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Well I'm not gonna tell you if you should leave him or stay because, I dont know all the things you and him have been through are even if you two have been together that long but what I do know is that you should follow your gutt feeling. Right now you're questioning the situation which does not seem to suit you at this point in your life so the best info. is to listen to your heart.Only you know know whats best for you no matter what anyone tell you on here you will still do as you want just follow your heart while doing it and if your heart feels funny doing it then its wrong for you.I wish you the best.
listening to your heart is not always the best advice. immaturity does not know how to tell the difference between head speak and heart speak. If OP actually thought being the 18 year old girlfriend of an expectant father makes her a step mother, then OP does not have enough maturity or wisdom to even be faced with this kind of situation.
Speaking from experience (my daughter is dating a young man that has an infant)...
you will always be the enemy.
The baby-momma is going to hate your guts and do everything she can to keep the baby away from him if she knows you are anywhere around. Heaven forbid the mother of his baby hear you refer to yourself as or use the phrase "step-mom". She still has "ownership" over him by rights of the sperm he left with her 5 months ago... and that will go on for the rest of his life because he will always be the dad.
If your case is different... that is wonderful and perhaps his life won't be made a living hell everytime it's his turn to see his child.
Speaking from experience (my daughter is dating a young man that has an infant)...
you will always be the enemy.
The baby-momma is going to hate your guts and do everything she can to keep the baby away from him if she knows you are anywhere around. Heaven forbid the mother of his baby hear you refer to yourself as or use the phrase "step-mom". She still has "ownership" over him by rights of the sperm he left with her 5 months ago... and that will go on for the rest of his life because he will always be the dad.
If your case is different... that is wonderful and perhaps his life won't be made a living hell everytime it's his turn to see his child.
Good luck to you.
this is sooo true. And im speaking from experiance. My bf and I were first friends and eventually fell in love. When we fell "in love" his ex was 8 months pregnant with his son. She didnt know anything about me so that she wouldnt try to keep the baby away from him. Well that lasted all of 3 weeks and she found some of my hair (im a blonde) in the babys diaper bag after my bf took him home. Well needless to say she hated me blah blah blah. After time we have come to be on speaking terms and we are ok on some weird level but only because I have a baby by my bf now. But expect to be hated. Expect to be in physical fights (assuming you all are all the same age) expect for the child to hate you and at some point scream that your not their mom. Expect the dad to expect you to absorb it all and take it in stride.
If thats what you want and you honestly think he is worht it go for it. Im happy I did (though im a few years older)
I could not possibly agree more with 99% of these posters.
You are very young, you know the relationship with him, we don't, I get that.
But, really listen....I mean REALLY listen to what is being said to you. The reason it is being said to you is because we have experienced it or we have seen it happen.
What you have been told is accurate. In fact, it's dead on accurate.
If you want to stay and do it your way, come back in 8 months and tell us how it's going. I'd love for you to tell us how wrong we were but I don't think you'll be able to do that.
OMG... it's futile. There's no talking sense into an 18 year old.
What kind of gf would you be by not being involved? Is THAT what you're concerned about?
You don't get involved, as in you don't take any responsibility for the daily care of the baby. No baths, no meals, NOTHING. You can HELP him. Get the shampoo, soap, towel, toys and put them in the bathroom. HE does the actual bathing. At meals, HE prepares and feeds them, you can pour some milk into a cup. HE changes the diapers... you can help by pulling a diaper out of the package.
Here's what it comes down to (I'm assuming he's close to your age), he's thinking since you're the one with a uterus that you would "naturally" take care of all business with the baby and absolve him of all the grunt work.
Don't EVER babysit for him. You do it once, he'll expect it regularly. And quite frankly, you need to sit back and see just how much he participates in this baby's life. Let's not forget how it's not at all unusual for 2 single parents of a child to create an ugly situation.
DON'T GET INVOLVED.
WHO ARE YOU TO SAY YOUR NOT TALKING SENCE INTO ME?!?!?!?!?!?
Have you been in my situation before? Do you know what it feels like? Because if you havent i suggest you do one to put it nicely.
