I need some advice about my 6 year old (day care, method, ideas)
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My six year old son is an only child and have very little experience with other kids. We had him in a day care for a short time before he started school but other than that he has very little experience with other kids. I have problems with him in school at this point. It started in kindergarden and now he is in first grade. He has a really hard time keeping his hands and feet to himself. At first we punished him by spanking, time outs. It did not make things any better. He cried and behaved for a couple of days and then he was right back where it started.
He is in first grade now. He has not had an easy year. We have moved in last year and he has been in 3 different schools as a result. The first school in kindergarden, a temporary school when we first moved to the state of Illinois and now his new school here in Chicago. Today when I went to pick him up in school I heard from several students how my son was missbehaving. ( hitting and pushing other kids.). I also noticed how my son had a red mark in his forehead and when I ask him about it he told me another kid had pushed him and pinched him in the head.
I am so concerned. He is very respect full to my husband and I and most of the time does what he is told. He rarely throws any tantrums. Lately I have noticed how much he wants to hug all the time and be close. It is like he craving attention. I am not working right now so it is not like I am not spending any time with him. When I ask my son about his behavior he tells me he hits because somebody did not want to play with him, or took his pencil away from him or cut in line in the lunch room.
As of right now we are trying another method of punishment. We have taken all his toys away for 2 weeks. It really upset him. What I am worried about is that he will just return to bad behavior once those two weeks passed. Im not sure what to do. I feel like I have failed him in some way. What else can I do?
Im not a mom yet, but I am a (young) teacher, so Ill start you off with some ideas to think about...
Have you sat down and discussed with him more appropriate ways of getting the other children to play with him? It might be helpful for the both of you to brainstorm ideas on what is appropriate and inappropriate in dealing with other children.
Try to come up with strategies for him to interact with the other children. Role play would probably be helpful as well. Practice, practice, practice putting these strategies to work.
Try positive instead of negative reinforcement. Taking his toys away for two weeks may be a bit too long. He is six years old. By the time two weeks has passed, he may not remember clearly the purpose for taking the toys away.
Instead of taking his toys away, why not work with his teacher and express your concerns about his behavior at school. The two of you could come up with a behavior plan for your son. When he does well with the other kids on a given day, he can get a sticker or have some play time at home on the computer, or whatever he likes. If he does not do well, he simply does not get this privilege. Keep practicing how to handle other children in social situations! Role play with him.
Try to find out when/ what triggers his behavior. You may need some feedback from his teacher. Does it seem to be in the morning, just after he leaves you and arrives at school? (maybe he's feeling anxious) is it just after lunch? You get the idea.
Once you find out what his triggers are, you can help him find ways to cope with those triggers (IE, maybe he needs to have something to bring with him to school that reminds him of you).
Thank you! You gave me some good ideas. I will have a talk with his teacher. The role playing is also a great idea. What are your experience with kids like this?
Talking to his teacher is a great idea. The school probably also has a counselor, who might be helpful also.
Taking things away doesn't really work unless you take away everything they own and ban them from the tv and computer and even books...they just find something else to do until the toys are back. A reward will work better...maybe a chart of the month, and every day he does well, he gets a sticker, and once he gets 5 stickers, he gets a good reward, maybe an ice cream cone or a small toy.
My oldest was really scared to go to school. She used to cry every day. We bought her a necklace and every day before school, we would all touch the necklace and tell her we were putting our love in it. Then when she was feeling bad and lonely at school, she could hold her necklace and know that we were all thinking about her. (silly, but it worked)
My six year old son is an only child and have very little experience with other kids. We had him in a day care for a short time before he started school but other than that he has very little experience with other kids. I have problems with him in school at this point. It started in kindergarden and now he is in first grade. He has a really hard time keeping his hands and feet to himself. At first we punished him by spanking, time outs. It did not make things any better. He cried and behaved for a couple of days and then he was right back where it started.
He is in first grade now. He has not had an easy year. We have moved in last year and he has been in 3 different schools as a result. The first school in kindergarden, a temporary school when we first moved to the state of Illinois and now his new school here in Chicago. Today when I went to pick him up in school I heard from several students how my son was missbehaving. ( hitting and pushing other kids.). I also noticed how my son had a red mark in his forehead and when I ask him about it he told me another kid had pushed him and pinched him in the head.
I am so concerned. He is very respect full to my husband and I and most of the time does what he is told. He rarely throws any tantrums. Lately I have noticed how much he wants to hug all the time and be close. It is like he craving attention. I am not working right now so it is not like I am not spending any time with him. When I ask my son about his behavior he tells me he hits because somebody did not want to play with him, or took his pencil away from him or cut in line in the lunch room.
As of right now we are trying another method of punishment. We have taken all his toys away for 2 weeks. It really upset him. What I am worried about is that he will just return to bad behavior once those two weeks passed. Im not sure what to do. I feel like I have failed him in some way. What else can I do?
At that age, the consequences - whether spanking, time outs, or whatever else - need to happen immediately when the offense occurs, and they need to be consistently applied, or they will seem arbitrary and unfair to him. That could cause him a lot of internal grief and confusion.
I also think that two weeks may be too long for any punishment to be helpful to a 6 y/o.
Does he watch television? If so, what does he see?
Also, if he has a lot of rock music in his life (or similar genres like hip hop), that can make for a volatile and impulsive personality in some children.
I have noticed similar problems in my godson, whose parents have a difficult marriage. The child sees a lot unhappiness and fighting at home between the parents.
When he's home with you, maybe set up some regular play time with another child or two with you supervising?
