Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Please forgive the long post, I'm not trying to gripe, just include all of the facts. I have 2 girls, ages 16 and 14. I have sole permanent custody of them and they are not allowed to see their mom. I was remarried prior to gaining custody of them and the new wife, even while we were dating, knew I was seeking full custody of them prior to us getting engaged, let alone married. Once I got custody of them, things started to change with her. Before we were married, when the kids would come visit, she was kind to them and let me be the parent dealing with discipline issues, chores, etc. We have had them for a few years now and she has begun screming at them almost all of the time. For example, just last night, she showed me where my daughter had put the paper towel holder back when she was done wiping the counters. She then showed me where it should have been, i twas approximately 2 inches from where it was. It wasn’t near an ignition source or water where they would be ruined, it just baffles my mind.
I get home most days from work prior to her arriving. After the kids have completed their homework, I let them go outside or watch television until dinner time. After dinner, their chores are to clean the dishes and take out the trash. When my wife came home, also last night, she asked why the kids were just sitting there not doing any work around the house. She has told me that she wants them to do chores around the house all week when they are home so we don’t have as much to do on the weekends. Its my philosophy however that they need to have time to be kids and do kid things, not work all night until they go to bed. I told he rthis very calmly, no yelling or throwing my hands in the air, nothing, and sh egot very defensive like it was a personal attack. She then stated, “You’re always right, and I’m always wrong, so I’ll just shut up.” She also monitors what the kids watch on television, which is ok, however gets extremely angry when they actually watch kid shows/movies.
She has gone so far as to start name calling and swearing a tthem for any little mistake they may make. When doing their chores, she is always there to check their work and go over everything with a white glove. (God help us if she finds anything). When they are completed with their chores, I never hear a “thank you” come out of her mouth ever.
I am at my wits end with her. When her parents were over last weekend and she was going over my daughters work, she even stated that if she had done that when she was younger, there would have been a huge argument, so I know she wasn’t raised that way.
I am at my wits end and don’t know what to say/do in order to get her to change her behavior. What would you do in this situation?
Last edited by armydad310; 03-05-2014 at 02:18 PM..
Seek Marriage Counseling and family therapy or make the choice between your wife and your daughters.
At this point which is more important to you for the well being of your children?
How can you even ask? Your kids have to come first. They aren't allowed to see their real mother, who we can assume was abusive or neglectful or something, and now they are living with Cruella Daville. Put your foot down with her. Sounds like you have pretty bad taste in women - perhaps the stepmother needs to go. Otherwise, I imagine the moment they are 18 they'll be out of the house and who knows where.
Seek Marriage Counseling and family therapy or make the choice between your wife and your daughters.
At this point which is more important to you for the well being of your children?
Which isn't really a choice at all. The daughters must come first, as it doesn't sound as though they have done anything wrong. You have saddled them with a demanding step-mother, who appears to have no idea how to parent.
Your daughters are at a pretty bad age for them to be dealing with an absent (and apparently highly deficient) bio mom and a shrew of a stepmom. This is the point where they're thinking about rebelling, and by staying with wifey, you're giving them an alphabetized list of why they should go off the rails. Until they're out of the house, they need to be your priority.
Look, I'm a single woman with no real urges to do the bio kid thing, but there is no moral way to date or marry a person with kids and not acknowledge that their priority should be those kids. Heck, what finally caused me to end a long-running relationships with the guy who was the love of my life was the fact that he was not being the best father he could be for his child.
Keep in mind also that once your daughters are out of the house, your wife will likely turn her dissatisfaction on you - you'll be the only target left.
Protect and prioritize your daughters. They need you.
Was she OCD about things like where the paper towel holder goes before you married her? If she was, you knew how she was before you married her. If she wasn't it's a sign something has made her go BOOM! Have you asked HER why she's wound so tight?
Were you deployed overseas? (I'm asking because of your user name.) If so, you might think about how that stress affected your family. ON TOP of the fact that your daughters are under the stress of not being allowed to see their natural mother. Lots of things going on in your family. Before you can change her behavior (which you actually can't - SHE'S the only person who can change her behavior) you have to find out why she's going semi-postal.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 03-05-2014 at 04:05 PM..
It's possible that, since there is no mom in the picture, she figured that she automatically had to assume the role. Every stepfamily is different. There are some that successfully integrate the new spouse as a parental figure but many more end up somewhere between that and total failure.
The therapist that counseled our family (DH had shared custody but primary residence of his two kids) told me that I should be aiming for something like older adult sister or favored aunt status with the kids. This was in response to my questions about what I should try to be to them. I loved them but I didn't want to be their mom. They had a mom, I didn't want the job, they didn't want two moms. We were all clear on that yet I wasn't quite sure what I should and shouldn't be doing. As "favored aunt" though, well you'd help with homework, but you wouldn't be the one to dole out the punishment for failure to complete it. You might remind them that they had previously established chores, but the consequences of not doing them would be left to the parent. That's the balance.
Right now the balance is off, enough to where you need to take back all authority. Name-calling and non-stop screaming is inexcusable. She is also micromanaging them way too much to keep the battles going. If she has an issue with the kids, she comes to you and you work it out privately. She said "I'll just shut up," so tell her you've accepted her offer. The two of you need to get to counseling and decide your plans from there. It maybe that, now that the full weight of being in a step-family has been on her for a few years, its becoming obvious that she can't and may never be able to deal with it. It may be that if everyone can get on the same page for shared goals, it will work out.
She also needs to understand that her input is welcome, if privately expressed to you, but that ultimately you have final veto power as the parent.
In her defense, how much time is she getting with you, alone, without them? I love my step kids (they are adults now) but there were weekends when they were supposed to visit their mom and she didn't show up. They were crushed, but I was also disappointed. I thought I was going to be getting a little alone time with DH, maybe go to a nice restaurant for a change or go to the beach and not have to build the world's biggest sand castle. When we had our own kids, I wanted just a little time every now and then to be just me and him and the babies. I didn't mind sharing the rest of the time, but a 48 hour break from having to consider them in every decision was a welcome relief in a tough situation. You seem like an attentive father, make sure your wife knows you are there for her too. She has a lousy way of expressing it but she is having a rough time with this.
I know I'm not going to win any points with this, but I can say that being a step-parent kinda sucks. You are expected to "act as a parent", however no matter which way you slice it, those are not your children. There can be a lot of resentment that comes from step-parenting, especially if you all did not have a very serious discussion about expectations and roles. I'm not condoning it but I would imagine that sometimes she may also be feeling like the odd man out, as she is the only "non-blood" family member.
As another poster said, seek outside help...go to counseling and find out what this is really about. Just you and your wife first, let the counselor decide if and when the kids should participate. I hope everything works out and I wish you the best.
The girls are 16 and 14. They will be out of the house in another 2 and 4 years. You will hopefully be married for a long time to come. There must have been some reason that you wanted to marry this woman in the first place - that should still be there again when the kids are gone. Go to a counselor with your wife. Talk about how you can all get through to the point when the kids leave, so you can enjoy each other again. Talk about what you can do now, so that the household can be pleasant again. Consider having an agreement that you are the disciplinarian, and she is just the good time step mom. Consider getting a cleaning person/service, so that she doesn't have to feel burdened with cleaning up after them so much.
I would try counseling, but if I didn't see any improvement in wife's attitude PDQ, she'd be packing up and moving on. Those poor girls have been through enough without someone having a hissy fit over where the paper towel is. How ridiculous is that? Please make your daughters your priority!!! They should be hers, too.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