I apreciate the advice but thats all it is, ADVICE! And im thinking about what everyone has said on here, because like ive said ive never done this, and yes i am scared i am also understanding on his behalf. No i will not do all of the work he needs to do because as his/hers father he needs to take responsibility. He needs to be the one that feeds, clothes brings up his baby and he knows that.
Stop being so spiteful towards him. Jheeeze.
WHO ARE YOU TO SAY YOUR NOT TALKING SENCE INTO ME?!?!?!?!?!?
Have you been in my situation before? Do you know what it feels like? Because if you havent i suggest you do one to put it nicely.
I apreciate the advice but thats all it is, ADVICE! And im thinking about what everyone has said on here, because like ive said ive never done this, and yes i am scared i am also understanding on his behalf. No i will not do all of the work he needs to do because as his/hers father he needs to take responsibility. He needs to be the one that feeds, clothes brings up his baby and he knows that. Stop being so spiteful towards him. Jheeeze.
He is asking YOU to step up to the plate in a situation that YOU are not part of. The baby isn't even here yet and you aren't married and he's trying to guilt you into the role of "step mom". Sorry, but he's suspect right now.
Please come back in 10 months and prove us wrong. Tell us he's not having you change, dress, bathe, feed the baby when the baby is with him.
Seriously, just 5 months ago he thought enough of his ex to be sleeping with her. Now he's moved on to you and he's asking that you stand by him in this situation. Yeah, he's suspect right now. You don't see it because you're running on new relationship energy but this is a NEW RELATIONSHIP. One that is about to get very complicated.
You need to keep in mind that this baby will drain his finances and demand his time from the time it is born. If you two marry, you will never have the early child free years that most couples enjoy when they can really get to know each other (BTDT as I was a step mom at 19). His ex will be in the picture from here on out. She's the one he'll be dancing with at this baby's wedding when they have the parents of the bride/groom dance. Be prepared to take a back seat to her and the baby for the rest of your life. Remember that if you two stay together, your first child will not be his first child. She has the honor of being his first child's mother. It is this child's birth that will make him a father.
Are you prepared to put your future baby into day care sooner than you want to help him make his child support payments to her? You need to realize that because this baby exists, your options are limited. Whatever he pays in child support is money you won't have in your household finances and it may be the difference between you having a choice as to whether to work when you have kids and not. On the bright side though, I'm sure she'll toss some hand me downs your way...
BTDT, you will always be second. Whatever he gives to her, he will not have to give to you. Are you sure you're ready for this at the ripe old age of 18?
Seriously, step back. Let him take care of the baby and stay out of the situation with her. You just have to accept that they have a relationship and a child you are not part of. One thing you do not want to have happen is for this baby to bond with you (and you with it) and then the two of you break up and you never see the baby again. That type of abandonment scars children.
If I could go back in time and talk to my 19 year old self, I'd tell me what my mother told me after my wedding "It's not too late to tear up that marriage license". You have no idea what you are getting into. It's all romantic to you now (I know, BTDT at only a year older than you). I used to joke that I stuttered when I got married and said I do, I do, I do...Instant family, just add water....But you know what? I paid a heavy price. I would advise my own daughter to run if she were in your situation. Unless this man is your soul mate, and you have not indicated this is the case, don't you think life would be nicer if you were with someone who didn't have baggage? Someone you could spend a few years with just the two of you? Someone who will be just as excited about your first child because it will be his first child? Someone who isn't taking money out of your check book and food out of your children's mouths to feed another child and his mother? Someone who isn't tied to another woman for, at least, the next 18 years? I have to ask why are you settling for this? Don't you deserve more?
If I knew then what I know now, I would have listened to my mother. She knew what I was giving up. At 19, I was in love with the fairy tale. I just didn't realize that fairy tales are just in books. Reality bites.
Seriously, evaluate your motives for staying in this situation. Are you looking for recognition? Do you think he's going to stay with you if you help him? Do you think people will think you're special because of the situation? I assure you the day to day existence will be different from your current fantasy. It always is.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 11-26-2011 at 04:37 AM..
Then there is the possibility he may end up like so many sperm donors who take no responsibility for their children and you will have a picture of how he might eventually treat you and any children you may have with him.
