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Before i had my daughter EVERYONE even his own parents were telling him to sign over his rights but he wouldnt. He pays child support but im on assistance so i dont get any of it because my assistance is more than what i would get with child support.
Do you think he might now? If your husband is going to be the real support, maybe the ex-boyfriend would just as soon keep his money. It's interesting how he just showed back up in the picture to keep you from leaving with your husband - when he never was one himself.
Do you think he might now? If your husband is going to be the real support, maybe the ex-boyfriend would just as soon keep his money. It's interesting how he just showed back up in the picture to keep you from leaving with your husband - when he never was one himself.
my husband even asked him to because he wants to adopt her and he said no very nicely but called me cursing saying he doesnt like nor want another man taking care of his child anymore. When the mediator asked my ex why did he want to come back now all he said was it wasnt my fault. I have no clue what that meant because it sure wasnt my fault.
Can you arrange for either him to come to TX or you/daughter going to MI for a long weekend once a month. The ticket price would be more for you to fly back (two tickets) but you could stay with family, so no lodging fees. Him going to TX would only be one ticket, but lodging would be needed, and I assume it would be strained for him to stay with you.
Also arrange for a skype between daughter/father a few times a week. Yes, a few times a week is much, but with 3 y/o attention span is short. It would be more beneficial to the child/father relationship to have 2-3 skype sessions that last 15-20 minutes rather than 1 session for an hour a week.
Dont make your plan to impress the judge. If you make your plan with the intention of facilitating th relationship between child/father, the judge will see your intent.
Yopur child's father may have walked away and not been there for the last 3 years. He may continue to be a ghost in his daughters life... appearing and disappearing. The cold hard truth is that this is her father. She will want to know him, even if it is in bits and pieces. She will crave the bond between him and her. She will wonder what she did wrong so that her father doesn't want to be in her life. She will blame you for cutting him out. He will become the 'fantasy' parent who would let her do all the fun things you say no to, would not make her do chores... etc. The best way to contradict that fantasy image in the child is to encourage the relationship so that the child can know the other parent. In this case, know her father as he is, not the fantasy she will create in her mind. Yes, there is a stepfather and it is wonderful if he has a good relationship with her, but he is not her blood... he is not where she came from. She will wonder, she will throw it up when she gets angry, she will know that somewhere there is a man who has a biological connection to her and she will want to know him.
*I am a child whose father chose to be inactive in my life. My mother facilitated our relationship, but he was unable to uphold his end. As a child, I wondered what I did wrong, what was so bad about me that he didn't love me. As an adult, I know that he just isn't emotionally capapble of being a father. But deep inside me there is that dream, that desire to be a daddy's girl... I have laid eyes on my father once in the last 18 years.... if he would show up at my door, I would be the eager to please little girl who was willing to take whatever crumbs of his love he decides to throw my way.
I posted the previous paragraph to help you understand that cutting this man out of your child's life is not in her best interest. I understand he is not described as Dad of the year material, but he is her father... warts and all and she deserves to know him for who he is... and to love him for who he is. To love him is not to accept his behavior. I love my father, deeply, but I do not like him too much.
no i am never nor will i ever cut him out because of the reason you stated below. Its not up to me on him being in her life or not it was all his choice my number nor location never changed until we got in this situation and we want to relocate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rockinmomma
Can you arrange for either him to come to TX or you/daughter going to MI for a long weekend once a month. The ticket price would be more for you to fly back (two tickets) but you could stay with family, so no lodging fees. Him going to TX would only be one ticket, but lodging would be needed, and I assume it would be strained for him to stay with you.
Also arrange for a skype between daughter/father a few times a week. Yes, a few times a week is much, but with 3 y/o attention span is short. It would be more beneficial to the child/father relationship to have 2-3 skype sessions that last 15-20 minutes rather than 1 session for an hour a week.
Dont make your plan to impress the judge. If you make your plan with the intention of facilitating th relationship between child/father, the judge will see your intent.
