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Not sure which forum to put this in, Relationships seems to be about romantic relationships only. I hope this is the right one as my topic is about the relationship between children and parents to a certain extent.
I have the opportunity to emigrate to South America in the fall. Basically I would like to do that, one last big move in my life. However, at the weekend I was watching TV and there was a documentary on senior citizens here in Portugal, many of whom live totally alone, without anyone visiting them, not even their own children. It was really sad.
My mother is 64, my father 71. I don't really like my father for various reasons, but I like my mother. They both don't have many if any friends, they live kind of isolated already today. I am afraid that when my mother retires next year, it will get worse as my father has the tendency to drive people away.
So I was wondering if it is ok for me to move many thousand miles away to the other side of the Atlantic and kind of leave them alone in Europe. I am realistic, once over there I would hardly ever go to Europe anymore, one reason being that I simply couldn't afford such flights.
I already live almost 1500 miles away now, and haven't seen them in 7 years. I do chat with my mother on the messenger every other day or so, and I call them on their birthdays. That's it. Theoretically nothing would change if I moved to America as I would have Internet access and telephone there, too. However, my mother is a bit old-fashioned and already keeps asking when I will visit them again. I don't really want to physically visit them, it means nothing to me as I am the lonely rider kind of person and don't like physical closeness. On the other hand I feel pity for my mother as she has had a hard life and always supported me, even kind of sacrificed a part of her life for my brother and me. So I sometimes feel like I owe her something.
Perhaps you can get your mother an Ipad or a basic computer with access to internet so you can use a web-camera and see each other. Try to arrange for someone to come help with cooking, cleaning and perhaps provide company...they may already have a group of friends/neighbors that you can reach out to to check on them and give them your contact info in case of emergency.
Set up a budget and send your mom a plan ticket to come visit you instead of you going to visit her.
Perhaps you can get your mother an Ipad or a basic computer with access to internet so you can use a web-camera and see each other. Try to arrange for someone to come help with cooking, cleaning and perhaps provide company...they may already have a group of friends/neighbors that you can reach out to to check on them and give them your contact info in case of emergency.
Set up a budget and send your mom a plan ticket to come visit you instead of you going to visit her.
Yes, the webcam is a good idea. I already have a headset, but for some reason her computer does not work properly. My brother has looked into it and installed Windows on her computer from scratch, in vain. He said that maybe their provider blocks that kind of communication (Skype etc.). Only typing works on the messenger.
They will never come visit me, they don't speak any foreign languages and never went anywhere by plane in their lives. Nor do they have the money for such flights anyway.
I dont think that children owe their parents anything. As a parent I chose to have children and all the sacrifices that go along with it, and I enjoy it most days. A parent only wants to be appreciated and recognized for their sacrifices, which you seem to be doing. If the move will better your life now and in the future, and your relationship isnt going to change much, I think you need to do whats best for you, as its likely that is what your mother mother has been doing your entire life, whats best for you.
Just make sure that you preserve the relationship you have.
Not sure which forum to put this in, Relationships seems to be about romantic relationships only. I hope this is the right one as my topic is about the relationship between children and parents to a certain extent.
I have the opportunity to emigrate to South America in the fall. Basically I would like to do that, one last big move in my life. However, at the weekend I was watching TV and there was a documentary on senior citizens here in Portugal, many of whom live totally alone, without anyone visiting them, not even their own children. It was really sad.
My mother is 64, my father 71. I don't really like my father for various reasons, but I like my mother. They both don't have many if any friends, they live kind of isolated already today. I am afraid that when my mother retires next year, it will get worse as my father has the tendency to drive people away.
So I was wondering if it is ok for me to move many thousand miles away to the other side of the Atlantic and kind of leave them alone in Europe. I am realistic, once over there I would hardly ever go to Europe anymore, one reason being that I simply couldn't afford such flights.
