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You already know you are enabling her and you stated you would at this point continue to do so until the lease is up...
I am sorry you are having to go through this and you are right her behavior is nothing less than deplorable..and again you are right she is 20 and in charge of her own decisions...however not at your emotional or financial expense...
She seems to have a DEEP sense of entitlement however as you stated she has always been like this so it cannot be all your ex husbands fault even though he seems to indulge the poor behavior if it is at the expense of you and your family which is inexusable behavior for a grown man.
You stated you can name of many i.e.'s of what has she has done in the past but honestly the past is the past and now she is an adult and should be ready to behave as one...
I know you stated that you and your daughter are not speaking at this time but that you are useto the "silent" treatment but that you know that this is no way to problem solve and if this is the way she deals with things than she is setting herself for failure...
YOU do however deserve respect especially since you are supporting her financially...If I were you I would write her a letter but let it be fact based...
Since you are concerned about her behavior as of late focus solely on the behavior as of late, do not compound issues and throw her past in her face or the letter will lose meaning.
State your recent concerns and it keep it short and concise...state to her that you deserve more respect and you are truly concerned about her behavior towards you and others, use "I" statements...i.e. "I feel when you say or do this....."
State the obvious truth that she is an adult and although you do not mind assisting her through her education she needs to behave appropriately..
State that you love her and want a relationship but an open dialogue is needed...
After state the ramifications should she choose not to comply..
a call to the housing manager will be made and the lease will be broken even if it means paying a penalty fee..
use what you do for her as leverage...rent, utilities, internet and so forth..
Imcurious: I agree with you, the challenges are there for anyone and it is a choice on how to deal with them. Blaming a parents' divorce entirely for one's behavior is BS. As I mentioned to someone else, if I had stayed with him, she could blame me for teaching her to put up with someone who turned into a drunk. Apply the same blame game to any other scenario, rinse, wash, and repeat. Interestingly enough, my divorce has been brought up on here more than my daughter has ever complained about her parents not being together. If I had not been in a position to remarry, she would not have the brother and stepbrother she has - and of whom she adores. She has a close relationship with her stepdad, although he isn't real happy with her lately for obvious reasons. She had a good childhood and has said so herself.
The college tuition....she is totally biting the hand that feeds her. Whether it was me paying the tuition or someone else, there is a certain amount of civility expected in return. I don't expect to be placed on a pedestal or given an award for making the choice to support her in the fashion I have since she started college. I do expect to not be treated like crap, even if she is mad at me. I'm not close to my parents for reasons that earned them a lack of closeness from me. However, I do treat them respectfully when I do interact with them, however infrequent that may be.
Dr74: she has not always been like this, and her behavior has been markedly worse in the last year or so. She has always been more challenging than my other two kids. She has a strong personality. I do feel I can attribute a lot of her current behavior to my ex husband, her father. She has spent substantially more time around him and communicating with him in the last year or so. I am not a bitter ex-wife who is interested in blaming the ex for everything, I just see what i see and I'm not the only person in her life to have made this correlation. Ever since I let him know it would be helpful if he would help out with her college expenses he has been acting as though I asked him to cut off his right arm. He has not helped at all although continues to bash me for a short conversation we had 3 years ago. I think they have bonded over negativity and if she was still a kid their conversations would be akin to parental alienation syndrome. But she's 20 and has made a choice to engage in this behavior with him. He should know better. His family has cut him off for the most part and this may be his way of holding on to what he sees
as what's left of his family. I don't know but I do know he is not trying to strengthen their bond in a positive manner. It's his choice to relate to her this way and her choice to be involved with him like this.
as what's left of his family. I don't know but I do know he is not trying to strengthen their bond in a positive manner. It's his choice to relate to her this way and her choice to be involved with him like this.
I am sorry hun if you thought I was attacking you regarding your daughter...I was not, I feel for you in this situation..
And as a divorcee myself I know the strife that can evolve from split co parenting..Children are distinctly aware of this and grand manipulation is common...My post was directed towards methods you could try if you haven't yet..
Daughter update. I received a text message from her a couple of hours ago.....the alert woke me up and now I can't sleep, ugh. She said she wanted information regarding the rental textbooks, info I had already sent. Also wants the spare key to her apartment back from me. The tone of the message was abhorrent, nasty really. I took care of the textbooks and I never use the key. I would never use it unless she said it was ok or there was an emergency. I'm on the fence about responding. Seems like responding when she's being obviously nasty is a waste of time and opens the door for further poor treatment. Any thoughts?
Daughter update. I received a text message from her a couple of hours ago.....the alert woke me up and now I can't sleep, ugh. She said she wanted information regarding the rental textbooks, info I had already sent. Also wants the spare key to her apartment back from me. The tone of the message was abhorrent, nasty really. I took care of the textbooks and I never use the key. I would never use it unless she said it was ok or there was an emergency. I'm on the fence about responding. Seems like responding when she's being obviously nasty is a waste of time and opens the door for further poor treatment. Any thoughts?
Sorry, but you know what to do. You just do not want to do it or do not have the intestinal fortitude to do. I must say you keep asking us as if you need us to make up your mind. Just do it, take care.
Daughter update. I received a text message from her a couple of hours ago.....the alert woke me up and now I can't sleep, ugh. She said she wanted information regarding the rental textbooks, info I had already sent. Also wants the spare key to her apartment back from me. The tone of the message was abhorrent, nasty really. I took care of the textbooks and I never use the key. I would never use it unless she said it was ok or there was an emergency. I'm on the fence about responding. Seems like responding when she's being obviously nasty is a waste of time and opens the door for further poor treatment. Any thoughts?
Personally, I'd ask her what's going on. While some kids are disrespectful and spoiled, this is not normal behavior.
Seems like she is harboring some resentment over something. I'd try and get it out in the open before you both become estranged.
She may not give you an answer, but she's probably waiting for you to at least acknowledge that she's upset over something.
Difficult as it is, I'd ignore the nasty tone of the text for now. Seems like she sent it late at night and who knows what state she was in. That's no excuse, but you'll just exacerbate the tense nature of your relationship if you get into it now.
I'd try and find out why she's acting the way she is first, and if she's not at all forthcoming, then I'd reassess how to go forward. I believe you should give her a chance to open up before all the doors of communication slam shut, and suddenly you haven't spoken for 15 years.
Update to OP. Over the past month I gave tried a variety of things to work out this situation with my daughter. She is not responding to email, texts, phone calls. She's fine as other people hear from her and she continues to post regularly on Facebook. Not too long after I posted the OP I found out she dropped all her classes spring quarter, around the mid-term point, causing a loss of several thousand of mine on wasted tuition. She has 7 classes left to complete her program and graduate but does not plan to return to school to do so. I have taken my name/info off her student account so if she does decide to return, her tuition invoice will not be sent to me. I have cancelled her internet service and made it so her cell phone can only make calls to emergency services and her job, nothing more. She's been instructed to take over the remainder of her bills and get her own cell phone plan ASAP.
Recently, before I started taking measures to extricate myself from her bills/finances, she posted a link on FB to a blog she created. My best friend and my mom both saw a post before I did and emailed me to let me know about it. I read it and it was horrible. She lied about both her bio dad and me, along with placing some personal info about one of her siblings. She has 400+ friends on FB and many are relatives and family friends, and her siblings. I don't know the specific reason she's done this but after everything else that's transpired, no more gravy train. In her "blog" she specifically stated
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