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The other day my boyfriend and I were having a discussion about how to get kids to do what the rules are.
He told me I wish I could be more like you, and said I make it look easy.
I told him..what I do to my kids, works for my kids..I told him I'm aggressive thats just me..
He is permissive
I'm aggressive
If I was to be permissive to my kids like he is too his kids..my kids would think something was wrong..And if he was aggressive like me, to his girls it would scare them..
He asked me how can he make his girls follow the rules and stick to them..
I told him he needs to figure this out for himself...and keep in mind the best interest of his girls..
My parenting style is "I said to do it..and do it now..don't make me tell you twice..""
My parenting style is "I said to do it..and do it now..don't make me tell you twice..""
What works for you?
Mostly now I insist on Roommate Rules (with just a touch of Mom as Benevolent Despot): clean up your own messes, don't make my life difficult, be where you're supposed to be and do what you're supposed to do, and let me know if plans change. If you want me to say yes, make it easy for me to do it. If that happens, life is pretty good. Otherwise, not so much.
And fwiw, I hate repeating myself, too, but I have two kids still at home, so I can count on it at least once (more often if dh is involved!).
The other day my boyfriend and I were having a discussion about how to get kids to do what the rules are.
He told me I wish I could be more like you, and said I make it look easy.
I told him..what I do to my kids, works for my kids..I told him I'm aggressive thats just me..
He is permissive
I'm aggressive
If I was to be permissive to my kids like he is too his kids..my kids would think something was wrong..And if he was aggressive like me, to his girls it would scare them..
He asked me how can he make his girls follow the rules and stick to them..
I told him he needs to figure this out for himself...and keep in mind the best interest of his girls..
My parenting style is "I said to do it..and do it now..don't make me tell you twice..""
What works for you?
This is how my husband and I are! We laid down the law at an early age. We set the expectations and boundaries and made sure they are always met. in my house, at walmart, at grandmas house, at the park-- you know how to act and if you don't I will remind you ONCE.. I never have behavior issues with my kids. However- to another family it may look "harsh" but it works for us. I might get "looks" from other parents when I (gasp) say "no" to them. My kids have a good life- however- we expect respect in return. Actually going into a more "lax" environment where kids are from a more "permissive" home stresses them out. They do better when they know what's expected of them.
You are right-- it probably won't work for his daughters-- it's not what they know and kids feed off/respond well to what they have been accustomed to since day one. It's too late. Kids dont do well with sudden changes like that- they will freak out, rebel, laugh at it, whatever defense mechanism they choose. Now maybe if you guys became one household- it's a crapshoot. It can go really well or really bad. Since now it's YOU doing it- not DADDY.
I think that ensuring the kids know the rules before they cross the line is important.
We are very strict on enforcing those rules. (We paddle) (yes I know most of you disagree)
By this I mean that when a kid gets punished, really they shlould already know that what they did broke the rules.
We have sat down from time to time as a family and written out the rules and talked about them. That way there is no claims of misunderstanding.
I think also the kids need to know that you are in control of yourself and the family. When a parent is angry then that is no time for punishing.
Permissive is an interesting word. Some people would say that in some things we are permissive - for example letting our kids roam unsupervised. In other areas they would say we were overly strict - clothing, food, showing respect and good maners.
I'm sorry for my ignorance-- does "paddle" mean "spank?" I can't knock you! I'm "permissive" as in catering to my kids for some things more than other parents, as long as my kids are clean- they wear what they want etc... However- we have HIGH expectations for respect, personal space, education is what I can think of. I like manners- please, thank you, don't interrupt, wait patiently, etc. I don't think "mam" and "sir" is necessary. Lots of stuff is cultural, more specific to family dynamics. My SIL is from the deep south and disciplines her dog by saying "NO MAM!". Awkward for a midwesterner like myself. My motto is: parent and let parent. We do what's right for US!
