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There are two dynamics going on here, the behavior of and between the two boys, and the OPs relationship with the very nice mother of the older boy.
And this is also where your solution lies. Tell the older boy that he is too old to play with a 3 year old and suggest he play with kids his own age, and enforce it. You could tell him he will have more fun with the other 5 year olds. Hard to say if he will or not, given his behavior, but he needs to find this out. This solution protects your son from the older boy; it protects your relationship with the other boy's mother because you aren't criticizing her parenting skills; and it will force the older boy to develop social skills with his own age group where he can't always get his own way.
But I don't have kids, so this could amount to a whole lot of bupkis.
There are two dynamics going on here, the behavior of and between the two boys, and the OPs relationship with the very nice mother of the older boy.
And this is also where your solution lies. Tell the older boy that he is too old to play with a 3 year old and suggest he play with kids his own age, and enforce it. You could tell him he will have more fun with the other 5 year olds. Hard to say if he will or not, given his behavior, but he needs to find this out. This solution protects your son from the older boy; it protects your relationship with the other boy's mother because you aren't criticizing her parenting skills; and it will force the older boy to develop social skills with his own age group where he can't always get his own way.
But I don't have kids, so this could amount to a whole lot of bupkis.
That's a solution, but really not a good one. What if there are no other older kids at the park that day? Aside from that 5 is not that much older than 3 and a 5 year old should be able to play with a three year old without causing trouble.
The 3 year old probably really wants to play with the older boy too.
Yes, IKB it is a case of bullying. It may also be a case of misbehavior. I honestly don't know why you want to quibble over semantics like this. I think its important to see it for what it is because a child like this will probably have a predisposition in the future for other acts of bullying.
You have no idea if that is true or not about being "predisposed" to anything. The five year olds behavior is normal for his age. It is normal for children that age to lack empathy which is why the mother should be teaching it.
And the reason I want to quibble is because I am familiar with the psychological development of children. A five year old is no more capable of "bullying" than an infant is of willfully disobeying. And, I am familiar with the real actions and consequences of bullying.
This 5 yo is not "bad" is not a "bully" but rather is a normal 5 yo acting as one without any boundaries being set by his parent.
The parent of the 3 yo also needs to be careful not to set their child up with a victim mentality.
Get down to the boy's level, look him straight in the eyes and say "no, you must play nicely, don't take his toy (or whatever) and say "it is not nice and not the way for a big boy like you to behave." If the mum objects say something like, "well, he keeps doing it, upsets my son, etc." You need to stop this nonsense or your son will start to become nervous and it may upset him in the near future.
You have no idea if that is true or not about being "predisposed" to anything. The five year olds behavior is normal for his age. It is normal for children that age to lack empathy which is why the mother should be teaching it.
And the reason I want to quibble is because I am familiar with the psychological development of children. A five year old is no more capable of "bullying" than an infant is of willfully disobeying. And, I am familiar with the real actions and consequences of bullying.
This 5 yo is not "bad" is not a "bully" but rather is a normal 5 yo acting as one without any boundaries being set by his parent.
The parent of the 3 yo also needs to be careful not to set their child up with a victim mentality.
Firstly . thank you for you response and input, i appreciate your views... but there is no need to argue over anything . We are grown people and if we have different opinions that's fine too.
I asked for advice, based on whatt i am seeing happen between these kids. and too me this 5 year old is behaving in bullying ways.. jsut like an older child who tries to bring down another child his age or younger etc and possibly if he isn't corrected now then he will be a "TRUE" bully ( in your terms) when he gets older.
but we don't have to stoop to arguing over our different opinions.
I don't speak about it in front of my son.. i don't tell him that he is being bullied.. i simply try to make sure he knows that being hit or treated badly by anyone is not right .
beacuse of the relationship with the boys mother , i am feeling a bit torn as to what to do..and decided to ask for advice from other parents who may have gone through similar things.
I want the best for my son and because i see that this little boy is very set on breaking him down by telling him mean things and hitting him constantly.. ( no other 5 year old that i know behaves this way that i know)
so i used the term bullying because this boys behaviour is really cruel and he is very aware of what he is doing. I want the best for both kids. and i agree that a 5 year old needs guidance and this is why i asked for advice.. instead of jsut getting mad and taking my child away.. i wanted something good to come out of this situation and hopefully teach my son something valuable- beacuse there will be more situation that he will have to face in this life and i want him to be strong and confident.
nothing much .. she doesn't correct him.. but i dont know if she disciplines her son appropriately...