Please be aware most posters on here are women who are much older than you and had more life experience and can see your future. We are just trying to help you avoid heartache down the line.
I would move heaven and earth to keep my 18 year old daughter from hooking up with a guy who is expecting a baby. Not because he is a bad scum bag but because his life is about to be forever altered and he is asking you to take that ride with him. You can do so much better for yourself.
I can't really add much at this point that has not already been said, but as someone who has been on the planet for a long time, believe me when I say that you should demand more for yourself at your age.
There is no reason for you to settle for some used guy with baggage, when you can pick from many other men who are not stupid enough to knock up someone they are not married to.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, that this guy is the one you are meant to be with forever. Even so, you should step back and not involve yourself in the current situation. Right now he is too embroiled in the ex-girlfriend/baby thing and all you will get from him is what is left over. Check back with him in a few years, if you are still available, and see if you still feel he is someone you want to be with.
He is asking YOU to step up to the plate in a situation that YOU are not part of. The baby isn't even here yet and you aren't married and he's trying to guilt you into the role of "step mom". Sorry, but he's suspect right now.
Please come back in 10 months and prove us wrong. Tell us he's not having you change, dress, bathe, feed the baby when the baby is with him.
Seriously, just 5 months ago he thought enough of his ex to be sleeping with her. Now he's moved on to you and he's asking that you stand by him in this situation. Yeah, he's suspect right now. You don't see it because you're running on new relationship energy but this is a NEW RELATIONSHIP. One that is about to get very complicated.
You need to keep in mind that this baby will drain his finances and demand his time from the time it is born. If you two marry, you will never have the early child free years that most couples enjoy when they can really get to know each other (BTDT as I was a step mom at 19). His ex will be in the picture from here on out. She's the one he'll be dancing with at this baby's wedding when they have the parents of the bride/groom dance. Be prepared to take a back seat to her and the baby for the rest of your life. Remember that if you two stay together, your first child will not be his first child. She has the honor of being his first child's mother. It is this child's birth that will make him a father.
Are you prepared to put your future baby into day care sooner than you want to help him make his child support payments to her? You need to realize that because this baby exists, your options are limited. Whatever he pays in child support is money you won't have in your household finances and it may be the difference between you having a choice as to whether to work when you have kids and not. On the bright side though, I'm sure she'll toss some hand me downs your way...
BTDT, you will always be second. Whatever he gives to her, he will not have to give to you. Are you sure you're ready for this at the ripe old age of 18?
Seriously, step back. Let him take care of the baby and stay out of the situation with her. You just have to accept that they have a relationship and a child you are not part of. One thing you do not want to have happen is for this baby to bond with you (and you with it) and then the two of you break up and you never see the baby again. That type of abandonment scars children.
If I could go back in time and talk to my 19 year old self, I'd tell me what my mother told me after my wedding "It's not too late to tear up that marriage license". You have no idea what you are getting into. It's all romantic to you now (I know, BTDT at only a year older than you). I used to joke that I stuttered when I got married and said I do, I do, I do...Instant family, just add water....But you know what? I paid a heavy price. I would advise my own daughter to run if she were in your situation. Unless this man is your soul mate, and you have not indicated this is the case, don't you think life would be nicer if you were with someone who didn't have baggage? Someone you could spend a few years with just the two of you? Someone who will be just as excited about your first child because it will be his first child? Someone who isn't taking money out of your check book and food out of your children's mouths to feed another child and his mother? Someone who isn't tied to another woman for, at least, the next 18 years? I have to ask why are you settling for this? Don't you deserve more?
If I knew then what I know now, I would have listened to my mother. She knew what I was giving up. At 19, I was in love with the fairy tale. I just didn't realize that fairy tales are just in books. Reality bites.
Seriously, evaluate your motives for staying in this situation. Are you looking for recognition? Do you think he's going to stay with you if you help him? Do you think people will think you're special because of the situation? I assure you the day to day existence will be different from your current fantasy. It always is.
This is the best, most heartfelt and sincere advice you are going to get, and I hope you read it carefully and pay attention. Most of the people here have lived long past 18 and have been where you are. I really wish someone would have told me what Ivorytickler just told you when I was in your situation.
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