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I am sure suicide has been discussed and dissected on this forum in the past however this has personally touched my life as of yesterday.
So my b/f contacted me this morning and stated his best friend came to see him last night and was a mess, I ask why?
He stated, “He was a blubbering mess for 15 minutes and could not get the reason out” “So I allowed him to cry as I patted his back until he could speak”
So my b/f goes on to tell me that this man’s 12 year old daughter hung herself in the bathroom 2 days ago and her younger brother found her! I ask him the reason and he stated he did not know because he did not ask out of respect.
So today a good friend of mine posts a similar story on fb but not cause of death, a picture of the little girl and asks for prayers. I send her a text and she states the mother was a dear friend of hers so she did not want to state specifics but that the little girl hung herself because she was having issues “She was chubby and did not fit in at school”
This broke my heart as I have a soon to be 15 year old son. I shared this story with him and asked him “Can you tell me in your opinion why you think this 12 year old girl would hang herself?”
He stated “I dunno mom, drama? Some kids can’t handle life, to worried about what others think of them, I dunno?” I asked the hard question, “Would you ever do this? Would you come to me?” He replied, “Life is to short mom, to short to worry about how many people like you.” “And yes I would”
This has been a blow to the community..The first suicide in our city in a long time.
What causes some children to do this as others seem to let issues slide off of them?
Are some children more resilient due to parenting as others do not get enough?
I know I am a mother of a single child and I am very over protective and ask a lot of questions and am active in my sons life is this key?
However being a former “Family Partner” for the county mental health program I know that children can go undiagnosed for years until they reach adulthood however the onset is puberty as hormones trigger this? Could we be missing the signs of depression?
I am uncertain is there was bullying involved however I recall bullying occurring in my childhood and we only had 2 good friends kill themselves for non related issues.
Both suffering from undiagnosed depression.
I feel at this point taling to our kids even when they “seem” okay and hugging them and telling them how valuable they are has to count for something as well as advocating for them.
Very disenchanted at this point.
People can be evil to others, especially kids. It is ridiculous when things like this happen, I just wish there was a way for the other person to somehow pay the price. If this was a result of bullying, chances are this person will continue on and not think anything of this incident. It is sick.
There are also other reasons that could lead to it such as some sort of mental issue, but for someone of that age to do it... it is most likely a case of bullying.
I had a buddy of mine hang himself, one of the happiest guys you'd ever meet, got along with literally everybody, but I get he had some psychosis and other mental problems almost nobody knew about. It was really crazy, because he was probably one of the most liked guys in the area, had great parties etc etc. It's too bad when it happens.
People can be evil to others, especially kids. It is ridiculous when things like this happen, I just wish there was a way for the other person to somehow pay the price. If this was a result of bullying, chances are this person will continue on and not think anything of this incident. It is sick.
There are also other reasons that could lead to it such as some sort of mental issue, but for someone of that age to do it... it is most likely a case of bullying.
I had a buddy of mine hang himself, one of the happiest guys you'd ever meet, got along with literally everybody, but I get he had some psychosis and other mental problems almost nobody knew about. It was really crazy, because he was probably one of the most liked guys in the area, had great parties etc etc. It's too bad when it happens.
Exactly...I feel so much for the loss for the parents as well as the loss of life from such a young child.
Bullying? Awful..cyber bullying..even worse..
However why is it that some kids get over the bullying while others take it to heart and take their little lives?
Is it parents whom do not teach them value of life? Or watch the hard to watch documentaries of children taking their lives and how this is not the way to go..what they are missing? How you let others win and control you? How do we effectively take control of the things we can control?
And I am sorry for your loss, my friends I spoke of were loved but as I stated suffered mental illness and this was back in the 80's early 90's when mental illness was still new..
Exactly...I feel so much for the loss for the parents as well as the loss of life from such a young child.
Bullying? Awful..cyber bullying..even worse..
However why is it that some kids get over the bullying while others take it to heart and take their little lives?
Is it parents whom do not teach them value of life? Or watch the hard to watch documentaries of children taking their lives and how this is not the way to go..what they are missing? How you let others win and control you? How do we effectively take control of the things we can control?
And I am sorry for your loss, my friends I spoke of were loved but as I stated suffered mental illness and this was back in the 80's early 90's when mental illness was still new..
Well, in my opinion.. I think a bit of this lies with the parent. 99% of the time I will put nothing on the parent, but in this case I think it is the parents job to instill self confidence and pride in their kid. If they feel like things are going south, they should do their best to even over-inflate their egos. Bullying is usually about a confident person preying on a person who is perceived as weaker. The person who is sure of themselves and isn't afraid to fight back is much less likely to be picked on.
