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I imagine everyone could answer "yes" to this question. We all may have pre-conceived notions of what it will be like to be a parent and we all have the best of plans when we're pregnant how we're not going to do x or y. We either want to follow our own parents' way of doing things or do the complete opposite depending on how your own childhood went...
I just turned 40 recently and it feels as if I've woken up to certain things. I was raised by parents who had "old souls." They seemed more like my grandparents than my parents. My dad was more the comic relief who didn't know what was going on in the house most of the time, but he went to work everyday like clockwork and never took a sick day. He' still working full-time at 84 years old. My mother was a stay-at-home mom who ironed my clothes, did my laundry, and even said she didn't want me to do chores because it was "her house, her responsibility." One angry look from my mother made me stay quiet for HOURS until she decided she wanted to be "friendly" with me again. I was a very obedient child and though in hindsight I see that my mother was way too overprotective and worried about my psyche, I grew up thinking I wanted that same closeness between me and my children. My mother passed away suddenly 8 years ago but I said to myself that I couldn't wait to be a mother myself - I wouldn't be as controlling as my mother was, but I'd be patient and understanding, give lots of physical affection (which she didn't), etc., etc. .
Reality: my children listen to me when they want to listen. They yell at me "Water!" "Hungry!" and I have to make them ask me nicely which they do reluctantly. They hug me when they want something and when I say "not right now," they run away and scream. I have a 5-year-old who's more distracted than defiant these days, which is an improvement but he just can't help himself; he's compelled to have the last word or defend himself in some way. My almost-3-year-old has a tantrum it seems every 15 minutes - if I say no to TV OR if I take him to the bathroom to go potty OR I give him water instead of juice. My husband tries to re-direct the kids if they really start overwhelming me (because they won't jump on him or ask for food every 5 minutes - it will be me the minute I sit down - alone - to eat). But DH will let them trash their rooms because after all, they're not bothering me so I should be happy. Meanwhile, when bedtime comes, their rooms are an absolute mess and no one sees a problem with it. I ask the boys to do "clean up" wth me and they all fall down on the couch and say they can't, they're too tired, as DH continues to play xbox in the background. Plus I'm exhausted every night when I come home from a high-stress job and I'm going to school part-time, but according to DH, I can't change to a less-stressful job with less responsibility "because I make too much money" and we can't afford a paycut.
As you can tell, I'm feeling a bit fed up but mostly because my image of myself and as a parent at this age is so different from reality. I'm always tired. I could sleep for hours. I dread it when the kids wake me up early Saturday and Sunday. I'm having a hard time appreciating the things that matter -- I'm in ok healthy, my kids are healthy, we have a roof over our heads and both my husband and I have jobs. That should be good enough, right??
But I suffer from mommy guilt, that I'm not able to be a stay-at-home mom like my mom was so when my son starts kindergarten in the fall, I can be there for him instead of working until late hours everyday and being exhausted by the time I get home. I suffer from guilt at not looking past the tantrums and not energizing myself to distract the kids. I imagined a more supportive and less anal retentive husband who can't help himself from criticizing the way I made the eggs this morning. I can't figure out why my kids don't listen to me when I was such an obedient child. I give the kids "the look," they just wait 5 minutes and start doing it again. I don't know what happened, but I hit 40 and realized I'm not doing what I want to be doing professionally, I don't have kids that I enjoy spending time with (for more than 10 minutes), and the hubby isn't necessarily making things better for me. Is 5 and 3 too young for military school lol??? I just foresee myself going through the motions for the next 10 years working long hours, surviving my kids' maturing, resigning myself to husband's anal ways, and not having any time to exercise. And my husband just got a dog and I have to monitor him too because he's not house trained. And yes, I'm in therapy and we keep working on me finding ways to look on the bright side, but it's really hard.
I remember my mom turning 50 and telling me the beauty of it was that she didn't give a s**t anymore lol! She was done making dinners and running around doing people's laundry and cleaning the bathrooms everyday. She went out to eat with my dad, traveled to Europe every summer, and left cleaning to every weekend. Everyone had to do their own laundry. She got her PhD and seemed to really start enoying life. Before she died, she started talking about moving with my Dad to Spain just to live in another country. I just turned 40 and I'm starting to feel this waaaaay too early! I wish she was around to give me a swift kick in the pants.
