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At 26, I finally told my mom I'm a lesbian. Her response, "I always knew."
All the anxiety, crying, depression, suicidal thoughts, and mental anguish that has plagued me for YEARS because I thought she wouldn't accept me, only to find out she always knew?
Would it have been so difficult to, during my extremely traumatic childhood, to just sit me down and say something to the effect of, "honey, I'll always love you no matter your sexual orientation, you have nothing to fear".
Those simple words would have alleviated a lot of suffering on my part. And yet, when I talk to other LGBT gay people, I hear this as a recurring theme. That mom and/or dad suspected but never said anything.
Why do parents do this to their children? Given how homophobic society is, if you can obviously tell your kid is gay, why would you make it that much harder on them by having them doubt your love?
I am generalizing greatly here, but I think a parent who suspects their child is gay is perhaps going to be reluctant to to label them prior to the child figuring it out for themselves. Now whether or not this is the right thing to do is very hard to say.
I agree with Zimbo, for one, but OP, somewhere along the line you must have gotten the impression that your parents would not be accepting. We've always told our kids that they could tell us anything, and they know we have gay friends that we fully support the lifestyle of.
I think in some cases kids don't give their parents enough credit for being open minded. One of my lesbian friends went through an expensive formal wedding to a guy that lasted less than a year. I'm pretty sure her parents would have been grateful if she had spoken up sooner. They had already had a son come out, so she had to know they wouldn't have cut her off.
I don't know that I would broach the subject of sexuality with my sons without cause. I always thought it was enough to let them know being gay wouldn't bother us. But to come out and pointedly ask would have to be the result of seeing what you experienced, anguish, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. I would want to know why my child was in pain.
Parents always know things. My coworker has suspected her son to be gay for a long time and he defiantly came out. Me personally, I don't see it as my business to comment on someone' else sexuality.
I doubt most parents WANT it to be true that their kid is gay, so maybe it is denial or wishful thinking that perhaps they are wrong - that the kid will be straight . . .stranger things probably have happened.
I am generalizing greatly here, but I think a parent who suspects their child is gay is perhaps going to be reluctant to to label them prior to the child figuring it out for themselves. Now whether or not this is the right thing to do is very hard to say.
The OP isn't complaining that her mother didn't tell her she was gay, but that she knew her daughter was gay and didn't make her opinions about being gay known. I think my kids are probably straight, but I still make a point of modelling acceptance and inclusive language/actions for them. It will serve two purposes, make them nice people, and let them know I will love them, no matter who they sleep with.
OP, maybe she wasn't always accepting, and only recently realised she loves you unconditionally? We're there any opportunities for her to show her opinions?
Directed towards the OP…
It is not up to your parents to name your sexuality.
WE AS parents can see, observe and suspect however before “labeling” and therefore being “wrong” therefore delivering yet another teenage stereo-type on our children and causing more paranoia on an already paranoid teen? No good.
So to you..by your mother not confessing earlier in your life that she was aware that you may be a lesbian was devastating? I would state you were hyper sensitive..
The fact that your mother was not “trying to change you” should have been consoling enough. The fact that she did not tell you what you should like ( This being boys) should have meant acceptance.
You have a mouth, hell we all do, and we can use it whenever we choose, placing blame on our parents because they did not confirm our inner most thoughts? Outlandish, no one person is a mind reader.
All a parent can do, especially the parent of a teen and being a teen once myself, if there was something I wanted my mom to know? And it was important to me? I would have told her.
Conversation and communication is a two way street.
I have seen the opposite believe me.
My brother in law has a son from a different mother,
MY SISTER became involved with my bro in law since she was 21, we are now 38.
It was easy to see the differences between my bro in laws son and my nephew ( They are one year apart)
His son was suspected to be gay since he was 3.
And now? He is 22. And has no g/f, he has been seen with older men, holding hands and kissing, our observations have been true.
His father never wanted it to seem like a big deal and kept the same relationship with his son as always.
However the day his son turned 19 ( 3 years ago) he no longer comes arounds unless he needs money, a tune up on his car or medical care. He has 2 brothers from his mothers side and a brother and a sister on my sisters side and he never shows for functions.
WHY? My bro in laws family are traditional pacific islanders and they make homosexuality sound like the devil incarnate and a joke. His son does not feel welcome at functions and now he can control the interaction.
His father does nothing in the way of having the conversation with his son nor is acceptance in the works..it is kind of like “You’re a ***? Cool, just keep it away from me”
Now this is not acceptance. You have it good, why complain?
At 26, I finally told my mom I'm a lesbian. Her response, "I always knew."
All the anxiety, crying, depression, suicidal thoughts, and mental anguish that has plagued me for YEARS because I thought she wouldn't accept me, only to find out she always knew?
Would it have been so difficult to, during my extremely traumatic childhood, to just sit me down and say something to the effect of, "honey, I'll always love you no matter your sexual orientation, you have nothing to fear".
Those simple words would have alleviated a lot of suffering on my part. And yet, when I talk to other LGBT gay people, I hear this as a recurring theme. That mom and/or dad suspected but never said anything.
Why do parents do this to their children? Given how homophobic society is, if you can obviously tell your kid is gay, why would you make it that much harder on them by having them doubt your love?
I have nothing to add except this----be thankful your mom is accepting and supportive. Live in the now and let the past be just that.
Why do parents do this to their children? Given how homophobic society is, if you can obviously tell your kid is gay, why would you make it that much harder on them by having them doubt your love?
Society is judgmental in a lot of ways. Your issue with your mother is more of a communication problem. And what has your mother done to make you think that she would judge you or love you less?
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