I already live almost 1500 miles away now, and haven't seen them in 7 years. I do chat with my mother on the messenger every other day or so, and I call them on their birthdays. That's it. Theoretically nothing would change if I moved to America as I would have Internet access and telephone there, too. However, my mother is a bit old-fashioned and already keeps asking when I will visit them again. I don't really want to physically visit them, it means nothing to me as I am the lonely rider kind of person and don't like physical closeness. On the other hand I feel pity for my mother as she has had a hard life and always supported me, even kind of sacrificed a part of her life for my brother and me. So I sometimes feel like I owe her something.
What do you think about such a scenario?
I think it's incredibly sad.
Somewhere along the line something went horribly wrong in your family for you to care of little about your parents or ever seeing them again.
Given your feelings it doesn't appear as though moving to South America would mean any kind of change for them or you to deal with.
The OP's post makes me really sad. Seriously, you haven't seen your parents in 7 years? Yeah, you do owe them a visit. By your own admission, your mother hasn't had it easy, and made sacrifices for you. Human decency would indicate a visit is the very least you could do.
I am not suggesting you don't emigrate. I am saying you "owe" your mother (and father) a visit before you go.
I dont think that children owe their parents anything. As a parent I chose to have children and all the sacrifices that go along with it, and I enjoy it most days. A parent only wants to be appreciated and recognized for their sacrifices, which you seem to be doing. If the move will better your life now and in the future, and your relationship isnt going to change much, I think you need to do whats best for you, as its likely that is what your mother mother has been doing your entire life, whats best for you.
Just make sure that you preserve the relationship you have.
I have a pretty good relationship with my mother, given the distance and the way our lives have drifted apart since I moved out decades ago (I'm in my mid-40s).
Somewhere along the line something went horribly wrong in your family for you to care of little about your parents or ever seeing them again.
Given your feelings it doesn't appear as though moving to South America would mean any kind of change for them or you to deal with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
The OP's post makes me really sad. Seriously, you haven't seen your parents in 7 years? Yeah, you do owe them a visit. By your own admission, your mother hasn't had it easy, and made sacrifices for you. Human decency would indicate a visit is the very least you could do.
I am not suggesting you don't emigrate. I am saying you "owe" your mother (and father) a visit before you go.
Yes, it is kind of sad. But then again, I am realistic, I will never have a normal relationship with my parents, especially with my father who is like a stranger to me. He was a choleric drinker when I grew up, he ruined my mother's life. Supposedly he has changed by now, but I will never like or trust him. That's just the way it is. 15 years ago, when I was still living about a train hour away I only visited them about once a year, the mere presence of my father made me feel uncomfortable. In addition to that they still live where I grew up, which adds to my negative feelings.
Yes, I would visit them one more time before my emigration.
Yes, it is kind of sad. But then again, I am realistic, I will never have a normal relationship with my parents, especially with my father who is like a stranger to me. He was a choleric drinker when I grew up, he ruined my mother's life. Supposedly he has changed by now, but I will never like or trust him. That's just the way it is. 15 years ago, when I was still living about a train hour away I only visited them about once a year, the mere presence of my father made me feel uncomfortable. In addition to that they still live where I grew up, which adds to my negative feelings.
Yes, I would visit them one more time before my emigration.
I suspected as much, and I'm sorry
Do go to see them one last time before you move - it will be good for your soul growth.
I personally would have a really hard time with that, but I see my parents a 1-2 times a month and we skype with them weekly. I have a possible opportunity for a job in another country, and the only reason I don't go for it is because I would be so far from my parents and my Mom would be really sad. I have kids, though, and I want them to have a good relationship with my parents. I would probably need to budget a trip or two each year back to see them, which would be really hard...that is holding me back. It is really a difficult decision. My parents also don't have many friends, which kind of boggles my mind, as have a good set of friends is so important to me. I still keep in contact with old friends in three different states.
I think I would schedule a trip to see them if I were you to start...but, based on your relationship, I would seriously consider making the move. Think about the pros and cons of making the move, maybe write them down and try to figure out if it is worth it. South America and where you are now doesn't seem much different since you don't see your Mom now...
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