Sorry so long. I'm ranting as I sit at Starbucks and try to do schoolwork. I left after DH and I had that big fight over the eggs! Eggs! Seriously!
Sounds like the inmates (those would be your kids) are running the asylum. And the fact that they yell "Water" and all you do is "tell them to ask you nicely" is proof.
Sounds like they've each got two good legs. Let them get their own water.
Your kids are walking all over you for two reasons: 1) You trained them to, and, 2) They get away with it.
You have a husband who yells at you for the way you make eggs? Yeah that works. Hand him the skillet and the carton of Large AA next time he does that.
This is correctable. You just started off wrong. Ask yourself, "What would my mother do?" When she gave you "the look" what happened if you sassed her? Did she follow up on it? My guess is yes. That's why "the look" worked.
How old's DH because he sounds about 8. He gets a dog and you are cleaning up after it? Yes, that's how it works. In hell.
You need to stand up for yourself, lay down a Code of Conduct for EVERYONE in your house. Including yourself. You are what you've built. Rip out the foundation and build anew. You CAN do that. You just have to give yourself permission.
Ditto what Dew said, and it also sounds like your husband and you aren't on the same page regarding the kids. Sounds like he needs to get off the xbox and step up to the plate.
Stop feeling guilty and start making everyone pitch in and do their share.
If your husband's job is less demanding as yours (and it sounds like it is), he needs to be doing way more around the house. Dew is so right - stand up for yourself!
Sounds like the inmates (those would be your kids) are running the asylum. And the fact that they yell "Water" and all you do is "tell them to ask you nicely" is proof.
Sounds like they've each got two good legs. Let them get their own water.
Your kids are walking all over you for two reasons: 1) You trained them to, and, 2) They get away with it.
You have a husband who yells at you for the way you make eggs? Yeah that works. Hand him the skillet and the carton of Large AA next time he does that.
This is correctable. You just started off wrong. Ask yourself, "What would my mother do?" When she gave you "the look" what happened if you sassed her? Did she follow up on it? My guess is yes. That's why "the look" worked.
How old's DH because he sounds about 8. He gets a dog and you are cleaning up after it? Yes, that's how it works. In hell.
You need to stand up for yourself, lay down a Code of Conduct for EVERYONE in your house. Including yourself. You are what you've built. Rip out the foundation and build anew. You CAN do that. You just have to give yourself permission.
You sound depressed. I know. I've been there. Keep going to therapy and work to see the bright side. If you think it would help you could try an antidepressant. I was on them for a while, but I decided the side effects weren't worth it. It did help me get far enough to do the rest on my own. When I was no longer depressed, disciplining the kids became easier and more consistent. Make them clean their rooms before they get to watch TV or have dessert (or whatever works for you). If you and your husband are so far apart on your ideas of what is important, see a therapist together.
OP, I think you need a new therapist. You need one who tells you to get your DH involved in the family, and has some discipline strategies for the kids other than "redirecting". They're too young to help with much housework yet, but they're not too young, especially the 5 yr old, to learn not to make a worse mess of things.
I imagine everyone could answer "yes" to this question. We all may have pre-conceived notions of what it will be like to be a parent and we all have the best of plans when we're pregnant how we're not going to do x or y. We either want to follow our own parents' way of doing things or do the complete opposite depending on how your own childhood went...
I just turned 40 recently and it feels as if I've woken up to certain things. I was raised by parents who had "old souls." They seemed more like my grandparents than my parents. My dad was more the comic relief who didn't know what was going on in the house most of the time, but he went to work everyday like clockwork and never took a sick day. He' still working full-time at 84 years old. My mother was a stay-at-home mom who ironed my clothes, did my laundry, and even said she didn't want me to do chores because it was "her house, her responsibility." One angry look from my mother made me stay quiet for HOURS until she decided she wanted to be "friendly" with me again. I was a very obedient child and though in hindsight I see that my mother was way too overprotective and worried about my psyche, I grew up thinking I wanted that same closeness between me and my children. My mother passed away suddenly 8 years ago but I said to myself that I couldn't wait to be a mother myself - I wouldn't be as controlling as my mother was, but I'd be patient and understanding, give lots of physical affection (which she didn't), etc., etc. .
