Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm usually the one posting *answers* on these forums ... but when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm clueless. Please bear with me.
I've known my FSIL for several years. He and DD have been dating pretty steadily since freshman year at college, although they were high school friends before that. They are both ready to graduate and a wedding is planned for 2013.
I've always had a few doubts about him -- he is academically unmotivated and I don't think his future is that bright.
But it's his behavior that is alarming. He is very emotionally immature -- he is always *right* and is pathologically argumentative, as well as hypercritical. He also has trouble filtering his thoughts and I worry about his impulse control. (He has been diagnosed as mildly ADD; his father is profoundly ADD and still takes meds for it).
I've tried to be a good mom and stay out of it, because I thought the bottom line was that he made my DD happy. But lately I've noticed he picks at and criticizes her, in a disrespectful way. He also talks constantly about an old girlfriend. This girl is a close friend of my DDs and is married; they all still hang out together, so at first I didn't think too much about it -- it's normal to talk about friends, right? But it seems as if he is comparing my DD with the old girlfriend -- unfavorably. ???
I've tried to talk to my DD about it, she won't listen and gets belligerent with me whenever I try to help her see what I am seeing. She is loyal and tenacious and you would think that is good quality, but it's clouding her judgment. I think her self-esteem is fragile, too, for a lot of reasons.
Then there are his parents -- his father is just like him, if not worse. They also are cheapskates and have already refused outright to pay for the rehearsal dinner. DD wants me to just suck it up and pay for a rehearsal dinner along with everything else. Grrrrr ......
Any other mothers experiencing this? Is there anything I can do? (I realize probably not, but ti feels good to vent).
I hate to tell you this but as mothers we dont have much say in who our kids marry.. My son and his gf of 4 years FINALLY broke up for good a few months ago..Halleluja!!
For 4 years I had to be fake and pretend that I liked her..but thank God not anymore!
She was the laziest thing, did nothing except sit around complaining..She was physically beautiful..stunning but not once in FOUR years did she lift a finger --she ate most meals at my house..
The good news is, a lot can happen by 2013! I would think that it would do you best to try to keep your feelings about him to yourself. You obviously have seen that she will not listen. Just hope and pray that if she is very honest with herself, she will start to see his downside and his faults. I hope you do not get stuck paying for this wedding. It sounds like it wouldn't last long. Good luck, sorry you have to deal with this.
Ultimately parents can give their opinions on significant others, but they cannot control who their children marry. You have to be careful not to say too much about the guy because your daughter may take it as an attack and become defensive. If the guy is really as bad as you say maybe your daughter will come to her senses before the wedding.
I do think it is selfish of your daughter to think you should just pick up the tab for the wedding if her boyfriend's family refuses to contribute. Instead of blindly agreeing to pay for everything, why not give a set amount of money? That way you have a firm limit so you don't break your bank, and your daughter and future SIL can budget the money. Maybe when they don't have the funds they can cut back or speak to the SIL's family again.
I made a pact with my kids that they would listen to their siblings if their siblings didn't like a prospective mate....and that I can pass word through their siblings. We will see if that works or not
OP, you are in a tough spot, you've said your peace, now you have to let your DD decide on her own....just don't say I told you so down the road.
Also, the parents not paying for the groom's dinner is irrelevant--I am not one that believes that parents HAVE to pay for anything for a wedding.
I'm not a mother in your situation, but I've been a daughter with boyfriends that probably made my own mother want to kill both of us. I will always appreciate how she handled it, which was by being courteous and nice to him when she saw him, and making very few unfavorable comments. If asked directly, she would tell the truth, but otherwise, she kept her opinion to herself. Later, she told me she knew I was smart enough to figure it out, and I didn't need to be lectured or counseled. And she was right.
If you are talking about the man that your daughter loves, of course she is going to get defensive. But when allowed to figure it out on her own, she'll get it. I know, as a parent, it is hard to sit back and watch your kids going down the wrong path, but once they are grown, sometimes that's just what you have to do.
Good luck! I'm sure if you raised your daughter right, she'll figure out that she deserves nothing but the best!
and your lovely daughter expects you to "suck it up and pay"? Well, you tell darling daughter (if you intend to pay for anything) how much money you intend to spend on this wedding and she can figure out how to spend it. Then it's up to her as to whether or not she'll have a rehearsal dinner. You don't owe her a wedding. For a young woman taking such a serious step, she's sure acting like an immature brat.
As previous posters stated, be careful with what you say and hope something happens that they split up or he learns to behave.
Later, she told me she knew I was smart enough to figure it out, and I didn't need to be lectured or counseled. And [luckily] she was right. [But she could have been wrong.]
But when allowed to figure it out on her own, she'll get it.
How do you know?
Good luck! I'm sure if you raised your daughter right (and even if you didn't), [hopefully] she'll figure out that she deserves nothing but the best!
This is pie in the sky wishful thinking. If this was true, nobody would ever get divorced.
I'm usually the one posting *answers* on these forums ... but when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm clueless. Please bear with me.
I've known my FSIL for several years. He and DD have been dating pretty steadily since freshman year at college, although they were high school friends before that. They are both ready to graduate and a wedding is planned for 2013.
I've always had a few doubts about him -- he is academically unmotivated and I don't think his future is that bright.
But it's his behavior that is alarming. He is very emotionally immature -- he is always *right* and is pathologically argumentative, as well as hypercritical. He also has trouble filtering his thoughts and I worry about his impulse control. (He has been diagnosed as mildly ADD; his father is profoundly ADD and still takes meds for it).
I've tried to be a good mom and stay out of it, because I thought the bottom line was that he made my DD happy. But lately I've noticed he picks at and criticizes her, in a disrespectful way. He also talks constantly about an old girlfriend. This girl is a close friend of my DDs and is married; they all still hang out together, so at first I didn't think too much about it -- it's normal to talk about friends, right? But it seems as if he is comparing my DD with the old girlfriend -- unfavorably. ???
I've tried to talk to my DD about it, she won't listen and gets belligerent with me whenever I try to help her see what I am seeing. She is loyal and tenacious and you would think that is good quality, but it's clouding her judgment. I think her self-esteem is fragile, too, for a lot of reasons.
Then there are his parents -- his father is just like him, if not worse. They also are cheapskates and have already refused outright to pay for the rehearsal dinner. DD wants me to just suck it up and pay for a rehearsal dinner along with everything else. Grrrrr ......
Any other mothers experiencing this? Is there anything I can do? (I realize probably not, but ti feels good to vent).
I think you have a problem for which there is no solution. If I believed in luck I'd say "Good luck". You can only do your best to communicate your concerns. Perhaps you can get your daughter in a more neutral sitaution, one which she won't be so defensive and you can talk to her. Perhaps some stall tactics. ALso, 2013 is still a long time away. Perhaps you can keep working at it slowly but surely.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
