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I've been divorced ten years, and I still feel bad now that my daughter is grown and seeing for herself the kind of person her father is.
My children are both young adults now and they have been through this heartache many times with Dad. They have gone through phases of being angry at their dad for not being an active part of their lives. I think they are both at peace with him right now. I have always told them that he loves them and that I am sorry he is not the dad they wanted but that it isn't their fault. It is just the way he is and the sooner they accept that the happier they will be. It has taken years but I think they finally understand. They know that the stability and support in their lives comes from their step dad and from me. While I have made many mistakes in the past 14 years, I have tried to allow them to form their own opinions about Dad and to not criticize him. He isn't the worst guy in the world, he is just an idiot. Did I say that outloud?
My children are both young adults now and they have been through this heartache many times with Dad. They have gone through phases of being angry at their dad for not being an active part of their lives. I think they are both at peace with him right now. I have always told them that he loves them and that I am sorry he is not the dad they wanted but that it isn't their fault. It is just the way he is and the sooner they accept that the happier they will be. It has taken years but I think they finally understand. They know that the stability and support in their lives comes from their step dad and from me. While I have made many mistakes in the past 14 years, I have tried to allow them to form their own opinions about Dad and to not criticize him. He isn't the worst guy in the world, he is just an idiot. Did I say that outloud?
Yes, you did! LOL.
My ex is an alcoholic, but he functions now and holds a decent job, which he wouldn't do when we were married. He's also an idiot, immature and unable to hold sensible conversations even when sober, like many alcoholics. We divorced when my daughter was eight, and for a while he was on good behavior when he would have her for visiting or when he took her out, but once she hit 16 or so, I guess he decided not to hold back on the drinking in front of her anymore. It's more than just his drinking, though--he has oddball ways. For example, last year she was telling me that his microwave broke--shorted out when she was using it. His response was to keep hounding her about what she must have done to break it--she MUST have put a fork in there, or aluminum foil, or to have done SOMETHING to it--the microwave couldn't just have broken on its own. Reminded me of when I was married and he would be out somewhere and get a flat tire and then come home and yell at me that I must have run over a bottle or jumped the curb or something to have made that flat tire happen to him. It's sad, because the drinking and the verbal abuse make her want to just distance herself from him, just as it did me. She does love him, of course, and he loves her to the extent that it is possible for him to love another person.
I am not happy at all... this is very difficult. And when I say difficult I don't mean the house work or the parenting part...heck I am quite good at that part. I havae always been the pro active parent. What I am having to deal with now is how my kids are reacting to this and my ex doesn't help at all, this past week she asked if they could go with her for dinner and I agreed, ofcourse, well when my kids came back my oldest approached me and began to question the child support and then told me how bad mom is struggling and that he felt bad for her and that I should be the bigger person and not do what I am doing.......:/ I did not react and I told him that I understood him and that I was not doing this to be a bad person but that she still needed to help... I mean obviously she pulled the sympathy card on them.. ugh!! She never spends time with them and the time she does have she does that...this is the path she chose I don't feel bad.....I mean really does she have to use the kids to hurt me....and feel sorry for her and shake the peace of the home.....
Hope1er... I know it's tough now. I well remember how tough it is in the beginning. Heck, it was pure hell for me for the first 5 years, then it turned to tough for the next 5. It has only been okay for the past 4 years. Divorce always sounds like "the easy way out" to people who have never been through it. In reality, being a single parent will be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. Unfortunately...you don't have a choice and it sounds like you really love your children and as long as you put them first, you will survive this.
Some advice from the trenches... Your ex may not be the bigger person. She may wallow in the mud and worse, she may drag you down there with her. Be bigger than that. She may give your kids the sob story about how broke she is. They are going to believe her. You have to tell them that these are adult issues and that you are not trying to hurt her (mom) you are trying to do the best job you can in raising them. Then drop it. There will be times when mom turns the kids against you. Be strong and don't trash her or worry about them knowing your side of things. One thing that helped me was to know that my kids knew I loved them unconditionally so they could be mad at me, yell at me, accuse me of trying to hurt my ex etc. They never said those things to dad because they weren't sure of his love. Does that make sense? They abuse the one they can count on. Sounds stupid but it seems to be the case. Know matter what, don't let them get in the middle of the adult issues. That means money, child support, custody, visitation, etc. When mom dissappoints them, and she will, just remind them that they were loved and wanted on the day they were born and that no matter what she does, you know that she loves them. Tell them that loving her does not hurt you, it honors you. Remember...no matter how hard this is on you, it's 10 times worse for them.
Oh, and get the book: Co-Parenting with a Jerk. Don't remember who wrote it but it helps.
Sorry for what you are going through man. I know what you are going through because I took my wife back and there are a few guys in your situation and have gone through mine.
If this is a problem delete the link please www.dadshideout.com is a site that me and a few of my friends run because there is nowhere on the net for straight up dad support for dads. The people in the above mention paragraph thats where we go. If you view the site as a guest it looks like we only deal with hobbies but we make personal items support, work, family no viewable so its there but will not show.
Again, if this causes a problem please delete my second paragraph but keep my top post.
Stay strong brother.
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