to care and respect things about me and like for who I am.
I just want to find happiness and someone show some compassion for once.
I am tired of watching people be vindictive and just plain hurtful.
I want my mom to out of the kindness of her heart let me park in the garage, because she knows deep down it's a nice thing to do, so I don't have to go through all that.
I want my mom to hug me for once.
I am so depressed and I think I have hit a breaking point.
I don't want to move from my bed, I don't have the motivation to help myself because if no one cares about me then why should I care about myself?
Sure, I could go off and struggle and start my own life but I won't make if I don't have friends and family around who care.
Anyways, no one cares, I don't know why I am posting, because even my own mom doesn't care about how depressed I am.
But I am very depressed, extremely depressed.
Txt, I'll give you one piece of advice free, from the therapist I saw when I was a whiny college student:
"You don't have to be motivated to change. You just have to do it."
I'll share a "Teachable Moment" that presented itself last week.
I took TK to the library. The purpose was two fold. I wanted to show him that it's possible to access the internet for free (so he can never have the excuse in his future that he can't find a job because he doesn't have a computer, internet, etc.) And I wanted to teach him how to find an adult job (which he ultimately did).
But the best lesson was unplanned!
When we were leaving, I noticed someone had dropped a folded twenty dollar bill on the floor. I picked it up and walked right up to the counter and gave it to the librarian.
When we were in the parking lot, he was all over me, "WHY did YOU do THAT?!?!?!"
I simply responded, "Because it wasn't mine."
"Oh, you're not going to Hell when you die! You're going to be flying in heaven with Jesus!" (Sarcasm. He wasn't raised religious.)
"That's not why I did it. I did it because I strongly believe in treating others as I would want them to treat me. Maybe that was the last money that person had. Maybe it meant buying formula for a baby to eat. Even if I didn't have a penny to my name, I believe if I want something, I should work for it, not take it."
DEAD SILENCE.
Last edited by Hopes; 07-08-2011 at 07:27 PM..
Reason: typo clarification
Geez. I found out today that my maternal grandma really does strongly dislike hubby and me now. She told me mom that when my mom gets custody of my niece, my mom better not let my niece live with hubby and me. She also previously asked my other sister, who lives with her mother-in-law, and is less financially stable than we are to raise my niece if needed. Why does she dislike us so much? We're Catholic. Seriously, that is the only reason why. Well, that and the fact that my husband isn't white, but it has much more to do with Catholicism. It's just sad.
However, I'm not going to let it get to me. I know that my grandma is extremely bigoted, and I can't change that. Also, I know that we won't be able to leave our kids alone with my grandparents until they are older than a certain age. I know that they will try to tell our kids that what we believe will lead them straight to Hell and other sorts of things. It's not an irrational fear, either. It's what will happen.
Good job Hopes. So many people would just pocket the money, but you did the right thing.
Good morning! Hope everyone had a nice Friday evening....Watched True Grit on DVD last night, and the second to last episode of Friday Night Lights and called it an early evening.
May do some yardwork here before it gets too hot or buggy. With all the rain we've had, I'm guessing we'll get some mosquitos. Blech.
May do some reading today too. Just started Devil in the White City. A book I meant to read years ago but never go around to. So far it's very intersting.
I'm figuring I have, oh, approximately 14 years to go before I can read a book in peace.
LOL...it's weird about the reading...When my kiddos were very young (preschool and elem. years) I belonged to a bookclub which kept me reading. Once the kids got older, I started working more and really didn't need the bookclub for socialization so kind of fell out of that (actually I think many of us just moved on but we were an active bookclub for at least 10 years)...I got away from reading for awhile - just busy with work and older kid stuff....I don't know. But now, that I've got one pretty much on her own and another one headed that way, I'm starting to pick up reading again. It is kind of nice....
LOL...it's weird about the reading...When my kiddos were very young (preschool and elem. years) I belonged to a bookclub which kept me reading. Once the kids got older, I started working more and really didn't need the bookclub for socialization so kind of fell out of that (actually I think many of us just moved on but we were an active bookclub for at least 10 years)...I got away from reading for awhile - just busy with work and older kid stuff....I don't know. But now, that I've got one pretty much on her own and another one headed that way, I'm starting to pick up reading again. It is kind of nice....
Yeah, I used to read all the time, but now I just read when I go to bed and I can't stay awake very long.
Not to mention, I think having the internet has put a squash on it somewhat. It's kind of interactive reading. I mean, after all, you can give your worldly opinion on stuff, and who doesn't love that.
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Hopes
