Parents, what are your dating rules, and other questions (minors, child, 17 year old)
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I think one big difference is that more girls are victims of "date rape" than boys are.
I think it's a very good idea for a boy to get permission from a parent to date the daughter and for the parent to go over some basic rules, like what time he must bring her back home, in what condition she must be when she's brought home.
Also it's a good idea to go over a few common sense rules such as he is not to leave her alone at any time, not to leave an opened soft drink where someone can put something in it, in a club if they aren't going as a group, he should escort her to the bathroom and wait outside it, unless it's a very well-chaperoned kind of event and place.
We require any boy who wishes to date our daughter to ask our permission. It builds links with us, lets us know what he is like. The more connected he is, the more responsible he will be. It helps her to also learn that she is part of a family.
My 15-year-old doesn't go places where I have to worry about 200-lb drunks endangering her life. I don't let her that far out into the world yet.
Another rule I have--well, it's not so much a rule as a promise that her father and I made to her--is that no matter where she is, no matter what she is doing or whom she is with, she can always call us if she needs to get home. We told that we couldn't promise to not ever get mad, but we would put that aside if she needed us to come get her, and we would deal with that later. I don't ever want my kids to find themselves in a bad situation and not call for help because they were afraid of what we would say. I don't want her getting in the car with someone who's been drinking because it's late and she doesn't want to ask us to drive her home, or stay somewhere she is uncomfortable because she doesn't want us to know she is there. Teenagers can get themselves into predicaments, and she knows that she always has a way out.
Me and my mom have this too, she's always told me I my friends or date are being idiots or I dont feel right, regardless of where I am and when I'm there to ways call her or Vanessa (super close family friend). And we'd deL with whatever I wasn't suppose to do but did anyway in the morning. For that night just until the morning it'd be a "don't ask don't tell" situation.
Me and my mom have this too, she's always told me I my friends or date are being idiots or I dont feel right, regardless of where I am and when I'm there to ways call her or Vanessa (super close family friend). And we'd deL with whatever I wasn't suppose to do but did anyway in the morning. For that night just until the morning it'd be a "don't ask don't tell" situation.
We haven't had to use it yet, but I'm glad it's there. I think waiting until later to deal with it will help us cool off too. You know, like counting to 10.
Me and my mom have this too, she's always told me I my friends or date are being idiots or I dont feel right, regardless of where I am and when I'm there to ways call her or Vanessa (super close family friend). And we'd deL with whatever I wasn't suppose to do but did anyway in the morning. For that night just until the morning it'd be a "don't ask don't tell" situation.
We have always had the same rule and have always given our children an "escape claus". With the exception of our son, who's in the military, all of our children, even the adult ones, STILL have this safety net. CALL! It doesn't matter what time or where you are...you call! We will be there for you.
We also set up an understanding with our kids for when they at others' houses as well. If the group or individual is trying to get you to do something that you A) Know is wrong B) You feel uncomfortable with C) Are afraid we will disapprove of, call home with an excuse and ask for a ride home.....no questions asked. Call and say you feel like you're going to throw up. Say you have cramps. Pretend you got a phone call from home and you need to come home.....anything. Our home was and is, Home Base....Safe Zone. You call and we'll bring you to safety.
We have had to use this. In one situation, DD was invited to a camp out/slumber party. We were assured that there would be 3 other parents in attendance and 9 girls. Well.....one of the little girls brought pot. One of them brought cigarettes. Two of the girls each had a bottle of wine in their backpacks. NO other parents were there chaperoning!!! Niiiiice! DD called me about 30 min after the "organizer" went to bed. The group of girls decided they were going to pack their pot, cigs & wine and head down to the beach, where a couple of them had arranged to meet some boys. Yeah, said she was really sick, felt like she was going to throw up and had stomach cramps, felt like she was going to have diarrhea.....that she REALLY needed to call her parents to come pick her up. I was there in a heartbeat and the poor thing was crying and apologizing for lying to me, on the way home...but she just COULDN'T stay there and she was SO worried that something would happen to one of the girls. Ummmm they got busted, so good call Mel's daughter!! LOL
I always knew my parents would come get me and I wouldn't get in trouble. We raised our children the same way. I think it's very important for children to feel safe enough to reach out to their parents.
But I also loved that my parents taught us how to handle things on our own to prepare us for those times in our future when nobody could come and get us. The reality is that parents die, children move too far away, sometimes spouses on are business trips, etc. It's important for people to learn how to be self reliant. That's not something parents should postpone teaching teens since there's no guarnatee we'll be here for our children tomorrow.
This is so sad. You're failing to realize that the date himself is the greatest risk to your daughters.
You have white knight syndrome---the need to be viewed as the protector and savior of weak little women. But that isn't going to help your daughters when they no longer live with you. You're doing your daughters a disservice by instilling a weak victim mentality into them.
Threatening dates and making them accountable to you is worthless! You need to teach your daughters now how to manage when you are no longer around. You're not going to live forever! Your view is so short sighted!
You're concerned less about your daughters and more about about your own self importance. It's all about you, you, you. It's all about macho men, men, men.
Sure, men are important in women's lives, but women should know how to take care of themselves. Part of protecting themselves is not putting themselves into a position where they have to match physical strength. And knowing what to do if they are.
It's foolish of you to teach them that they are weak and need a man for protection. You're setting them up to be potential victims of domestic abuse later in life. It's such a shame that your need to feel manly is defining your daughters as weak.
Wow. This is an arrogant and presumptuous post. Not really worthy of a response. Moderator cut: snip
Last edited by JustJulia; 11-01-2011 at 04:16 PM..
I would hate that.
Not that whole parents having rules things but being escorted to the bathroom and waited on while I was in here or not being left alone at any time. I don't need a man that clingy and supervising. That would be ridiculous.
Geez. He said if they aren't going to the restroom as a group. Every reasonable young person knows that when a woman is at a club she never goes to the restroom alone.
It is possible to date, care for someone, etc and know you are never going to marry them. The idea that we date just to find someone to marry is weird to me.
The post I was quoting is below. I would assume that "would never bring home" and "just about having some fun" implied lack of certain strings. I can't imagine there being strings with anyone I would refuse to allow to meet my family. (While I did make reference to not having met SIL before he became SIL, that had everything to do with the whims of Uncle Sam, not any specific design on the part of any parties involved.)
Perhaps we are defining "no strings attached" differently.
Quote:
Wow, some of the best times I had in college involved dating a boy or two I would never bring home and were not remotely marriage material. One was in a band ::sigh:: and had long hair. The other had a motorcycle. OTOH my parents trusted my judgment and didn't assume I had no idea how to tell if a boy was respectful or not.
Sometimes dating is just about having some harmless fun and not about lining up your soul mate.
Me and my mom have this too, she's always told me I my friends or date are being idiots or I dont feel right, regardless of where I am and when I'm there to ways call her or Vanessa (super close family friend). And we'd deL with whatever I wasn't suppose to do but did anyway in the morning. For that night just until the morning it'd be a "don't ask don't tell" situation.
Eldest invoked this twice. It saved a tremendous amount of head/heartache on everyone's part.
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We haven't had to use it yet, but I'm glad it's there. I think waiting until later to deal with it will help us cool off too. You know, like counting to 10.
