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The way I look at it, kids are born into this world knowing "nothing"!
They need to be taught or "programmed" for "everything". That would include basic rules AND exceptions to those rules.
And I feel the point of this teaching should be "survival" out in the world. That the kid will be able to function in society when he/she becomes an adult.
If a kid only learns basic rules, I should think this could cause problems later on. However if the kid also learn exceptions to rules, then I should think their adult life would be more so "smooth sailing". For example I have a friend who was taught to be honest... Well he was when his wife asked him what he thought of her new hair style. He was in the "dog house" for 3 days due to his honest comments. )
The way I look at it, kids are born into this world knowing "nothing"!
They need to be taught or "programmed" for "everything". That would include basic rules AND exceptions to those rules.
And I feel the point of this teaching should be "survival" out in the world. That the kid will be able to function in society when he/she becomes an adult.
If a kid only learns basic rules, I should think this could cause problems later on. However if the kid also learn exceptions to rules, then I should think their adult life would be more so "smooth sailing". For example I have a friend who was taught to be honest... Well he was when his wife asked him what he thought of her new hair style. He was in the "dog house" for 3 days due to his honest comments. )
This is just exactly what I am talking about. We lay down the basics and we "Intentionally Teach" certain specific things, but our society is teaching something much different.
Why is it bad to tell somebody you don't care for the gift they picked out for you? Is it rude? If I ask if you like my shirt, why would you say yes, if you don't like it? To be polite? Avoid confrontation?
I feel the children are growing up with mixed messages, don't lie, be honest, but every day everywhere in society, people lie, they are expected to lie.
If you have a child, or an adult for that matter, who has lived a life with no difference of opinion, always dishonest, but polite and acceptable answers, they don't learn to deal with a different opinion, another point of view, they don't learn to communicate in a polite way about disagreements.
I could go on and on. I say society needs to stop being so polite, don't say what you think I want to hear, say what you mean.
Most of what children learn is from the lessons we don't actually teach. Its from watching and learning how other people function in society.
Life is so situational. There is so much more to communication than just words.
There's intent, tone, where the two (or more) people in the conversation are coming from, the history of the relationship between those communicating, if there is one at all.
Social skills are skills for a reason. They must be learned, otherwise you get social outcasts who are on the fringes because they don't understand why you can't just go around telling people what you like and don't like about them.
To go back to your original question, society does NOT expect you to say please when you are angry at someone. It expects you to communicate effectively, but that can only be determined in the context of your relationship with that person you are mad at.
If you really think your parents set you up for a lifetime of unhappiness, you could check out this thread:
This is just exactly what I am talking about. We lay down the basics and we "Intentionally Teach" certain specific things, but our society is teaching something much different.
That was kind of my point. I think it is unwise to teach these specific things. I think it is way more advisable to teach kids how to think critically and judge their situations.
Life is so situational. There is so much more to communication than just words.
There's intent, tone, where the two (or more) people in the conversation are coming from, the history of the relationship between those communicating, if there is one at all.
Social skills are skills for a reason. They must be learned, otherwise you get social outcasts who are on the fringes because they don't understand why you can't just go around telling people what you like and don't like about them.
To go back to your original question, society does NOT expect you to say please when you are angry at someone. It expects you to communicate effectively, but that can only be determined in the context of your relationship with that person you are mad at.
If you really think your parents set you up for a lifetime of unhappiness, you could check out this thread:
Being less polite is the very last thing this world needs. None of us would last very long at all in that world.
I never meant that my parents set me up for a life of unhappiness. lol. They did make some mistakes, as we all have. I am talking about how social skills that prevent us from being an outcast require people to lie. That is acceptable. Why not learn or teach better communication skills so that you can be honest, tell somebody that you appreciate the gift and the thought, but you don't care for the item. People would rather say they like it to keep from hurting the persons feelings. Why in the world would it hurt the person's feelings? That is what society has taught us. If people don't agree, think the same, say what you want to hear, they are being rude, they are discredited, outcast...
I am not saying to be rude, manners are very important, but so is being honest and being able to accept a difference of opinion or explain your different opinion without becoming upset or offended.
I guess it is just easier, less risk involved, as mentioned, it depends on so many variables in each relationship and situation.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SocalPitgal
I remember many times growing up that I was aware of my parents telling a lie, for example, the phone rings and somebody sitting right there says "tell them I am not home" The unspoken lessons don't match the verbal lessons.
So, this understanding of the gray areas as kids mature, is that learning to behave and communicate in an acceptable way in the society we live in?
How many parents truly lead by example? It seems it's easier just to be hypocritical.
The OP is complaining about grand sweeping generalizations and then making a bunch themselves.
The age at which it is appropriate developmentally to explain the "exceptions" to children is going to vary both individual and by age. Children are not capable of abstract thought necessary for the kind of thinking you are talking about until teens. Therefore teaching them rules, and the exceptions later, has arisen as the dominate parenting style because it recognizes how children learn.
Maybe you should read some developmental psych.
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