Yopur child's father may have walked away and not been there for the last 3 years. He may continue to be a ghost in his daughters life... appearing and disappearing. The cold hard truth is that this is her father. She will want to know him, even if it is in bits and pieces. She will crave the bond between him and her. She will wonder what she did wrong so that her father doesn't want to be in her life. She will blame you for cutting him out. He will become the 'fantasy' parent who would let her do all the fun things you say no to, would not make her do chores... etc. The best way to contradict that fantasy image in the child is to encourage the relationship so that the child can know the other parent. In this case, know her father as he is, not the fantasy she will create in her mind. Yes, there is a stepfather and it is wonderful if he has a good relationship with her, but he is not her blood... he is not where she came from. She will wonder, she will throw it up when she gets angry, she will know that somewhere there is a man who has a biological connection to her and she will want to know him.
*I am a child whose father chose to be inactive in my life. My mother facilitated our relationship, but he was unable to uphold his end. As a child, I wondered what I did wrong, what was so bad about me that he didn't love me. As an adult, I know that he just isn't emotionally capapble of being a father. But deep inside me there is that dream, that desire to be a daddy's girl... I have laid eyes on my father once in the last 18 years.... if he would show up at my door, I would be the eager to please little girl who was willing to take whatever crumbs of his love he decides to throw my way.
I posted the previous paragraph to help you understand that cutting this man out of your child's life is not in her best interest. I understand he is not described as Dad of the year material, but he is her father... warts and all and she deserves to know him for who he is... and to love him for who he is. To love him is not to accept his behavior. I love my father, deeply, but I do not like him too much.
Can you arrange for either him to come to TX or you/daughter going to MI for a long weekend once a month. The ticket price would be more for you to fly back (two tickets) but you could stay with family, so no lodging fees. Him going to TX would only be one ticket, but lodging would be needed, and I assume it would be strained for him to stay with you.
Also arrange for a skype between daughter/father a few times a week. Yes, a few times a week is much, but with 3 y/o attention span is short. It would be more beneficial to the child/father relationship to have 2-3 skype sessions that last 15-20 minutes rather than 1 session for an hour a week.
Dont make your plan to impress the judge. If you make your plan with the intention of facilitating th relationship between child/father, the judge will see your intent.
Yopur child's father may have walked away and not been there for the last 3 years. He may continue to be a ghost in his daughters life... appearing and disappearing. The cold hard truth is that this is her father. She will want to know him, even if it is in bits and pieces. She will crave the bond between him and her. She will wonder what she did wrong so that her father doesn't want to be in her life. She will blame you for cutting him out. He will become the 'fantasy' parent who would let her do all the fun things you say no to, would not make her do chores... etc. The best way to contradict that fantasy image in the child is to encourage the relationship so that the child can know the other parent. In this case, know her father as he is, not the fantasy she will create in her mind. Yes, there is a stepfather and it is wonderful if he has a good relationship with her, but he is not her blood... he is not where she came from. She will wonder, she will throw it up when she gets angry, she will know that somewhere there is a man who has a biological connection to her and she will want to know him.
*I am a child whose father chose to be inactive in my life. My mother facilitated our relationship, but he was unable to uphold his end. As a child, I wondered what I did wrong, what was so bad about me that he didn't love me. As an adult, I know that he just isn't emotionally capapble of being a father. But deep inside me there is that dream, that desire to be a daddy's girl... I have laid eyes on my father once in the last 18 years.... if he would show up at my door, I would be the eager to please little girl who was willing to take whatever crumbs of his love he decides to throw my way.
I posted the previous paragraph to help you understand that cutting this man out of your child's life is not in her best interest. I understand he is not described as Dad of the year material, but he is her father... warts and all and she deserves to know him for who he is... and to love him for who he is. To love him is not to accept his behavior. I love my father, deeply, but I do not like him too much.
Good post -- but it depends on the ex-boyfriend/biological father's real motives.
Did his parental instincts just suddenly kick in? Or is this about control? He can keep his ex-girlfriend from leaving with her husband, keep her from having a life.
Or did suddenly he decide he wants nothing more than to be a father after another man came into the picture? A kind of jealousy but not true father-love if he didn't care about the little girl until then. He didn't love his own child enough to marry or stick around earlier when he had the chance, but now that another man is in the picture, he suddenly feels like a parent?
It would be hard for the new husband to have to give up career opportunities because some old boyfriend has a way to keep hold.
