I am feeling about as low as ever (step-mom, bi-polar, custody)

[IamLost]

I have huge problems. I'm just going to spill my guts, so if I sound like I am rambling, I apologize in advance. I'll do my best to summarize without losing you.

I am a 40 year old (twice) married man. I have a daughter who is 13 from my previous marriage, and a 3 year old from my current marriage.

At this time, I have zero issues with my 3 year old. She is the perfect toddler.

My problems are with my 13 year old, my wife, my mother, and my health.

My 13 year old is in trouble. She is like a spelunker without a candle. Everyday, she goes deeper and deeper into the cavern of life, with no sign of ever coming out. When she was born, my wife at the time was never there. She liked to run, or simply hide from home as much as she could. I worked two jobs to help us make ends meet, which left my mother to care for my baby. This actually went on for most of her toddler life as well. My mother was essentially my daughter's mother.

I filed for divorce when my baby was 2 years old. Typical to tradition, the courts gave custody to my wife, even though she wanted nothing to do with the child. It was a disaster. Fortunately, the phone rang most of the time for us to keep her, because she wanted to be out whoring around. It was decided to try to fight her for full custody, as we felt her behavior could be proved detrimental to the child's well-being.

Wrong. The court once again gave full custody to her with visitation rights to me.

A year went by, and my ex was seeing a man, secretly. She would never tell me, nor the court who this man was, although everyone knew she was dating him. Long story short, this man ended up molesting my daughter at age 4. My daughter told us horrific details that no 4 year old could ever make up. I went straight to the police, the boyfriend disappeared for over 5 years. I went back to court, and were granted temporary full-custody. The police finally caught up with the man 5 years after, and after re-interviewing my daughter, decided the story didn't have any substance, and dismissed the charges.

I told my ex I had better NEVER see that man.

I remarried, and my new wife accepted my daughter in like her own. However, my mother didn't like the new arrangement, and it was obvious she felt threatened by my new wife's relationship with my daughter. Over the years, she has filled my daughters head full of so much crap, my daughter has no idea what's true and what is not. We had another baby girl in 2008, which gave my oldest a little sister. While she loves her little sister, the jealousy is obvious.

Last year, my ex died at the age of 38. It was said she had a double stroke, but I still think it was from a drug overdose. (She WAS bi-polar and didn't take her meds, but did illicit drugs). My daughter showed little feelings about her mother's death. She wasn't that close to her, although over the years, she attempted to establish some sort of relationship with her. It was just too far gone to matter.

Now, my oldest has reach her teenage years. She is in middle school, and is developing strong opinions of her own. She thinks she knows everything. Sounds like a normal teenager, right? The problem is, she is doing everything she can to break up my family, saying she hates my wife (her step-mom) and doesn't understand why I would choose my wife and 3 year old over her. I try to explain to her that it is not choosing, that I love all of them equally. It's not good enough. This is where my mother comes in again. She has told my daughter so many tales of this and that, that my oldest has formed a negative opinion of the way I parent. She has also suddenly began saying she will never do what my wife says, no matter what it is, she is not her mother. Again, typical teenage-speak. Not anything that hasn't been heard before.

My wife has had it with the blatant disrespect my oldest is showing. She has even given me an ultimatum of her or them. Now this is where my health comes in.

I have Crohn's Disease. It's bad enough trying to deal with it when things are peachy. Now, I have the extra burden of my family self-imploding from too much estrogen flowing in my home. It is causing flare-ups, which are affecting my job, my personal life, and my family activities. It seems like my entire life is swirling around in a giant toilet bowl, just waiting to be sucked into the void below. I am seeing anxiety and depression. Things I have NEVER had before. I have always been the mellow one. The mediator. Now, I feel like the gladiator.

Everyone around me says to get my oldest daughter counseling. While that would be the obvious first response, I disagree. First, I have to figure out how to get a grip on things in my immediate life. I need to get away from the things that are causing the problems in the first place. My mother to start with.

I have always been one to think counseling can only help those who want to be helped. If you go into the sessions with the attitude that they have no clue, then it's simply not going to work.

I have discusses trying to get her involved with a church youth group thinking that if she were around peers who held somewhat of a good standard and morals, she might see the light and come around. She holds no interest in attending any church functions.

Her grades are falling, just today she got into a fight at school and knocked some girl out.

I don't know what's going to happen next (I can only imagine).

There will obviously be questions, and there are many details I left out for the sake of time. But I am all ears.

I need help.

[peppermint]

First, I'm really sorry. It sounds like a nightmare.

Second, honestly, I think the entire family needs to go to counseling. Everyone needs the support and sounding board of a professional, licensed therapist. There are a whole lot of issues here that need to be addressed. I really don't think you're going "to figure out how to get a grip on things in [your] immediate life" without a disinterested perspective.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can find someone to help you through.

[Charles]

You sound in worse shape than she is.
Have you consulted with a mental health pro for your benefit?
There may be medications for you. A lot of guys like Wellbutrin and Lexapro together actually.

I'm glad she rejected your church suggestions.

[fallingwater]

Counseling works if you let it. You have two choices, either let things continue on as they are, watch them get worse and lose everyone OR try a different path. Counseling will help you sort out a lot of feelings you have pent up. You had a lousy ex wife that caused you years of grief. Now you have a meddling mother who views your first born as her own. Then add the mix of a new budding family. Counseling will help you sort out each issue at a time. I think your daughter would benefit from counseling as well. Middle school years can be a horror. If she is actually knocking kids out, you are looking at future legal problems to your current mixture. She has a rough go so far in life, help iron things out for her.

