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I had that diagnosis with one of mine, and was equally floored when the teachers mentioned he didn't talk at all at school. It actually took me several years to catch on, as I just thought he was "shy" the first few teachers that mentioned it. It took one teacher to really set me aside and say, no... really, he DOESN'T say a THING!, for me to realize the extent of it. It was hard to comprehend, as he talked my ear off. And playdates were fine, he would talk whenever he was around me. It was only when separated from me or his Dad that he would just not utter a word. Not even an answer to a direct question.
Its a form of anxiety. He eventually talked in the classroom, but still very limited. He still has major anxiety issues, but they seem to manifest themselves in different ways now. When he's around his friends or family, you would never have known, that was his comfort level.
I do think diagnosis are important, as it explains other things that might be happening, and gives you some tools in adjusting the child better. Without us knowing, we could have forced him into verbalization, which would have been detrimental to him.
Ok, first, not every little thing a kid does needs to have a "diagnosis". Kids act differently in school then they do at home, period. I think parents would be very surprised at how different their children are at school.
At our first parent/teacher conference for our daughter when she was in kindergarten her teacher had the same concern, she didn't talk in school. This is the same girl where we would sometimes have to set a timer at home and tell her she couldn't talk until it went off, the same girl that talked NON-STOP on a 3 hour car ride. We came home from that conference, told her she needs to talk more in school, hasn't been a problem since. She is now a junior in high school and does just fine--and still talks your ear off at home. Some kids are just shy in school. I would not worry about it at all.
Yes, one of my kids absolutely did not talk at school until third grade. He didn't talk all that much at home but could talk. He made a statement to me when he was in first grade and being coaxed to talk with the coach who he liked that he would talk at school in third grade and he stuck to it. They sent him to speech therapy but the therapist became exasperated because he wouldn't talk at all and so she could not even evaluate him.
He never disliked going to school, his grades were fine, he had no behavior problems of any kind except the refusing to talk. He didn't care if people asked him if he could talk, it was probably something that became his special quality. In second grade the other kids would protect him and inform the teachers that he didn't like to talk so he wouldn't be bothered by the teachers trying to make him talk.
He's 16 and doing fine, probably a bit on the shy side still at school but he's got friends, he mostly likes to sit and observe others. Even at home he didn't talk until he was over 3 years of age but he was obviously fine as far as mental development.
I think the only diagnosis to make is to realize that some people are more introverted and silent types.
OP here. Thanks so much for all the replies. Definitely saw a some of my little guy in a lot of the stories other parents told, but always with some glaring exception (like not talking away from Mom and Dad - my son talks no matter who's around or not, just not in his current classroom).
I tried talking to him about it, making sure he knew nothing he said was wrong and that he was funny and smart. I also made a point to make sure I was fully engaged when he was speaking to me (not stirring a pot, glancing at email, or motioning to someone else in the house).
He's responded by talking even more everywhere. I didn't think it was possible, but by golly he's doing it. At school, he's taken to talking to more freely with one boy in his class who is there early with him. Still not a lot to say to his teachers, but he's trying.
Now that I'm watching him more with this, I agree with those who said it's anxiety. I think he's terrified of being reprimanded by his teachers, who often don't understand what he's saying and may or may not be patient and kind in addressing his poor enunciation. I expect this to improve a lot with age (as it already has) and therapy.
Still don't know if I should pull him after either Thanksgiving or Winter vacation though.
My daughter (now 16) didn't talk to any adult at camp, school, friend's houses... until she was about 7 or 8. She smiled, giggled, had a great time and wanted to go back - just didn't talk. We waited it out and kept things low key and she came around on her own. It is selective mutisim and it is related to some anxiety, but I don't think it needs much attention, just a lot of patience.
I would NOT pull your child from his current setting. He is trying his hardest to get used to it all. He needs to muddle through this process and use it as a learning experience and confidence builder. Hang in there with him and keep an open dialogue with his teachers.
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