Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I mean I know consistency is important but it is to have a situation with different house = different rules and routine?
The situation is that I have a two year old and I share custody with her father. He has her for 10 days/nights a month. He doesn't keep the same routine as I do (its a very loose routine but I try to get her in bed at roughly the same time every night and have dinner at roughly the same time every day) and he is much more lenient in regards to discipline (pretty much if she throws a tantrum then he gives her what she wants).
Can this kind of situation work out ok? Her behaviour has gone worse lately but I'm thinking that might be because of the terrible twos as she's at that age but she is definitely worse for the first day or so after coming back from her dad's (and her sleep is much much worse - its half nine at night now and she's still awake, her dad dropped her off a few hours ago).
I have tried talking to him about keeping things as similar as possible but he doesn't listen - he thinks his way is the right way but he won't even tell me his way so I could try adjusting things at home to make it more similar.
I have a home daycare and I care for 5 kids 2 to 4 years old. I have had these kids since they were one year old. Now, of course I cannot control anything about their care when they are not here, just as you can't. These kids are wonderful with me but their own moms have many difficulties with them at home. I'm quite sure the main diference is that I'm very consistent and very routine. We have very established eating times, sleeping times, play times etc. That is not to say we do nothing spontainously. We do things outside of the routine like going to the park if the weather is nice. Taking a trip out for lunch and the playhouse at McDees etc. Children thrive on routine, it gives them a gret deal of security. Their moms really think I'm the child whisperer and I can't get it through their heads that the more chaotic and far less routine life they offer their kids create the very problems they complain to me about.
The fact they have this lack of routine at home does not seem to cause the kids to reject it here at my house where they spend half their lives. With their own moms they might have a tantrum if they don't get their way, knowing it could change the outcome. With me, they almost never ever act in that manner because they know full well it will make no difference at all to the outcome. The kids know I love them and care about the best thing for them and we discuss these things. Even a two year old is far smarter than you may think.
My kids thrive on their routine. In fact, they go to sleep right after dinner, and will throw a fit if we try to keep them up a bit later, the one year old banging on the gate to climb the stairs! In your shoes, I'd have a discussion with the father on working out some sort of consistent routine you both can live with - but even if he refuses, keep one at your house. If anything, hopefully it will work out like lucknow says - your child will behave when at your home, and this might get her father to start reconsidering.
I mean I know consistency is important but it is to have a situation with different house = different rules and routine?
The situation is that I have a two year old and I share custody with her father. He has her for 10 days/nights a month. He doesn't keep the same routine as I do (its a very loose routine but I try to get her in bed at roughly the same time every night and have dinner at roughly the same time every day) and he is much more lenient in regards to discipline (pretty much if she throws a tantrum then he gives her what she wants).
Can this kind of situation work out ok? Her behaviour has gone worse lately but I'm thinking that might be because of the terrible twos as she's at that age but she is definitely worse for the first day or so after coming back from her dad's (and her sleep is much much worse - its half nine at night now and she's still awake, her dad dropped her off a few hours ago).
I have tried talking to him about keeping things as similar as possible but he doesn't listen - he thinks his way is the right way but he won't even tell me his way so I could try adjusting things at home to make it more similar.
Let it go. It's not ideal, but the world is also not ideal. Much more important for you to have as pleasant a relationship as possible with her father than for her to have a consistent bedtime. As long as she gets enough sleep she'll be fine. You might be exhausted, but she'll be fine.
I am trying to keep her routine but it can be impossible on the days he returns her if he has let her have a nap (she doesn't nap at mine anymore) because then she is just not tired enough at bedtime. I'll try talking to him again, though I don't think he's even capable of sticking to a routine even if he wanted to. He doesn't mind her behaviour, he just says its nice to see her showing her will, though I expect it'll start to bother him when she gets older and more determined.
I'm just worried that the lack of routine will stress her out. When things were more mixed up she stopped eating and sleeping properly and her nurse told me it was because of stress from lack of routine, I don't want that to happen again.
Let it go. It's not ideal, but the world is also not ideal. Much more important for you to have as pleasant a relationship as possible with her father than for her to have a consistent bedtime. As long as she gets enough sleep she'll be fine. You might be exhausted, but she'll be fine.
I'm sure she gets enough sleep - if she goes to bed late then she gets up late so I'm not worried about that. Just worried that she'll get confused and stressed.
You're right about the importance of the relationship with the father, I don't want to argue with him, I just want to talk nicely to him about it.
I am trying to keep her routine but it can be impossible on the days he returns her if he has let her have a nap (she doesn't nap at mine anymore) because then she is just not tired enough at bedtime. I'll try talking to him again, though I don't think he's even capable of sticking to a routine even if he wanted to. He doesn't mind her behaviour, he just says its nice to see her showing her will, though I expect it'll start to bother him when she gets older and more determined.
I'm just worried that the lack of routine will stress her out. When things were more mixed up she stopped eating and sleeping properly and her nurse told me it was because of stress from lack of routine, I don't want that to happen again.
I have never heard of lack of routine causing a child to stop eating or sleeping. Be wary of advice on children from nurses. My child has never had a routine because my husband and I have crazy work schedules. If he ever wants to see his father he has to stay up pretty late, but then some mornings he has to wake up early and then ends up sleeping in the car and not being able to go to sleep at night, and so on. We can't fix it because we can't change our own schedules, so we deal with it. He's a normal height, weight and is doing well in school, so the lack of routine hasn't hurt him too much.
Kids are smart. Listen to Lucknow, she's correct. Kids know and understand each person's expectations... And of course they will test it which is really where the consistency comes in.
I was my nephew's caretaker when my sister went back to work. He got routine when he was with me, and almost no routine when he's at home. He was never confused, though admittedly, Monday was a bit hard as he needed a simple re-adjustment. But that's the point of routine. When your daughter comes back, just work through it. The ex only has her 10 days a month-- that's really not a lot to derail your way. Your ex-husband is going to see you as being controlling, trying to have influence over what you can't control.
I have never heard of lack of routine causing a child to stop eating or sleeping. Be wary of advice on children from nurses. My child has never had a routine because my husband and I have crazy work schedules. If he ever wants to see his father he has to stay up pretty late, but then some mornings he has to wake up early and then ends up sleeping in the car and not being able to go to sleep at night, and so on. We can't fix it because we can't change our own schedules, so we deal with it. He's a normal height, weight and is doing well in school, so the lack of routine hasn't hurt him too much.
Well she did start to eat and sleep better after I got her into a routine but that could just be coincidence. I know not all children need routine, me and my brothers never had a routine either but I did see a definite change in her after getting her into a routine. Oh and it wasn't the lack of routine itself that stopped her eating and sleeping but it was an extreme lack of any normality (was a very difficult custody situation at the time) but it seemed the routine helped her deal with the other problems.
I just wanted to point out a potential downside of an extremely routine life. My sister and I were raised in a home that couldn't have been more routine. Every possible thing had it's place, time and expectations. I think this created in the both of us a lifelong weakness in dealing with change and disruption.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