My personal opinion - 6 y/o children are pretty young to be going off to school with a bunch of strangers. He might do better at home with you. Homeschooling is easy at that age, and you'll find some companionship where it's easier for you to supervise his interactions with other kids. Just a thought!
One last thing: keep in mind that he might just be a difficult child at this age and you might just have to struggle through it. There may be nothing terribly wrong with him. With your love and guidance he'll grow out of it soon enough.
I agree with western pilgrim above, punishments need to be quick and consistant. Two weeks of toys gone is beyond his comprehension right now.
What has worked for me is:
Tell him exactly what he did was wrong (at school) and why in one sentence:
tell him what he did, tell him we don't do that, tell him it's wrong, tell him what to do:
• You hit Billy, we don't hit, that is wrong, if Billy hit you you tell the teacher.
• You pushed Mary, we don't push, that is wrong, if Mary pushed you you tell the teacher.
Tell him he will be punished, and have a time out to think about apologizing.
Even if he apologizes he needs the punishment of time out:
A quick swat and set down to time out. Face the wall, no talking no reading no seeing the tv, etc.
Time out for one minute for every year old, thus 6 minutes.
If he gets up, then the time out starts over.
Then when the buzzer rings, time is up.
Tell him he has to say he is sorry and for what he is sorry:
•I'm sorry I hit Billy, that was wrong.
If he does not, Time out starts over.
When he does apologize thank him, then he gets a big hug and kiss and told what a good boy he is.
This done every time without fail will soon deter such behavior. But it has to be established now, not later when he is 10. The first few times might be a battle but when he sees you are determined and he will not win it will soon settle down. He will know the routine and know that it is waiting for him if he misbehaves again. It's not too long, difficult or severe.
As he ages, 10 years or so, then you add taking things away, but still layout exactly what he does, for how long and how he gets it back.
Once he has his time outs in order you might consider some physical discipline as Karate. He has had a lot of change and that disturbs kids. He needs a healthy way to vent and use up his stored emotions. Have you tried Karate or a variation of that? It is good discipline, a little spendy but worth it. It teaches respect and control of emotions in difficult situations and not just hitting other kids because he is mad. Being an only it's hard to learn to get along and to bear rejection. He will learn all that as well if you find a good instructor. Good luck.
At that age, the consequences - whether spanking, time outs, or whatever else - need to happen immediately when the offense occurs, and they need to be consistently applied, or they will seem arbitrary and unfair to him. That could cause him a lot of internal grief and confusion.
I also think that two weeks may be too long for any punishment to be helpful to a 6 y/o.
Does he watch television? If so, what does he see?
Also, if he has a lot of rock music in his life (or similar genres like hip hop), that can make for a volatile and impulsive personality in some children.
I have noticed similar problems in my godson, whose parents have a difficult marriage. The child sees a lot unhappiness and fighting at home between the parents.
When he's home with you, maybe set up some regular play time with another child or two with you supervising?
My personal opinion - 6 y/o children are pretty young to be going off to school with a bunch of strangers. He might do better at home with you. Homeschooling is easy at that age, and you'll find some companionship where it's easier for you to supervise his interactions with other kids. Just a thought!
One last thing: keep in mind that he might just be a difficult child at this age and you might just have to struggle through it. There may be nothing terribly wrong with him. With your love and guidance he'll grow out of it soon enough.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye
I agree with western pilgrim above, punishments need to be quick and consistant. Two weeks of toys gone is beyond his comprehension right now.
What has worked for me is:
Tell him exactly what he did was wrong (at school) and why in one sentence:
tell him what he did, tell him we don't do that, tell him it's wrong, tell him what to do:
• You hit Billy, we don't hit, that is wrong, if Billy hit you you tell the teacher.
• You pushed Mary, we don't push, that is wrong, if Mary pushed you you tell the teacher.
Tell him he will be punished, and have a time out to think about apologizing.
Even if he apologizes he needs the punishment of time out:
A quick swat and set down to time out. Face the wall, no talking no reading no seeing the tv, etc.
Time out for one minute for every year old, thus 6 minutes.
If he gets up, then the time out starts over.
Then when the buzzer rings, time is up.
Tell him he has to say he is sorry and for what he is sorry:
•I'm sorry I hit Billy, that was wrong.
If he does not, Time out starts over.
When he does apologize thank him, then he gets a big hug and kiss and told what a good boy he is.
This done every time without fail will soon deter such behavior. But it has to be established now, not later when he is 10. The first few times might be a battle but when he sees you are determined and he will not win it will soon settle down. He will know the routine and know that it is waiting for him if he misbehaves again. It's not too long, difficult or severe.
As he ages, 10 years or so, then you add taking things away, but still layout exactly what he does, for how long and how he gets it back.
PLEASE help me see the logic in the bolded.
How can you say that on one hand and spank the child with the other? How can you teach a child not to hit by hitting?
I don't get it. I just don't. WP says his godson is aggressive because his parents are fighting at home - in other words he's acting like his parents. If a kid is hitting and you're trying to teach that hitting is wrong, why would you then do the very thing you advocate is wrong??
OP I think your son needs more social exposure. Organize play dates, sign him up for a TEAM sport, enroll him in scouts, etc. Kids learn social skills in social environments, and by your own admission, he hasn't had much of that. It's not too late, but it's very important.
I agree. I needs more organized play or sports. We have not been here that long but I will find something for him to do. Scouts sound good as well as some marchal arts sports. He has not had much interaction other kids than school and on the playground. I know he suffers now beacuse of it.
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What else can I do?
