The adolescent brain, a work in progress well past age 18! (child, friend)
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You keep telling us how unhappy you are living with your mother.
Did you ever think that maybe once you move out SHE'LL be happier? Could one of the reasons she's unhappy be because she has a 22 year old ADULT daughter still living under HER roof? Many parents want to start living new lives once their children are grown. You are grown. Maybe SHE'LL be doing the happy dance the day you back the truck up to your house and load up your stuff.
I can hear her now. "One down and one to go! Woo-hoo!"
Realizing those kinds of things, BTW, is a sign that your brain is moving past its adolescent stage. A large part of ADULT thinking is realizing and considering other people's thoughts and wishes and dreams and knowing that life isn't all about YOU.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 12-05-2011 at 08:45 AM..
IMO, some people seem to forget that there are a wide variety of options between kicking a kid out at 18 with only the clothes on their back and wrapping them in bubble wrap so they're still living in your basement at 40. Again IMO, it is our job as parents to help our kids achieve independence in stages and what is considered appropriate levels of independence at different ages will vary by family, but like anything else, the groundwork for adult independence needs to be a lifelong endeavor that balances support and holding back to let the child do for themselves. It's not a perfect science.
Re: the research on the adolescent brain, I believe it is a mistake to interpret it as "treat people as children into their 20s" as much as it is a mistake to interpret it as "let them sink or swim at 18." The research doesn't imply either of these things.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 12-05-2011 at 09:30 AM..
I don't believe your utopia is as honest as you are depicting. Many times you contradict yourself. Here, you state you don't have grandkids, but then state your son is a "wonderful husband and dad". Unless, of course, you don't count your step children as yours and their children as your grandchildren. And if you don't, you can't really claim credit for how they turned out.
Trouble is, at 20, you are no longer a "kid".
Agree 100%
LOL, Yup, wrap them in cotton so they never get hurt.
I don't know why you have decided to personally attack me: I must have shaken your tree.
I have four stepkids and a biological son. I am not the biological grandmother of any grandchildren. They all have a grandmother on the paternal side, and she isn't me. I have done my best to fit in w/ what my stepchildren feel is my role and I am comfortable with what we have all worked out. I am grandfather's wife except to my one son (or if you must have it defined - stepson) whose kids DO feel comfortable about calling me grandmother, if you MUST KNOW. My biological son doesn't have any children.
I find your use of the term "claim credit" very odd, indeed. My stepson says we guided him well. That is all that matters to me - parenting is not a contest, for god's sake.
I never said I live in a utopia, but my world isn't Jerry Springer, either.
If you don't like my message - your business to reject it! It isn't necessary to get personal about it, tho.
If you don't think of your "kids" as "kids" at 20, your business! I do. That doesn't mean I "wrapped them in cotton." Your message is one of extremes. It doesn't have to be "either/or." You can be supportive without hovering, or at least I CAN. Maybe you can't so therefore don't have a concept of anything other than extremes in behavior or parenting style, i.e. "kick 'em out" or "indulge them."
Last edited by brokensky; 12-05-2011 at 10:20 AM..
IMO, some people seem to forget that there are a wide variety of options between kicking a kid out at 18 with only the clothes on their back and wrapping them in bubble wrap so they're still living in your basement at 40. Again IMO, it is our job as parents to help our kids achieve independence in stages and what is considered appropriate levels of independence at different ages will vary by family, but like anything else, the groundwork for adult independence needs to be a lifelong endeavor that balances support and holding back to let the child do for themselves. It's not a perfect science.
Re: the research on the adolescent brain, I believe it is a mistake to interpret it as "treat people as children into their 20s" as much as it is a mistake to interpret it as "let them sink or swim at 18." The research doesn't imply either of these things.
I don't believe your utopia is as honest as you are depicting. Many times you contradict yourself. Here, you state you don't have grandkids, but then state your son is a "wonderful husband and dad". Unless, of course, you don't count your step children as yours and their children as your grandchildren. And if you don't, you can't really claim credit for how they turned out.
Trouble is, at 20, you are no longer a "kid".
Agree 100%
LOL, Yup, wrap them in cotton so they never get hurt.
Just a serious question...do you normally post on forums where debating and arguing are the most common way of communicating your opinions?
You come across that way, so I'm just trying to understand
I am 50+ years old and I am STILL my mom's "kid".
The use of the term "kid" in this thread has just been to indicate the persons you gave birth to, not that we with adult children still think of our offspring as little kids.
You misread Ani's statement way back and are STILL trying to argue about what YOU misunderstood.
She has NOT contradicted herself on anything, nor has she claimed to live in a "family utopia".
She has simply shared her personal experience as a young person who was left to sink or swim on her own as an 18 year old, how she thinks her parents came to realize their mistake in taking such a hard line approach with her, and how this caused her to do things differently with her own family.
