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no this is her first offense and it was a total shock to us. Honestly, though that actually just makes me more frustrated since she was doing well in life and then decided to participate in illegal activities. Now her entire life might be ruined and education gone to waste. She also now embarrassed herself and her entire family
Yes she did. It's done and over with and nothing can change what has happened. How will you handle this for the years to come?
I will tell you my experience, differnet, but similar, my Mother grew up in a strict, religious home, at age 14, she got pregnant. She had the baby, me, did not want a baby, her parents "forced" her to keep me, as "punishment" for her "sin". They never forgave her, treated her like she was "damaged goods", for the rest of her life.
It was dysfunctional for everyone. Try to move forward, towards a positive relationship with your daughter.
I think it's quite possible to feel sympathy for the plight of another, even if it is done of their own hand. I don't blame OP for not being sympathetic, but for people like bg7 who feel that being sympathetic is being weak, I simply do not agree.
You "do not agree" with a strawman of your own creation. I didn't say that feeling sympathy makes one weak. Instead I asserted that showing sympathy for her will inevitably make her think SHE has been wronged. She hasn't been wronged.
But she will start feeling that as soon as you show sympathy.
You "do not agree" with a strawman of your own creation. I didn't say that feeling sympathy makes one weak. Instead I asserted that showing sympathy for her will inevitably make her think SHE has been wronged. She hasn't been wronged.
But she will start feeling that as soon as you show sympathy.
I don't agree with that at all. If you tell your child that she committed the crime, she broke the law, she needs to take responsibility for her choices BUT you will still love her and not turn your back on her for this, that's not the same thing as letting her off the hook.
Only a co-dependent would think that. And, the OP is asking for your opinion. I am not.
You can dislike what a person has done, but that doesn't mean you can't show them that you love and care and intend to support them and their positive changes.
BULL HOCKEY, anyone who is NOT codependent would have similiar thoughts and feelings. I would have no sympathy for her at all, she chose to commit a crime, she got caught, she goes to prison, ALL HER CHOICE. If there are no positive changes it is tough to show your love, care and support. It appears the Original Poster has already tried to show how she will support her child getting on the non criminal side of society yet her child CHOSE to continue to commit crimes and now she is going to jail.
If one does nothing to change their actions and make things more positive there is nothing for anyone else to support.
You "do not agree" with a strawman of your own creation. I didn't say that feeling sympathy makes one weak. Instead I asserted that showing sympathy for her will inevitably make her think SHE has been wronged. She hasn't been wronged.
But she will start feeling that as soon as you show sympathy.
You can't possibly know that. She is a human being that made a mistake. Treating her like a dog, telling her you can't care what happens to her, etc will not help her.
I have a friend in prison right now. Didn't feel to bad for him for going to jail, but it's not like I'm going to treat him any differently. He knows he screwed up, and he's an overall good guy. It doesn't make me not like him. But I"m not gonna feed him any sympathy over it, other than to say "I'm sorry you're going through this."
You can be angry or disappointed with your kid, but if you withhold love because of that, well, that's messed up. One can provide emotional support and love without enabling.
my 22 year old daughter is going to prison for one year for fraud related charges. I told her I can't really feel any sympathy for her because she committed the crime and this is the punishment she was given. I never taught her to participate in illegal activities,And maybe it will be a good learning experience for her and toughen her up. Is this too harsh? Am I a bad person for saying this?
is there anything else I should tell her before she goes?
You're not a bad person to feel the way you do, though if it were my child she would have all the sympathy I could give her...I don't know what kind of fraud crime she did, but I do know that a lot of "moneyed" people commit huge crimes of fraud and get away with it, but then your daughter is young, and not rich, so she'll do the time....for that reason she has my sympathies
Good grief - concern for the fate of an offender is not enabling and does not mean that one is codependent, nor will it make the offender think s/he is not culpable. Actually, the belief that the offender can't accept responsibility for his or her own acts unless others express disdain seems a bit codependent to me.
I failed academically as a young adult and did all sorts of other things that disappointed my family, and I am grateful that they loved me unconditionally through all of it. It has not caused me to blame others for my shortcomings but has instead humbled me and made me hope to be able to show others even half as much grace as was given to me.
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She is a human being that made a mistake. Treating her like a dog, telling her you can't care what happens to her, etc will not help her.