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My oldest boy is in his late 20's. We've always had a strained relationship. He was a very difficult teenager. Luckily he outgrew and matured past those behavior problems. Unfortunately, it left him with a "bad taste" towards me. I was a single mom of 4 boys. (Their father was non-existent, by his own self-absorbed choosing.)
He now has an impressive paying job, for somebody his age. He did get married, to a gal he was dating for 3 yrs. My other 3 sons and myself all KNEW this gal was High Maintenance. We knew she wanted him for his paychecks. We didn't say anything because we knew if we spoke against her, he would probably disown us.
They never made it to the 1st Wedding Anniversary. She spent him into heavy debt in a very short time. He's a OTR Haz-Mat Trucker. While he was on the road, making money.... she was spending it FAST! Every week the bank called with an overdraft problem. She got Credit Cards, and didn't tell him. She was SUPPOSED to be paying the bills, while he was on the road. NOPE.... the Utilities got shut off. Anyhow... you are getting the picture. Financially speaking... this girl was an out of control train wreck.
He's still not quite divorced from her. Almost. Just a few more weeks and the divorce will be final.
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Now to MY problem.... just last week he made a comment to me, that absolutely hurt me. He said something to the effect of..... I need to stop trying to find a man to pay my way thru life. I never got a chance to reply to him, because his boss was beeping on the other line.
When I hung up the phone, I just started crying. I don't know what hurt me more? Believing that ME.... his own mother is a "money grubbing user" of men or that he doesn't think I'm worthy of a relationship of LOVE.
I just spent every single day of the last week crying. I can't believe just how badly and deeply this hurt me.
It's bad enough I spent the last 19 yrs ALONE. Being a divorced mom of 4 young boys, most men consider that to be a "woman with baggage". The kids finally grown, then I got sandwiched taking care of elderly parents. The parents died 2008. I'm just now FINALLY able to live a life FOR ME!!!!
and I find out my oldest son thinks I'm a woman that only wants a man for his money.
I'm at a loss. I've been beyond lonely for soooooo long.
Unfortunately, those who are closest to us know best which buttons to push. I'm so sorry he said that to you. It sounds like he is hurting from what happened to him, still resents the power struggles growing up and lashed out in the way he knew would hurt you the most.
Would it help to write him a letter? It would probably take several drafts, but maybe it would help get it off your chest to let him know how his words hurt you. The area where I would caution you is that I would avoid mentioning anything about "how much I sacrificed when you were young and no man wanted me because I had 4 boys and your father was a deadbeat." Absolutely that may be true, but I think that may be a very hurtful point for him too. Neither of you asked for a father that abandoned his family. You should be commended for doing right by your boys, but in his mind, you are mom, and that's what moms do. He may also blame you for dad leaving. Who knows, it's hard to know the subconscious ideas kids come up with when one parent is absent. He may also carry guilt feelings for the relationship you two had... it can be very complicated, and both of you suffered those years of his childhood.
Maybe find a way to come at it like you want to find a way to connect with him, that you love him, that you don't understand where this anger is coming from, but that you want to, that you want to really understand him?
I am so sorry your son said this to you, it was a hurtful thing to say. With that said, I really don't think he actually meant it. As the other poster said he is going through a stressful time right now and possibly he is projecting what his soon to be ex did to him on you. Maybe the next time you speak with him you can exress how his comment really hurt you and that you hope that is not how he actually see's you.
Thank you for your perspectives. I will sleep on this tonight. I bet I've taken 50 walks around town this past week.... I feel like I got clobbered by a concrete block.
At this stage in your life you need approval from your children. It is normal. We don't want permission but we would like to get approval and to have them show some appreciation for what we have done. your son is very self centered right now and pretty much thinking women are money grubbing blood suckers. I'm doubtful he meant his comment directly to you but I think you should let him know either with letter or private one on one and tell him how his comment hurt you.
And yes, you do deserve some romance, companionship in your life after the stress of raising 4 boys by yourself.
springazure, really...your son spoke out of hand to you....he is angry, and lashing out at the only female who is constant in his life.You've raised 4 boys on your own...feel proud!...the best part of life is about to begin....enjoy
I'm at a loss. I've been beyond lonely for soooooo long.
Right now he's probably bitter toward ALL women, thinks ALL women are out for money they can get from a man. You need to just consider what he's going through and let it go - although you can also let him know you didn't appreciate his words in the least and that you aren't his punching bag because he screwed up in his choice of women.
Also has he been in contact with his dad at all? Sometimes deadbeat fathers have a whole slew of "explanations" they give and can be quite manipulative with adult kids who grew up longing for a father.
A few yrs ago, their dad's mother passed. They went to the funeral. Their dad was there. That was the extent of their contact. Last we heard (gossip grapevine) he is now on his 7th wife. I'm confident the boys realize their dad isn't a real "relationship success" story. LOL Their dad hasn't even lived in this state for a very long time!
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