After saying that though, I think parents should try to keep the other parent in the children's lives if there is any indication they care about the children.
Good post -- but it depends on the ex-boyfriend/biological father's real motives.
Did his parental instincts just suddenly kick in? Or is this about control? He can keep his ex-girlfriend from leaving with her husband, keep her from having a life.
Or did suddenly he decide he wants nothing more than to be a father after another man came into the picture? A kind of jealousy but not true father-love if he didn't care about the little girl until then. He didn't love his own child enough to marry or stick around earlier when he had the chance, but now that another man is in the picture, he suddenly feels like a parent?
It would be hard for the new husband to have to give up career opportunities because some old boyfriend has a way to keep hold.
After saying that though, I think parents should try to keep the other parent in the children's lives if there is any indication they care about the children.
If you read my suggestions, I am not advocating she not move. Moving is beneficial for her situation. I am saying offering suggestions for the plan to keep the connection between the father/daughter.
Irreguardless of the father's motives, the father should not be removed from the child unless there is harm to the child. I am not speaking for father's rights... I am speaking from the viewpoint of the child. There will come a time where she will question why. The mother needs to be able to look her child in the eye and honestly say, "I tried to keep the relationship between you and your father alive" The child can see what her parents are doing and not doing. She will eventually make the connection herslf by what actions she sees.
To the OP, Skype was mentioned in my post. It doesn't matter if the father sees it as an option. You are making a plan to keep the child/father connected with you moving away. Skype is a viable option. I'd put it in the plan and if the father rejects the idea, the judge will have the task of determining if he (the father) is being obstinate.
Rockinmomma is right on point. No matter how big a jerk the dad may be, the child will have to learn that painful truth on her own. If it appears that mom may have kept dad away, the child will blame mom, simply because mom is there to blame, and dad is only a fantasy, an image of the better parent in her own mind.
To the OP, regardless of your ex's motives, I think you should bend over backwards to give him the opportunity to be in his child's life. His motives will become clear eventually. Either he will do everything he can do see his daughter, or he will continue to be difficult and uncompromising, thus giving the judge a clear view of his reasoning. I know it must be infuriating that he disappeared before your baby was even born, only to reappear when you both have moved on with your lives. But one day, it will help for you to be able to tell your daughter that you did everything you could do for her father to be there for her, and your daughter can put the blame with the appropriate person.
Is he opposed to Skype altogether or only opposed to Skype in the context that it would be used as a substitute for his real-life time with his daughter? If, for example, you offered to pay for your daughter's airfare home to Michigan one weekend per month (or reduce his child support by that amount), plus the split holidays and for 6 weeks every summer, plus offered to facilitate Skype conversations twice per week for twenty minutes each, I wonder if he would agree to that? At the very least, this might very well make it clear to the judge that you were willing to bend over backwards to make sure your daughter had a relationship with him, since the move is your idea.
I think the move could wind up being advantageous for your family in the long run, and sounds like a good plan, but I think if you want to maximize your chances of the judge agreeing, you need to show how you're placing a high value on your daughter's father remaining a part of her life. Saying, "Oh, he can have a month in the summers and every other school vacation," when the father is wanting shared custody or two weeks out of every month may backfire and make you look petty, like you place no value of having her father in her life. Right now, it appears you are trying to throw him scraps, rather than being the one who puts the child first and tries to do what is best for her. Regardless of what his motivations actually are, you must understand how compelling it looks for him to be pleading desperately for more contact with his daughter while you want to rip her away and think he deserves nothing more than a few school vacations per year.
I think you have a far greater chance of getting the judge to agree to what you're proposing if the proposal looks like, "I am a selfless, reasonable woman who wants what is best for her child. I understand what is best for my child is to put my personal feelings aside and make sure I nurture a relationship between her and her father to whatever extent he's willing to be involved." Right now, I hate to say it, but it looks (not saying this is really how you feel, but it's how it comes across to an outsider) like a lot of this is motivated out of resentment towards your ex and the wish that you could erase him from your daughter's life and shove him out of the way so new-husband can take his place. That's the last thing you want the judge to pick up on. You made the decision to make this man your daughter's father. She shouldn't be the one to suffer for that.
Last edited by h886; 08-13-2011 at 12:18 PM..
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