My own son got depressed in his middle school years. It was very disheartening. I didnt know what to do so I finally found a counselor. My son was pissed. He rarely talked and we went for months. His attitude started changing and even though I felt he wasn't doing much in counseling, he actually was listening and thinking about things. He is a different kid now, well the kid I always knew but somehow lost for a while there. He says he doesn't really know what his problem was and will say he wasn't that bad. It finally clicked that he must have been when his own friends started telling him he was different, more happy. I personally hated the counseling sessions but I did it because I wanted it to work.

[IamLost]

No, I have not seen a mental health pro.

I am taking Wellbutrin for my anxiety related to Crohn's.

I hate pharmaceuticals.

[IamLost]

It's really tough to find a counselor/therapist whom you can trust to not just be involved because it's all in a days work. The important part is to find someone whom my daughter can feel comfortable talking to, and might even respect the opinion of. I know that might be a shot in the dark, but I think it holds a lot of value in this circumstance.

[peppermint]

Originally Posted by IamLost

It's really tough to find a counselor/therapist whom you can trust to not just be involved because it's all in a days work. The important part is to find someone whom my daughter can feel comfortable talking to, and might even respect the opinion of. I know that might be a shot in the dark, but I think it holds a lot of value in this circumstance.

That's true. You have to do your homework, ask around. Try the C-D boards for your hometown. Someone may be able to help you find a therapist. Just a word on that though - do stick with a licensed professional. In our last town (in the south), ministers tried to pass themselves off as therapists. They aren't. Just stick with the pros. At least, that's my experience.

[js1mom]

First of all, I am sorry that you are going through so much difficulty at this time. I think it is important for you to know that I personally know another family in the almost identical boat as you except it was the 13 year old's father who recently, and unexpectedly, died. I also have a 13 year old myself who knows it all and "hates" me half the time lately... I was told by several different middle school personnel that this age/grade (8th) is the single most difficult for the kids themselves under even "normal" circumstances-- so imagine how hard it must be for your daughter right now. She is dealing with loss on several levels (her mother, and in her mind- her father to his "new" child AND to his new wife... She IS suffering.)

I would like to ask why you don't think your daughter could benefit from counseling? Not only do I think that she could certainly use some, but I think that ALL of you could benefit greatly if you could possibly swing it--- you, her, AND your wife, even your mother if she'd do it. Sometimes we get so caught up in our involvement in a situation that it becomes difficult to see anything clearly anymore and we need the unbiased advice of a professional counselor to help us see our way through it. Also, while many people will say, "it's just a phase" that your daughter is going through (and partly it is) who is to say that she doesn't have some very serious issues going on with her that if not addressed RIGHT NOW- may follow her for the rest of her life? Why take that chance with your daughter's well being? Why not PLEASE get some professional counseling for her at the very least? You cannot simply will, order, or even pray her into submission- it will never help. YOU have to be the voice of reason in all of this. You simply HAVE to be. Stop tying yourself up into knots inside by trying to appease, or ignore, everyone (whatever it is that you are doing) and get someone to help you see what your role in all of this NEEDS to be. You simply cannot succumb to your emotions right now. Your family needs you. Your daughter REALLY, REALLY needs you.

And your wife cannot possibly give you such an ultimatum at this time. That is just unconscionable to me. What- is she also going to dessert you both when the child you have together reaches puberty? YOU are your 13 year old daughter's only surviving parent. You owe it to her to be there for her no matter what. But being there for her means that you have to do what is BEST for her. Right now you need outside help to figure out just what is truly best for her. Once you figure that out- it should make life for all of you a little easier.

I could go on and on here with thoughts and advice, but ultimately- I know that this is not going to be an overnight or "easy" fix. I know that the best thing you can possibly do is get some counseling for your daughter at the very least. After all the poor child has been through in her short life- it's the very least you can, and MUST, do for her. Please put her immediate needs before yours, or any other adults, right now.

If I could say one more thing here---as far as church goes, why don't you ALL go as a family? Maybe your daughter will be more willing to go if the whole family goes. And frankly- a 13 year old does not get to tell you what she does and does not want to do when it comes to the big things. Your family's spiritual and emotional health is a BIG thing. Make her go, but make her go WITH YOU, Dad. Being the strong, loving, nurturing head of your family will be the biggest thing you can do for all of you. A good church and a caring support group can do wonders in helping you to become a source of strength and the voice of reason for your whole family. I will pray you for you tonight. I will pray for strength and guidance for you. I will pray that God will show you what He wants from you, and lead you where He needs for you to be. That you were wise enough to begin by seeking out help (even if just here for now with others who care about having strong relationships) when you knew that you were getting in over your head tells me that you are a proactive man who will do what needs to be done for your family. I think you will see that professional help is what you all really need most right now. The rest will come into place thereafter. Bless you and your entire family.

[js1mom]

Originally Posted by Charles

I'm glad she rejected your church suggestions.

I REALLY do not agree with that ^. Church is a good thing, a very positive influence on a troubled young mind. My daughter has recently started going to a youth group and it has been wonderful for her. So long as you don't join a "cult"--- you'll all benefit greatly from a little spiritual guidance right now in addition to the guidance of a mental health professional.

[IamLost]

I respect Charles' opinion, as well as yours, js1mom. I am not a religious person, however, I do know it does well for others. I am not out to take that away from anyone.