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We are near our wits end with our 5 year old daughter and we need help. Either professional or something people suggest. Let me give you a little background and then I will ask my question.
My 5 year old daughter (will be 6 in June) has always been sensitive. She has been in a daycare facility because we both work since she has been 7 months old. When she has moved up for each class, it has taken her about 2 months to get used to the class. Secondly, she has always wanted to just play by herself and not interact too much with other kids. Even now in her preschool. She was in kindergarden this past year but she was not doing well, her teachers said she was not emotionally ready for kindergarden. We so happenned to then move from Georgia to Ohio and we put her in a preschool here.
OK - So now to my problem. She really never listens, it takes her 3 times of us asking a question for her to answer. We then get stern and then she shuts down and starts crying and pouting. She really never wants to be good. While other children are inquistive she doesnt really say much. When she does ask a question she whines and says " I wannnnnnntttt a toyyyyyyyy...". she doesnt ask for things positively. When we ask her to clean up, she just says no and whines about it. We dont know whether to be stern, loving, etc with her as nothing has worked. I can go into more but should we get professional help? if so, where do we turn to? suggestions?
I think having an evaluation done might help. She may or may not need counseling, but I am sure it would make you feel better to hear what a neutral 3rd party has to say. Good luck!
When you say evaluation - Who do I go to? I had the kindergarden that she is going to this september do an evaluation about her learning aptitude and they said she was average.
Like a psychologist? or psychiatrist? Sorry, dont know where to go.
Talk to your pediatrician first. A good pediatrician can tell you what's normal for her age and give you a referral if necessary. Get her hearing checked also.
As a mother of little girls, they're like a sponge and they absorb the behavior of other kids around them. If they see the whiny kids getting more attention at daycare or at school, they'll learn to whine too. My youngest learned to whine at school and it's taken years to get her out of the habit. She always says no when I tell her to clean...I have to threaten to take away her toys or her tablet to get her to help out around the house.
Another issue is that you have to be realistic in what you expect your daughter to be able to do. If you tell her to clean her room, and her room is buried in toys, dirty clothes, and shoes, at 5 she is not going to be able to break that down into a series of tasks and clean it up. You have to break it into tasks small enough that she can handle them "put the dirty clothes in the hamper, put the shoes in the closet, put the dolls into the toybox, put the books on the shelf, etc." and give out the tasks one at a time.
Keep in mind that she's probably spent more waking hours with strangers than with you over the years, so she doesn't know your expectations...she just knows that sometimes you ask her things and when she can't figure them out fast enough, you get upset with her, and then more upset when she cries. You have to learn how to talk to her, be consistent and don't get frustrated with her. If you ask her something three times and she doesn't answer, give her a couple of choices for answers...silly choices are okay too, sometimes I will make up two silly choices along with the one answer I do want her to give. If you want her to be comfortable enough to be inquisitive and to "ask for things positively", you need to work on her self esteem. Instead of criticizing the things you don't like that she does, praise the things she does well and ignore the whining, don't give it any response at all. When she helps with things, tell her she's a good girl and you're proud of her. By doing that and by ignoring the things that you don't like, you teach her how to act and how to get a response from you. Make sure you do fun things with her too...I know that when you work full-time, the weekend is usually for getting chores and shopping done and there's not a lot of time for fun stuff, but try to plan a fun hour every weekend. Take her to the park for an hour, or to the book store, or spend an hour outside while she plays (good way to meet other kids in the neighborhood too).
does she have any speech problems? cause what you are saying sounds just like my daughter that will be 6 tomorrow, she has/had alot of problems with her speech, we had her evaluated at a speech therapist, she has now been seeing one since she was 3 and her attitude has changed so much in the last years... she never used to listen when she would ask for things she would whine and then if we could not understand her or ask her what she wanted she would shut down.
I would agree a more extensive, evaluation is in order. There are several routes through your health insurance. A pediatrician that specializes in children's behavior are called: Developmental or Behavioral Pediatrician. Another option are Children's Neurologists...both are MDs who have additional specialized training. Some are in individual practice specialize in nuerodevelopmental issues in children. Others are affiliated with teaching/children's hospitals or large networks/pediatrician practices. A Neuropsychologist is another specialist that will do extensive educational-like testing for things like autism, LDs, and ADHD. Some of these work together with the above MDs and perform testing services only. Many school districts have contracts and might use a NP for some testing, but in my experience, getting one yourself through your insurance to do the testing will result in a much more extensive protocol and detailed report. We even paid out of pocket $1500 for my son's eval. Best decision we ever made as he was a very difficult and specialized case. Most school testing has a pretty high 'bar' to hit before you are going to be classified as 'disabled' enough to receive some services or in some cases even get their attention at all. A private doctor on the other hand is going to be on your side...looking for things that are going to match what you tell them you are seeing, both at home and at school. The right private doctor should be your advocate. Finding the right one is important. Do your research and look for a highly credentialled one in your area. Ask about the number and exactly which tests they will do and compare. Ask if they will provide a report and give recommendations you can use to procure services through the school. You also want a doctor that has expereince in dealing with children your daughter's age. Once you do complete the testing, then follow up from there with your school district to implement any recommendations or accomodations. If she is eligible for services from your school district, there will be a process to set up a meeting to review the results from the doctor you procured.