Please try harder to be less adversarial and more informational
I think somewhere between 18 and 23, a child should have learned the skills it takes to work, pay bills and survive, adulthood should not be delayed by many many years after age 18. If they go 4 years to college, they won't finish until age 22, but often kids have jobs and independence even while in college.
I agree
Like I said before, growing up is a process - it doesn't suddenly stop the day a young person turns 18. And teaching those life skills needs to start when kids are very young so that by the time they are young adults they do know how to survive.
But the latest evidence proves that the adolescent brain is still growing and becoming most efficient up to about age 25. Given that this is what is happening, parents just need to be aware of the needs their young adult kids still have for good mentoring and parental support (emotionally).
No good parent of an 18 year old thinks they're "all done" or that they've completed their jobs just because their child is now a "legal" adult
From the article: The first full series of scans of the developing adolescent brain...showed that our brains undergo a massive reorganization between our 12th and 25th years.
...as we move through adolescence, the brain undergoes extensive remodeling, resembling a network and wiring upgrade."
Like I said before, growing up is a process - it doesn't suddenly stop the day a young person turns 18. And teaching those life skills needs to start when kids are very young so that by the time they are young adults they do know how to survive.
But the latest evidence proves that the adolescent brain is still growing and becoming most efficient up to about age 25. Given that this is what is happening, parents just need to be aware of the needs their young adult kids still have for good mentoring and parental support (emotionally).
No good parent of an 18 year old thinks they're "all done" or that they've completed their jobs just because their child is now a "legal" adult
From the article: The first full series of scans of the developing adolescent brain...showed that our brains undergo a massive reorganization between our 12th and 25th years.
...as we move through adolescence, the brain undergoes extensive remodeling, resembling a network and wiring upgrade."
Yes, and parents generally know their own kids, they know which ones are tougher, which ones might be more fragile, which ones have emotionally grown up very fast, which ones are still not there but coming along fine - but in their own time. Brains can be quite different.
Some kids are very compatible with their parents and they all like living together, while others can't wait until they're off on their own. Sometimes there is a personality clash, sometimes there isn't.
Even if the child marries, it could just be that everyone gets along so well, they just prefer it that way. It's pretty much to the individuals involved how they want to do things. If they all want to stay living together even when the "kid" is 60 -- who cares.
Most kids want to leave the nest, even if they adore their parents, they just want to at some point go out and make it on their own or with their own spouse. It's a bittersweet moment for the parents when they leave.
And some will leave and come back again for a while or forever.
Yes, and parents generally know their own kids, they know which ones are tougher, which ones might be more fragile, which ones have emotionally grown up very fast, which ones are still not there but coming along fine - but in their own time. Brains can be quite different.
Some kids are very compatible with their parents and they all like living together, while others can't wait until they're off on their own. Sometimes there is a personality clash, sometimes there isn't.
Even if the child marries, it could just be that everyone gets along so well, they just prefer it that way. It's pretty much to the individuals involved how they want to do things. If they all want to stay living together even when the "kid" is 60 -- who cares.
Most kids want to leave the nest, even if they adore their parents, they just want to at some point go out and make it on their own or with their own spouse. It's a bittersweet moment for the parents when they leave.
And some will leave and come back again for a while or forever.
Although I am not the OP, I want to thank you for your gentle and loving way of putting the realities of having children and the difference outcomes that can occur. I don't understand why on some threads people are out for blood regarding non violent issues. We're not talking war, rape, adultery..we are talking about when children come of age and what occurs afterward which is an individual issue, not a universal one. Why people become so enraged so easily is beyond me...even with a stupid issue regarding waxing or not to wax!!!!
I also wanted to add that the OP did not have to further explain herself to the doubters, but she did anyway and give her a lot of credit for it. But, you can explain till you are blue in the face to some here, and they will come back as though they have wax in their ears.
Yes, and parents generally know their own kids, they know which ones are tougher, which ones might be more fragile, which ones have emotionally grown up very fast, which ones are still not there but coming along fine - but in their own time. Brains can be quite different.
Some kids are very compatible with their parents and they all like living together, while others can't wait until they're off on their own. Sometimes there is a personality clash, sometimes there isn't.
Even if the child marries, it could just be that everyone gets along so well, they just prefer it that way. It's pretty much to the individuals involved how they want to do things. If they all want to stay living together even when the "kid" is 60 -- who cares.
Most kids want to leave the nest, even if they adore their parents, they just want to at some point go out and make it on their own or with their own spouse. It's a bittersweet moment for the parents when they leave.
And some will leave and come back again for a while or forever.
That is so true.
The study on the teen brains produced general findings, but every individual is different.
I think the best parents recognize their young adults strengths and weaknesses and work to help them find a way to continue growing in a positive direction.
I also think this means being willing to give a kid a soft place to land, as Ani said earlier in the thread, if/when that is necessary
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