That being said, I can't assume anything from your boyfriend's part, it could have been a million of different causes.
Just make sure to always let your son know that he's the sh*t... even if he is one sometimes
Well, in my opinion.. I think a bit of this lies with the parent. 99% of the time I will put nothing on the parent, but in this case I think it is the parents job to instill self confidence and pride in their kid. If they feel like things are going south, they should do their best to even over-inflate their egos. Bullying is usually about a confident person preying on a person who is perceived as weaker. The person who is sure of themselves and isn't afraid to fight back is much less likely to be picked on.
That being said, I can't assume anything from your boyfriend's part, it could have been a million of different causes.
Just make sure to always let your son know that he's the sh*t... even if he is one sometimes
I could not disagree more.
People are going to do what they are going to do. I have had friends whose parenting style was almost textbook perfect, yet their seemingly perfect son shot himself in a closet because of a high-school break-up. NO ONE saw it coming, and there were no signs.
There are some things you cannot prevent. A crazy guy could walk into the grocery store today and shoot everyone in it. What could I do to stop that from happening, stay home?
And bullying usually is an INSECURE person taking out their frustrations on someone they perceive as weaker. A truly confident person knows they don't need to bring others down in order to lift themselves up.
Mental illness, of course, is not new. It is an ancient problem. One issue that is different today is media coverage. TV and print media can unwittingly glorify suicide just by how they portray it. The sympathetic narration of the story and poignant soft music that dramatizes it all make suicide seem like an attractive option to a young, hurting heart. It plays into the, "They'll be sorry when I'm gone" mentality of someone who feels powerless.
Parents need to TURN OFF the morning news shows that really are nothing more than FREAK SHOWS highlighting the worst of the worst relationships and conflicts because that's what attracts viewers.
Get to know your kid and learn about the people and conflicts in their lives. When someone you know commits suicide, be sympathetic to the loss, but emphasize how it is NOT a typical or acceptable option.
Don't parent from a place of fear. Just because you don't say or do the absolute right thing in the moment doesn't mean your child is going to hang themselves.
Parent from a place of LOVE and HOPE because that is what they need.
I am sure suicide has been discussed and dissected on this forum in the past however this has personally touched my life as of yesterday.
So my b/f contacted me this morning and stated his best friend came to see him last night and was a mess, I ask why?
He stated, “He was a blubbering mess for 15 minutes and could not get the reason out” “So I allowed him to cry as I patted his back until he could speak”
So my b/f goes on to tell me that this man’s 12 year old daughter hung herself in the bathroom 2 days ago and her younger brother found her! I ask him the reason and he stated he did not know because he did not ask out of respect.
So today a good friend of mine posts a similar story on fb but not cause of death, a picture of the little girl and asks for prayers. I send her a text and she states the mother was a dear friend of hers so she did not want to state specifics but that the little girl hung herself because she was having issues “She was chubby and did not fit in at school”
This broke my heart as I have a soon to be 15 year old son. I shared this story with him and asked him “Can you tell me in your opinion why you think this 12 year old girl would hang herself?”
He stated “I dunno mom, drama? Some kids can’t handle life, to worried about what others think of them, I dunno?” I asked the hard question, “Would you ever do this? Would you come to me?” He replied, “Life is to short mom, to short to worry about how many people like you.” “And yes I would”
This has been a blow to the community..The first suicide in our city in a long time.
What causes some children to do this as others seem to let issues slide off of them?
Are some children more resilient due to parenting as others do not get enough?
I know I am a mother of a single child and I am very over protective and ask a lot of questions and am active in my sons life is this key?
However being a former “Family Partner” for the county mental health program I know that children can go undiagnosed for years until they reach adulthood however the onset is puberty as hormones trigger this? Could we be missing the signs of depression?
I am uncertain is there was bullying involved however I recall bullying occurring in my childhood and we only had 2 good friends kill themselves for non related issues.
Both suffering from undiagnosed depression.
I feel at this point taling to our kids even when they “seem” okay and hugging them and telling them how valuable they are has to count for something as well as advocating for them.
Very disenchanted at this point.
I am so very sorry for your friends' losses. IMO, suicide is very difficult to deal with, especially when a young person takes his/her life. By profession, I was a behavior therapist for the chronically suicidal and those who self-injure, both adolescent and adult. I don't think you're going to like my answer, but I will try to address the questions in your post.
