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So I yell. A lot. I'd like to stop and I am inviting constructive advice on how to get there. I was raised by a yeller and a sarcasm dispenser/lecturer. I don't think any of those are very good ways to raise children but they are my fallback positions.
1. constantly remind yourself that yelling all the time means it has NO effect, at least not the effect that you want it to have. I was a teacher for a long time and my students knew that I did not yell 99% of the time, so when I did, it was a BIG DEAL. And I got the effect I wanted from it.
2. Maybe a rubber band on your wrist snapped hard whenever you yell to remind you that it's only hurting YOU.
I was raised by an abusive yeller. I never heard a word said to me. all I heard was that I was being attacked. I remembered that when I became a parent and it helped me to understand how destructive yelling at kids can be.
Good for you for deciding you want to change something! I think that's a tough thing to do as a parent and an important thing for all of us to look at in our own parenting behavior.
One thing I would say is if your kids have habituated to you yelling, there will probably be a time when anything else you try may seem like it's not working. Try to persevere through that so you don't end up yelling out of frustration if they don't respond immediately to the new technique. Are you looking for suggestions about how to change tone or whole new discipline strategies?
This is going to sound weird, but if there were a way you could record yourself and watch/listen to yourself in action, that would be very effective. It creates a specific mental image that you can use as motivation to stop the unwanted behavior.
I once saw myself on video at a family event behaving in a way (constant sarcasm) I had been unaware of but hated, and noticing my kids' reactions was all it took to get me to stop. Until then, I hadn't REALLY seen myself in action. It was awful.
Even if you can just get a voice-activated tape recorder (yes, they still make those) so you can set it up and forget it's there, it might help. Maybe even in the car.
Yelling is bad for families, but the kids I know with very sarcastic parents suffer in ways you don't anticipate. I'm glad you want to change.
Is there a difference between yelling and raising your voice? I have never been a yeller, but I'm definitely raising my voice with my son. Do you find there are times that you do have to raise your voice, or can it all be normal voice-type correction?
I'm probably grasping at straws even asking. If I feel like it might be a problem - it's a problem, right? I have seen the book 1-2-3 magic suggested.
I was a yeller too. The best reward for stopping yelling is the expression on your kids' faces when you don't yell. And conversely, the effectiveness of yelling (cause let's face it. Once in a while it's appropriate.) when they finally get used to you not yelling.
Sometimes my children make me so insane that I've mentally pretended they're not my children. While I certainly felt entitled to yell at my children, I would be much less inclined to yell at your children. That helps.
So I yell. A lot. I'd like to stop and I am inviting constructive advice on how to get there. I was raised by a yeller and a sarcasm dispenser/lecturer. I don't think any of those are very good ways to raise children but they are my fallback positions.
Help!
I used to yell a lot. I stopped because I felt that my kids only listened when I yelled and I felt that I was damaging the relationship between us by yelling all the time. My kids were not unruly, they just did not do what I asked unless I yelled.
This is what I did:
I held a family meeting. I told the kids that I felt that we had gotten into a rut where they didn't listen to me unless I yelled and I was feeling bad for yelling all the time. I told them that I was going to ask them to do something once, and that after that there would be consequences. I was not going to repeat myself and I was not going to yell.
After that I had to remind myself to speak softly when I asked for the kids to do something. They did not respond immediately and went through a period where I had to remind them (calmly and with a quiet voice) that I was no longer going to yell but I still expected them to listen to me. I also asked them if they liked it better when I wasn't yelling so much and they said they did. I used that opportunity to tell them that it was much easier for me NOT to yell if they were listening the first time.
It took a few months for everyone (including me) to be completely used to the change. It is hard to change something that is ingrained but you can do it!!!
I was a yeller too. The best reward for stopping yelling is the expression on your kids' faces when you don't yell. And conversely, the effectiveness of yelling (cause let's face it. Once in a while it's appropriate.) when they finally get used to you not yelling.
Sometimes my children make me so insane that I've mentally pretended they're not my children. While I certainly felt entitled to yell at my children, I would be much less inclined to yell at your children. That helps.
Yes-very much so. After years of refraining from yelling my kids JUMP if I do yell.
I used to swear prior to having kids one co-worker asked for me to pay her .10cents every time she heard me swear. Maybe you can try this every time you catch yourself yelling at your children put a dollar or even five dollars in a jar and keep it there.
My parents never yelled at me except for when there was harm going to come from it. However, my husband’s parents did yell at him and I catch him doing it to our children and ask him to walk away. One time I was at his house and he was living with his dad to go to college his dad did not know I was there. My husband did something his dad did not like and I cannot forget the yelling and profanity that came from that father's mouth, long story short my husband blocked him out even at age 21. He said he got so used to the yelling he never listens to him anymore. Keep this in mind if you have small kids, I just yelled at my son whom is 6 when he ran out in the street with a car almost hitting him. If you yell at the kids all the time they will never know when it is urgent or when it is just mom yelling to yell.
PS. My husband still to this day does not want to do anything with his parents whom are divorced, you are laying ground work for something you might not want later on in life. This is just my thought and good luck being a parent is hard there are no handbooks and we all hope and pray we do the right things.
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