This is how my husband and I are! We laid down the law at an early age. We set the expectations and boundaries and made sure they are always met. in my house, at walmart, at grandmas house, at the park-- you know how to act and if you don't I will remind you ONCE.. I never have behavior issues with my kids. However- to another family it may look "harsh" but it works for us. I might get "looks" from other parents when I (gasp) say "no" to them. My kids have a good life- however- we expect respect in return. Actually going into a more "lax" environment where kids are from a more "permissive" home stresses them out. They do better when they know what's expected of them.
You are right-- it probably won't work for his daughters-- it's not what they know and kids feed off/respond well to what they have been accustomed to since day one. It's too late. Kids dont do well with sudden changes like that- they will freak out, rebel, laugh at it, whatever defense mechanism they choose. Now maybe if you guys became one household- it's a crapshoot. It can go really well or really bad. Since now it's YOU doing it- not DADDY.
I understand what you mean..But we dont live together and I dont ever try and discipline his girls..He needs to find what will work for him...My way, how I do the discipline and lay down the rule to my kids, wont be effective if he tried it on his girls..
When I tell my kids go wash the dishes or vacuum..they get up and do it. He's sees that and says you make it look so easy. Its just my kids no the consequences..But how I lay down the law in my house..is what works for my house...he needs to do what is best for his house..
I'm sorry for my ignorance-- does "paddle" mean "spank?" I can't knock you! I'm "permissive" as in catering to my kids for some things more than other parents, as long as my kids are clean- they wear what they want etc... However- we have HIGH expectations for respect, personal space, education is what I can think of. I like manners- please, thank you, don't interrupt, wait patiently, etc. I don't think "mam" and "sir" is necessary. Lots of stuff is cultural, more specific to family dynamics. My SIL is from the deep south and disciplines her dog by saying "NO MAM!". Awkward for a midwesterner like myself. My motto is: parent and let parent. We do what's right for US!
Yes I agree..but when the parent is parenting and isn't working..something has to change..the parent is the parent and not the child..
I think that ensuring the kids know the rules before they cross the line is important.
We are very strict on enforcing those rules. (We paddle) (yes I know most of you disagree)
By this I mean that when a kid gets punished, really they shlould already know that what they did broke the rules.
We have sat down from time to time as a family and written out the rules and talked about them. That way there is no claims of misunderstanding.
I think also the kids need to know that you are in control of yourself and the family. When a parent is angry then that is no time for punishing.
Permissive is an interesting word. Some people would say that in some things we are permissive - for example letting our kids roam unsupervised. In other areas they would say we were overly strict - clothing, food, showing respect and good maners.
I believe in paddling if necessary...a swat wont hurt the child..
Permissive parenting is a parent who has trouble setting rules..
Yes the parent is the one who should be in control...that I strongly believe in.
We have high expectations for our children to behave well. Our approach is to tell them the desired behavior and give them a warning of the consequence to come. If they choose to be defiant, there is a consequence that is always enforced. I tend to be more stern than my husband in terms of my style. By stern I mean I will use a more stern or slightly raised voice, or give them a more severe "mom look" (basically a disapproving scowl - which is sometimes all it takes). My husband is gentler in his approach, but still consistent. We also always take the time to talk about the situation, with the goal being for our children to learn from the discipline. We have never used corporal punishment. I personally don't believe in it, but my husband has said he would give a swat on the bottom if he felt it was necessary (although he never has).
On the flip side, we are very warm, loving, positive and affectionate overall.
I believe in paddling if necessary...a swat wont hurt the child..
Permissive parenting is a parent who has trouble setting rules..
Yes the parent is the one who should be in control...that I strongly believe in.
I think you can set rules without spanking. But I'm not necessarily against a swat on the butt if that's what a particular kid needs to get his attention.
Both my older girls have children. One spanks; one has that patient, first-grade-teacherish tone. (She's skeery.) All the grands are polite, well behaved, and well-adjusted, and I suspect both my girls are better parents than I am most of the time. I'm pretty much average, with occasional flashes of brilliance and a moment of two of "OMG, did that really come out of my mouth?"
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