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Not to be mean or anything, but just because it's common for women to get dumped on when it comes to chlldcare/household duties doesn't mean we should be like "so what" if one of us is getting dumped on a tiny bit less IMO
Thank you! I know there are women who have it much worse, who work full-time with five kids and support losers who lie around drinking and beat them up, there are women who live with drug addicts and abusers, but so what - is that something to aspire to somehow?? There's always someone worse off. On the other hand there are husbands who work and take care of everything while the wife goes to spas and has full-time nannies etc...the point is, there's all kinds of families out there, I'm not trying to compare 'who has it worse', I'm just trying to find a happy medium for US, in which the workload and parenting is divided in a way that is fair and both of us get some time to relax.
I'm actually very big on dividing things up, making agreements as to who does what and when, exactly. I think that works well for these types of conflicts. However whenever I suggest it to DH he balks, pretty much saying that since he works, it's only his call on how much he helps out and he doesn't want to be held down to anything since ANY time he spends with DS is out of the goodness of his heart only and if he doesn't feel like it at any point, he shouldn't have to do it. I think he's wrong, that having a family means having obligations beyond bringing a paycheck, but I don't know how to get it through to him
As your son has just turned three, now is the perfect time to help him become a little more self-reliant in entertaining himself. For example, sit with him while he makes towers (or whatever) with blocks, then when he becomes a little more competent, tell him to tell you when he's used up all the blocks. Then leave him to it (read a magazine or do a crossword in the same room but detached from him). You'll most likely find he'll start going longer and longer without your involvement (hence giving you little breaks through the day).
My daughter, at that age, used to love 'doing my hair'. I'd sit on the floor with my back against the couch, she'd sit on the couch and brush my hair, pretend to wash it, condition it and rinse it. It was totally delicious. Sometimes it only lasted five minutes, other times she'd be happy for half an hour and I could doze off without her even noticing!
While small children need socialising activities outside the home, they also need to learn how to entertain themselves for short periods of time. This will be especially helpful for you if you do have a second child.
Good luck!
He's actually very good with playing on his own, but I mean I still have to keep an eye on him, answer questions, get his drink, get his snack, remind him to go potty, make sure he doesn't draw on the wall, etc etc, you know what I mean. It's not the same as just being able to shut the door and stretch out on the bed with a book in peace and quiet and know that DS is being entertained and taken care of at the same time. I get to do this maybe a couple of times a year...
He's actually very good with playing on his own, but I mean I still have to keep an eye on him, answer questions, get his drink, get his snack, remind him to go potty, make sure he doesn't draw on the wall, etc etc, you know what I mean. It's not the same as just being able to shut the door and stretch out on the bed with a book in peace and quiet and know that DS is being entertained and taken care of at the same time. I get to do this maybe a couple of times a year...
I vividly remember the first time I left both kids, infant and 2 years, with my husband so I could go shopping. When I got home I found that he'd done a great job entertaining them, but he hadn't put either of them down for a nap. You strike me as a "type A", mildly "OCD" type of a personality. You may need to let some things go. If he doesn't go potty and has an accident, your husband will have to deal with it. It won't be the end of the world.
You didn't answer my question about why your husband doesn't help with bed time.
I'm actually very big on dividing things up, making agreements as to who does what and when, exactly. I think that works well for these types of conflicts. However whenever I suggest it to DH he balks, pretty much saying that since he works, it's only his call on how much he helps out and he doesn't want to be held down to anything since ANY time he spends with DS is out of the goodness of his heart only and if he doesn't feel like it at any point, he shouldn't have to do it. I think he's wrong, that having a family means having obligations beyond bringing a paycheck, but I don't know how to get it through to him
Does your husband handle home maintenance and yard work?
I vividly remember the first time I left both kids, infant and 2 years, with my husband so I could go shopping. When I got home I found that he'd done a great job entertaining them, but he hadn't put either of them down for a nap. You strike me as a "type A", mildly "OCD" type of a personality. You may need to let some things go. If he doesn't go potty and has an accident, your husband will have to deal with it. It won't be the end of the world.
You didn't answer my question about why your husband doesn't help with bed time.
You misread my post, I was referring to being with DS alone during the day, while he plays, in response to the post about him entertaining himself. When I'm alone with him I'm the one responsible for all these things, even if he's playing nicely on his own.
I'm nowhere near type A, lol, in fact probably as far from it as can be. I'm actually very laid back.
When DH watches DS - I couldn't care less what they do, seriously. I'll leave basic instructions, but really as long as he gives me the time off and they're alive and well and house isn't burned down when I'm back, it's all good. DH is the one that gets antsy and doesn't want to do it - precisely because he doesn't want to be doing stuff like cleaning up if DS has an accident, etc. He wants to be able to sit at the computer playing games, and any requests from me to watch DS are met with resentment because they infringe on his computer time. That is really at the base of it.
Does your husband handle home maintenance and yard work?
We live in a rental apartment so there's no yard and any maintenance beyond changing a lightbulb is done by management. He'll set up/deal with electronics and assemble furniture or something when needed, but that's far from a regular occurrence.
You misread my post, I was referring to being with DS alone during the day, while he plays, in response to the post about him entertaining himself. When I'm alone with him I'm the one responsible for all these things, even if he's playing nicely on his own.
I'm nowhere near type A, lol, in fact probably as far from it as can be. I'm actually very laid back.