Reality: my children listen to me when they want to listen. They yell at me "Water!" "Hungry!" and I have to make them ask me nicely which they do reluctantly. They hug me when they want something and when I say "not right now," they run away and scream. I have a 5-year-old who's more distracted than defiant these days, which is an improvement but he just can't help himself; he's compelled to have the last word or defend himself in some way. My almost-3-year-old has a tantrum it seems every 15 minutes - if I say no to TV OR if I take him to the bathroom to go potty OR I give him water instead of juice. My husband tries to re-direct the kids if they really start overwhelming me (because they won't jump on him or ask for food every 5 minutes - it will be me the minute I sit down - alone - to eat). But DH will let them trash their rooms because after all, they're not bothering me so I should be happy. Meanwhile, when bedtime comes, their rooms are an absolute mess and no one sees a problem with it. I ask the boys to do "clean up" wth me and they all fall down on the couch and say they can't, they're too tired, as DH continues to play xbox in the background. Plus I'm exhausted every night when I come home from a high-stress job and I'm going to school part-time, but according to DH, I can't change to a less-stressful job with less responsibility "because I make too much money" and we can't afford a paycut.
As you can tell, I'm feeling a bit fed up but mostly because my image of myself and as a parent at this age is so different from reality. I'm always tired. I could sleep for hours. I dread it when the kids wake me up early Saturday and Sunday. I'm having a hard time appreciating the things that matter -- I'm in ok healthy, my kids are healthy, we have a roof over our heads and both my husband and I have jobs. That should be good enough, right??
But I suffer from mommy guilt, that I'm not able to be a stay-at-home mom like my mom was so when my son starts kindergarten in the fall, I can be there for him instead of working until late hours everyday and being exhausted by the time I get home. I suffer from guilt at not looking past the tantrums and not energizing myself to distract the kids. I imagined a more supportive and less anal retentive husband who can't help himself from criticizing the way I made the eggs this morning. I can't figure out why my kids don't listen to me when I was such an obedient child. I give the kids "the look," they just wait 5 minutes and start doing it again. I don't know what happened, but I hit 40 and realized I'm not doing what I want to be doing professionally, I don't have kids that I enjoy spending time with (for more than 10 minutes), and the hubby isn't necessarily making things better for me. Is 5 and 3 too young for military school lol??? I just foresee myself going through the motions for the next 10 years working long hours, surviving my kids' maturing, resigning myself to husband's anal ways, and not having any time to exercise. And my husband just got a dog and I have to monitor him too because he's not house trained. And yes, I'm in therapy and we keep working on me finding ways to look on the bright side, but it's really hard.
I remember my mom turning 50 and telling me the beauty of it was that she didn't give a s**t anymore lol! She was done making dinners and running around doing people's laundry and cleaning the bathrooms everyday. She went out to eat with my dad, traveled to Europe every summer, and left cleaning to every weekend. Everyone had to do their own laundry. She got her PhD and seemed to really start enoying life. Before she died, she started talking about moving with my Dad to Spain just to live in another country. I just turned 40 and I'm starting to feel this waaaaay too early! I wish she was around to give me a swift kick in the pants.
Sorry so long. I'm ranting as I sit at Starbucks and try to do schoolwork. I left after DH and I had that big fight over the eggs! Eggs! Seriously!
How are your children at daycare or kindergarten? Do they yell one word demands to the teacher and then throw a tantrum if they don't get their own way? Do they clean up at day care or school? Ask the teacher to find out for sure. If they are compliant and follow directions for others than they should be able to do it for you and your husband.
I'm a retired early childhood teacher. I can't tell you how many times a parent has observed "clean-up time" in my room and was shocked at seeing their 3, 4 or 5 year old quickly and appropriately putting away the toys before the next activity while cheerfully singing our clean-up song. I was told again and again by parents that their child had never once cleaned up on their own or even helped with clean-up at home.