I would suggest talking to your pediatrician about your concerns. try to be as specific as possible about specific as possible.
Does your daycare/pre-school provider have any thoughts? The daycare/preschool where my daughter goes does evaluations each year of the kids, and lets us know if they are on track, and things they should be doing, etc.
It is pretty normal to need to adjust to the new class - after all kids like routine, and when the normal routine for them changes, it can affect their general behavior. Where my daughter goes to daycare, they try to slowly move them over, first spending an hour in the new class, then half a day, and finally moving over - they do this over a 3 month period, so the kids know what to expect.
I saw a similar situation with a girl that age. It concerned me because later in life it can be *very* important to listen to, understand, and follow rules. Some rules can save a young child's life! (Like do not run out into the street.)
Anyway I suggested we start asking her to repeat what she was just told. See if there is some problem with her hearing or comprehending or if she is just being a selfish brat.
It turned out that if we insisted and were persistent, she could repeat what was said to her. She did not like this one bit!
Anyway after starting to make her repeat what was said to her, she learned she might be "tested" on what was said to her. And then started listening somewhat or sometimes.
I think she was just not paying attention to what was being told to her - ignoring it - being a brat.
Anyway *very* important she be able to follow rules. So find out now what the problem is! And it helps to explain why it is important for her to do what she is told - protect her from dangerous situations, etc.
Talk to your pediatrician first. A good pediatrician can tell you what's normal for her age and give you a referral if necessary. Get her hearing checked also.
As a mother of little girls, they're like a sponge and they absorb the behavior of other kids around them. If they see the whiny kids getting more attention at daycare or at school, they'll learn to whine too. My youngest learned to whine at school and it's taken years to get her out of the habit. She always says no when I tell her to clean...I have to threaten to take away her toys or her tablet to get her to help out around the house.
Another issue is that you have to be realistic in what you expect your daughter to be able to do. If you tell her to clean her room, and her room is buried in toys, dirty clothes, and shoes, at 5 she is not going to be able to break that down into a series of tasks and clean it up. You have to break it into tasks small enough that she can handle them "put the dirty clothes in the hamper, put the shoes in the closet, put the dolls into the toybox, put the books on the shelf, etc." and give out the tasks one at a time.
Keep in mind that she's probably spent more waking hours with strangers than with you over the years, so she doesn't know your expectations...she just knows that sometimes you ask her things and when she can't figure them out fast enough, you get upset with her, and then more upset when she cries. You have to learn how to talk to her, be consistent and don't get frustrated with her. If you ask her something three times and she doesn't answer, give her a couple of choices for answers...silly choices are okay too, sometimes I will make up two silly choices along with the one answer I do want her to give. If you want her to be comfortable enough to be inquisitive and to "ask for things positively", you need to work on her self esteem. Instead of criticizing the things you don't like that she does, praise the things she does well and ignore the whining, don't give it any response at all. When she helps with things, tell her she's a good girl and you're proud of her. By doing that and by ignoring the things that you don't like, you teach her how to act and how to get a response from you. Make sure you do fun things with her too...I know that when you work full-time, the weekend is usually for getting chores and shopping done and there's not a lot of time for fun stuff, but try to plan a fun hour every weekend. Take her to the park for an hour, or to the book store, or spend an hour outside while she plays (good way to meet other kids in the neighborhood too).
I don't agree with the bolded statement is at all. Despite being in daycare or with a nanny or sitter or grandma or what have you.... Kids know who there parents are, and expectations are pretty clear.
No matter what the cause (and for the record, it's pointless to try to identify cause or blame) I am sure your daughter will improve with the proper intervention. Best of luck!
We are near our wits end with our 5 year old daughter and we need help. Either professional or something people suggest. Let me give you a little background and then I will ask my question.
My 5 year old daughter (will be 6 in June) has always been sensitive. She has been in a daycare facility because we both work since she has been 7 months old. When she has moved up for each class, it has taken her about 2 months to get used to the class. Secondly, she has always wanted to just play by herself and not interact too much with other kids. Even now in her preschool. She was in kindergarden this past year but she was not doing well, her teachers said she was not emotionally ready for kindergarden. We so happenned to then move from Georgia to Ohio and we put her in a preschool here.
OK - So now to my problem. She really never listens, it takes her 3 times of us asking a question for her to answer. We then get stern and then she shuts down and starts crying and pouting. She really never wants to be good. While other children are inquistive she doesnt really say much. When she does ask a question she whines and says " I wannnnnnntttt a toyyyyyyyy...". she doesnt ask for things positively. When we ask her to clean up, she just says no and whines about it. We dont know whether to be stern, loving, etc with her as nothing has worked. I can go into more but should we get professional help? if so, where do we turn to? suggestions?
Be consistent.
Give positive reinforcement for not whining, and completely ignore the whining.
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