You are incredibly diplomatic and kind. I can say for certain that she does NOT discipline her child appropriately.
I would be absolutely mortified if I saw either of my children exhibiting that behavior, and I would correct it immediately and consistently. That is what parenting is all about.
The fact that you are made uncomfortable by this situation should tell you a lot. Do NOT feel bad about making a change, either tell the parent/your friend what you are thinking, or remove your child from that situation. If I was sitting idly by and letting my child bully another, I would appreciate the wake-up call from a friend telling me that was unacceptable.
You are incredibly diplomatic and kind. I can say for certain that she does NOT discipline her child appropriately.
I would be absolutely mortified if I saw either of my children exhibiting that behavior, and I would correct it immediately and consistently. That is what parenting is all about.
The fact that you are made uncomfortable by this situation should tell you a lot. Do NOT feel bad about making a change, either tell the parent/your friend what you are thinking, or remove your child from that situation. If I was sitting idly by and letting my child bully another, I would appreciate the wake-up call from a friend telling me that was unacceptable.
Petlover
Yes , i couldn't imagine letting my kids treat other kids this way and not discipline them and make sure they stop. And i have decided to talk to my friend and let her know how i feel and how my son has been beahving as a result of being around her son.. I know that it wont be the easiest thing to do.. but we are great freiends and i know that she will understand.. and I know that something positive will come of this situation.
I want her son to learn too , so that he doesn't have a hard time growing up either.
I would suggest that you say something when the situation occurs. Like when Johnny takes away the toy and you are watching you may want to say to the mother, "I think Johnny just snatched the toy from my son could you please get it back for him". Every time Johnny does something that you see to your son have the mother take the appropriate action. If she does nothing then I would let her know that maybe you need to take care of it she does not and you step in and let the little boy know you are watching him. However, make sure that you also compliment him when he is playing with your son the right way.
I would not say anything to her about her son in general and how you feel you are testing the friendship unless you are really great friends. The age thing might come back and bite you.
I stated what it is, its misbehaving. A five year old can't even comprehend what it means to bully, they are not mentally capable of it as they are just learning empathy.
I have two 5 year olds, they understand more than you are giving them credit for. They do really stupid things, yes, but when corrected they learn what not to do. No one is correcting this older child and he thinks what he is doing is fine.
My one some is a bit impulsive, we have been working with him to try to think ahead. I always explain, "How would you like it if someone did this to you?" He gets remorseful after we talk about it. They get it, although may not think about it before they do something dumb.
The bad behavior does need to be pointed out. I would mention something to the Mom, too, if she seems oblivious.
Hi everyone.
I am a mother of a 3 year old boy.. Recently he has been playing with my Best Friends son( 5 years ) who pushes him, slaps him, takes everything from him, as soon as he picks up somthing to play with it, the boy runs and grabs it, doesnt let him play with anything.. He also tells my son that he cant do anything and that only he can. he make it a point to bring down my son.
Yesterday i took my son to the park which we go to almost everyday and he has a real good time playing with his friends, but yesterday the boy( bully) came to play too and my son spent the whole time trying to impress this boy and crying because as usual the boy would tell him that he couldn't do anything. and that he was too small etc.
The mother doesn't really correct her son and i am not sure how to handle this situation. Any advice? should i keep him away or do i teach him how to deal with it.. and how?
1.you shouldn't be calling this 5 year old a bully.
2. Pushing and hitting is unacceptable and should be addressed each time immediately. "Excuse me X I just saw you hit/push Y and that's not okay! Lets go tell your mom what you did so she can handle it.". This lets him know its not acceptable and puts him mother in a position to HAVE to do something.
3. It is very normal for a 5 year old to be proud of his "big kidness" and point out all the things he can do and all these "babies" cant. Its annoying when your kid is the "baby" but it is what it is. You can always respond with "wow X its so cool you can do that! Im sure Y will be able to when hes 5 like you, especially if you help him learn!".
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