Start with one small area at a time and built success and move on to other areas. Perhaps constantly getting snacks for your children is a problem. We set it up that our kids could get their own healthy snacks and juice boxes from the bottom shelf of the fridge and a certain low cupboard. That may not work in your situation but totally ignoring yelled demands and wait until they ask you nicely by themselves, without any prompting by you, may work better.
Room clean-up works best with fewer toys and small bins labeled with pictures (one bin for stuffed animals, another bin for toy cars and trucks, etc). What worked well at our house was the routine that all the toys in the playroom had to be put away before bedtime. If they weren't I packed them in a box and put them in the garage for a week or two. It only took once or twice for a favorite toy to disappear for our kids to learn to cleanup. If they were especially tired or an unusally large amount of toys were out we would play a game to see who could put 10 toys away the quickest. Boy, that worked well.
Well kids at that age should be more fun -- are you getting out and taking walks with them? Doing some fun things outdoors with them? Exploring the world together? Even riding bikes down a sidewalk -- I think you need to learn how to play again and be a kid again. Kids cooped up too much indoors tend to misbehave a lot more than kids who play outdoors and wear off energy. Since you're working and going to school, if the rooms are trashed, maybe it's best to just chill on that.
Choose your battles - if there are toys everywhere, it won't really hurt anyone. Get rid of extra toys and things that just end up on the floor and aren't really played with, make them keep their toys in their messy rooms if they won't pick them up in the living room or if you have to pick the toys up, get a box and say that if you have to pick them up they're going into the trash or to Goodwill for the poor kids who will take better care of them. Let them rescue their beloved toys a couple times from the trash can and they might pay better attention when it's time to put them away. Instead of sending the 3 and 5 year off to military school, maybe you should look into one for your husband. It really doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight if you're working full time and going to school and taking care of the kids and cooking him his eggs just so he can gripe about them.
It sounds like you've stopped having fun, and everything is just a big chore but maybe you're too much of a perfectionist and need to let some things go -- starting with the eggs. If he wants eggs, he should cook them himself and he can make them exactly how he likes, or have a bowl of cereal instead.
Your kids are going to grow up way too fast to miss having some fun times with them. I'd start with that -- get to playing with them, coloring books with them, reading to them, walking outdoors, taking some hikes with them. The time you have with them is very short and you shouldn't waste it on worrying about bad eggs or messy rooms.
When my kids would scream demands at me at that age, I would simply say, "I'm sorry, I do'nt understand you." I sometimes have to use this method with them now that they're pre-teens, too... I don't speak Whinese, and they're masters!
I think that meltdowns and tantrums are normal if they're trying to hold it together all day long in daycare. Especially from the two-year-old... the toddler years are hard on mom!
My job could be quite stressful as well, one thing that worked for me was as soon as I got home I would need to "change my clothes". Actually, what I did was just lay on the bed for 10 or 15 minutes and relax. But people who actually change out of high heels and suits need that quiet time, too. Our two kids knew that as soon as they got home from school/day care with me it was quiet book or quiet toy time until I came back downstairs. It is amazing how just 10 minutes can revitalize you. Also, I found that the kids were sometimes wound up after school and the quiet activity helped them settle down, too. At least with my kids, 10 minutes of building with Lego bricks easily became 30 minutes of quiet play while I started dinner. Your kids might not be quite ready for spending more time on their own but at least for 10 minutes even a 3 year can do puzzles, books or blocks by themselves. If it doesn't seem to work at first, try having some "special toys" that they only can only start to play with while mommy is changing out of her work clothes.
Also, insist that your husband has responsibility for his dog or tell him that he has to return it or sell it. It isn't like a 10 year kid who begged for a dog and then wouldn't take care of it. He's a grown man. My husband started to do that when he got a puppy, I was walking it more and more finally I put my foot down and just said to him, "It's time to walk Einstein." and if hubby didn't, then hubby cleaned up the doggy accidents. Now, my husband finds it quite relaxing to walk the dog.
Again, hang in there.
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