The reality is that suicide is hard to predict because it is a low base-rate behavior (I.e., doesn't occur frequently statistically speaking). Mental health professionals talk in terms of having risk factors and having protective factors, but someone with very few risk factors may take his/her own life and someone with every risk factor may not. It is rare for there to be a single cause;typically there are many with one "straw that broke the camel's back" leading to the act.
Risk factors can include mental illness (but the majority with mental illnesses will not attempt suicide), high levels of impulsivity, poor perceived social support (parental, peer or both) and anecdotally a sense of being trapped/confronted by seemingly insurmountable problems. Protective factors can include strong perceived social support, access to mental health treatment, restricting access to lethal means, strong problem solving/conflict resolution skills and cultural/religious beliefs about suicide. That being said, I have worked with people who believe suicide is morally wrong and still struggle with suicidality, so it's not enough to say if the person is religious and believes suicide is wrong that this will still his/her hand. CDC summary of risk/protective factors: CDC - Injury - Suicide Risk and Protective Factors
As for parenting style, shy of parents being abusive, there is no correlation. Conventional wisdom on addressing suicide with teens is to try to keep the window of communication open, to ask the exact questions you asked your son, validate what he/she is experiencing emotionally, and to be available to help him/her problem solve when stressors come up. Where it gets tricky is that for adolescents, parent support and peer support fulfill two different needs, so to speak.
I agree with the above poster, that we cannot parent out of fear. I think this is easier said than done, mainly because suicide is so hard to predict, and as a parent I can think of few harder things to endure than the idea of my child committing suicide. Absolutely hug your kids, let them know they are valued, be candid in asking about questions about suicide (it won't give them the idea and may open up a line of communication if something is going on), try to engage them in conversation about what's going on in their lives without judgment, let them know you will get them help if they ever need it, from you or from a therapist if they feel they can't talk to you for whatever reason. One way we talk about suicide is as a permanent solution to a temporary set of problems- in the moment, it can feel as if there are no answers, but if one can get past that moment, there usually are. It's important to hit on both of those points, because in the moment the person struggling with suicide needs to be told you understand where they are currently before they will believe you that things can get better. Decent summary of things to address if you think your teen is considering suicide: http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotion...t_Teen_Suicide
Hope any of this was helpful.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 03-16-2012 at 08:28 AM..
I think you should not have very high expectations for a child, because if a child has a lot of drive and ambition, the child will achieve on his/her own, but rather raise children with a lot of love and humor, some good dogs and other pets because there is no one like a dog that can give unconditional love. Let the child know you love him/her and the main goal in life is to find some happiness in the gift of life, the goal isn't money and wealth, nor a career that you think gives you bragging rights. And popularity is not important.
The home should always be a sanctuary so that no matter how bad the few hours a day are at school, home is something very different.
......but as I stated suffered mental illness and this was back in the 80's early 90's when mental illness was still new..
Mental illness was not new in the '80s and early '90s. The first hospital for mentally ill people in the US opened in 1772 in Virginia.
I have personally dealt with a family member and close friend who have struggled with mental illness. One of the things that strikes me as a risk factor for young people is that parents are often reluctant to admit that their child is sick. Since the parents do not want to admit that something is wrong with their child, the child goes untreated and sometimes tragedy ensues.
My son recently had a child expelled from his school because the child (16 years old) brought a knife to school. I thought this kid was mentally unstable years ago. His behavior has been alarming for a long time but his parents just refused to acknowledge that something was wrong. They lost friends because friends would tell them that their son needed to see a doctor and they thought he was just "quirky" and that nothing was wrong with him.
After a spat over a girl and some academic issues with a teacher (she had him moved from AP to an honors class) he threatened both the girl and the teacher. The next day he brought a big knife to school and told another kid that he was going to "teach them a lesson". That child told an adult right away and this boy was expelled from school.
Tragedy avoided, but the parents are still in denial. They say he made a mistake and refuse to have him see a doctor. The school administrators (private school) told the parents that they would consider taking him back next year if his treatment with a physician went well, but they refuse to have him treated. They do not think he is mentally ill. They think he is just confused. So of course, he will continue to live his life untreated.
I wonder if the parents of the suicide were in similar denial. I hope not. I would really like to see more parents accept that their children need treatment.
I think momma bear makes a great point. Although treatment is not a guarantee, a child will be more likely to talk to a parent if the parent communicates that dealing with suicidal thoughts is not an issue of character (I have heard people talk about suicide as character weakness, which is both inaccurate and unhelpful to the person struggling); it is a health issue. If multiple sources suggest treatment, an evaluation may be worth considering.
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