When DH watches DS - I couldn't care less what they do, seriously. I'll leave basic instructions, but really as long as he gives me the time off and they're alive and well and house isn't burned down when I'm back, it's all good. DH is the one that gets antsy and doesn't want to do it - precisely because he doesn't want to be doing stuff like cleaning up if DS has an accident, etc. He wants to be able to sit at the computer playing games, and any requests from me to watch DS are met with resentment because they infringe on his computer time. That is really at the base of it.
I did misread that. Sorry. You guys need to see a therapist and work out some of these differences. He shouldn't have to "give you time off." He is not the boss. You are not the employee.
You live in an apartment and you stay up cleaning until midnight? That's just not necessary.
EvilCookie, I am so sorry for the way you're feeling. You are not wrong, selfish, inconsiderate, demanding, or any other negative terms. You are a stressed out mother. And that's a lot! I am also a sahm and my kids are a bit older now. It gets so much easier. Please believe me! And the crazy thing? You'll miss the baby/toddler days you're experiencing now more than anything. I had an awful time with my second child. I love her to pieces but she was beyond difficult. She had tons of developmental delays and was frustrated and angry. And she took it all out on me. She is so much better today but still has a difficult personality but what I would give to have her back as a toddler again. I would love her up because I miss her so at that age. Even though she's 8 today I wrap her in a blanket and pretend she's a baby! I kiss her and rock her. But I'm digressing because you're talking about your husband. So back to him.
My husband is wonderful with the kids now that they're older. It was a completely different story when they were little. To be honest, your husband does more than mine did. My husband never, not once, gave the kids a bath or put them to bed. I did everything! I didn't feel as frustrated as you though. That doesn't mean that you are wrong. Your feelings are never wrong. Nobody can ever tell you that they are. I had a lot of frustrations when my kids were little and it's such a stressful time. I didn't have a minute to myself. Try and focus on the time you do have to yourself. The gym, grocery store, during the day when your baby naps.
More than giving you advice I just want to give you support. You will get thought this. You will be okay. None of your feelings are wrong, or whiny. I feel for you. Try opening up to some trusted moms. They probably feel exactly like you do.
I'm nowhere near type A, lol, in fact probably as far from it as can be. I'm actually very laid back.
When DH watches DS - I couldn't care less what they do, seriously. I'll leave basic instructions, but really as long as he gives me the time off and they're alive and well and house isn't burned down when I'm back, it's all good. DH is the one that gets antsy and doesn't want to do it - precisely because he doesn't want to be doing stuff like cleaning up if DS has an accident, etc. He wants to be able to sit at the computer playing games, and any requests from me to watch DS are met with resentment because they infringe on his computer time. That is really at the base of it.
Yep, just like my sister's husband.
Ultimately you're going to have to reach your breaking point and stand your ground. He should not have a trump card... because it's family. Family life should not stop on whim or because it's "inconvenient". You've let him get away with it with having a trump card, tantrums and pouts. Its going to have to be rough because your husband already showed a tendency not to follow through. Basically your husband is being a bully-- stand up for yourself and tell him off and step up. You might have to do what my friend did and just walk off (leaving the child in his care).
Thank you! I know there are women who have it much worse, who work full-time with five kids and support losers who lie around drinking and beat them up, there are women who live with drug addicts and abusers, but so what - is that something to aspire to somehow?? There's always someone worse off. On the other hand there are husbands who work and take care of everything while the wife goes to spas and has full-time nannies etc...the point is, there's all kinds of families out there, I'm not trying to compare 'who has it worse', I'm just trying to find a happy medium for US, in which the workload and parenting is divided in a way that is fair and both of us get some time to relax.
I'm actually very big on dividing things up, making agreements as to who does what and when, exactly. I think that works well for these types of conflicts. However whenever I suggest it to DH he balks, pretty much saying that since he works, it's only his call on how much he helps out and he doesn't want to be held down to anything since ANY time he spends with DS is out of the goodness of his heart only and if he doesn't feel like it at any point, he shouldn't have to do it. I think he's wrong, that having a family means having obligations beyond bringing a paycheck, but I don't know how to get it through to him
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie
You misread my post, I was referring to being with DS alone during the day, while he plays, in response to the post about him entertaining himself. When I'm alone with him I'm the one responsible for all these things, even if he's playing nicely on his own.
I'm nowhere near type A, lol, in fact probably as far from it as can be. I'm actually very laid back.
When DH watches DS - I couldn't care less what they do, seriously. I'll leave basic instructions, but really as long as he gives me the time off and they're alive and well and house isn't burned down when I'm back, it's all good. DH is the one that gets antsy and doesn't want to do it - precisely because he doesn't want to be doing stuff like cleaning up if DS has an accident, etc. He wants to be able to sit at the computer playing games, and any requests from me to watch DS are met with resentment because they infringe on his computer time. That is really at the base of it.
The root of your problem is actually that you and your husband are trying to get more free time as much as possible from each other, and both of you define "free time" as without your son. He has some free time and you resent that he spends this on computer games. You have some free time, not so much from your POV and definitely less when your parents were around, but it's still more than most mothers and you are still unable to explain how exactly taking care of ONE child in an apartment will result to such hardwork and stress you out so much. Aside from cooking dinner and taking care of your son in the evening, why can't you finish the other chores when your husband is at work? Unless your son has some special needs, what is making you so tired? Many women have FT jobs with more children and still have sex with their husbands. You need to work this out with your husband. Both of you have to mature and stop outdoing each other on who can sleep till noon on weekends. I only have sympathy for your son, on why you both seem to hate spending time with him so much.
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