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If so how do your resolve them? Do you attempt to find middle ground? Or does one of you end up giving up and going along parenting decisions you might not agree with?
If so how do your resolve them? Do you attempt to find middle ground? Or does one of you end up giving up and going along parenting decisions you might not agree with?
Our daughter hasn't arrived yet, but based on some discussions I see that my husband and I do have some differing parenting views. Fortunately, we don't appear to be equally passionate when we come across differences, so yielding seems like it will be easier. I hope!
Our daughter hasn't arrived yet, but based on some discussions I see that my husband and I do have some differing parenting views. Fortunately, we don't appear to be equally passionate when we come across differences, so yielding seems like it will be easier. I hope!
Good luck with your daughter. When our kids were babies we had preferences, but ended up sort of going with the flow with some things instead of sticking with certain views.
Me and my child's father had some different views on parenting. Mostly we went with what I thought was best because I was the one doing the research and I was the one taking care of her the most. He did stick his foot down once, on the way to settle her to sleep, but after a couple days of doing things his way and it not working he backed down. Now that we've split up but share custody we both just go with our own ways in our own home but I'm hoping in the future we'll be able to discuss things and agree more.
Definitely a good conversation to have before the kid gets here, Braunwyn.
Education is a big one in our house, and my perspective prevails as I feel really strongly about it. So the kids aren't in public school, because I wasn't satisfied with the ones in our district.
Chores and structure are also sticky ones, and I tend to give in here, mainly because he works at home and has to deal with them more than I do. (When I'm off or work from home because he's out of town, our kids know that the rules change - they're very aware of our different style. I don't typically let the dishes slide, for example, and I keep track of boring minutiae better than my husband, who's much better at big-picture parenting)
We had the benefit of stepkids (his kids) to work out the kinks first, before my own kids came along
Definitely recommend sitting down and discussing the big ones, though - chores, education, discipline, consequences+punishment, online, dating, cars. They change as the kids age. Mine are now at the electronics/cellphones/what level of video game maturity/do we want to keystroke-log their every online move, etc. Again, we have very different perspectives and we're working those through as we go along, as the technology has changed so much that the stepkid experience didn't help us here.
Good luck with your daughter. When our kids were babies we had preferences, but ended up sort of going with the flow with some things instead of sticking with certain views.
Thanks. That's really what I have been learning all along. From the pregnancy to the impending birth (within the next 12 days). Going with the flow is nature's and my daughter's demand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gettingouttahere
Definitely a good conversation to have before the kid gets here, Braunwyn.
Education is a big one in our house, and my perspective prevails as I feel really strongly about it. So the kids aren't in public school, because I wasn't satisfied with the ones in our district.
All of your examples are great and this is how we seem to be approaching it as well. He feels strongly about Catholic school, or at least no Catholic school. He went, had a horrific time. I'm not attached to it. OTOH, he would prefer public school, but unless we move to Wellesley or one of the similar insanely expensive districts in MA, she will not go to public school. It will be private. He's ok with that. So, it's ebb and flow with how we feel. Then there's always the differences between what we want, or think we want, and what we can put into practice. I always thought he would be the spoiler, but when we got a dog I found I had my own issues to contend with that he doesn't!
Definitely a good conversation to have before the kid gets here, Braunwyn.
Education is a big one in our house, and my perspective prevails as I feel really strongly about it. So the kids aren't in public school, because I wasn't satisfied with the ones in our district.
Chores and structure are also sticky ones, and I tend to give in here, mainly because he works at home and has to deal with them more than I do. (When I'm off or work from home because he's out of town, our kids know that the rules change - they're very aware of our different style. I don't typically let the dishes slide, for example, and I keep track of boring minutiae better than my husband, who's much better at big-picture parenting)
We had the benefit of stepkids (his kids) to work out the kinks first, before my own kids came along
Definitely recommend sitting down and discussing the big ones, though - chores, education, discipline, consequences+punishment, online, dating, cars. They change as the kids age. Mine are now at the electronics/cellphones/what level of video game maturity/do we want to keystroke-log their every online move, etc. Again, we have very different perspectives and we're working those through as we go along, as the technology has changed so much that the stepkid experience didn't help us here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn
Thanks. That's really what I have been learning all along. From the pregnancy to the impending birth (within the next 12 days). Going with the flow is nature's and my daughter's demand.
All of your examples are great and this is how we seem to be approaching it as well. He feels strongly about Catholic school, or at least no Catholic school. He went, had a horrific time. I'm not attached to it. OTOH, he would prefer public school, but unless we move to Wellesley or one of the similar insanely expensive districts in MA, she will not go to public school. It will be private. He's ok with that. So, it's ebb and flow with how we feel. Then there's always the differences between what we want, or think we want, and what we can put into practice. I always thought he would be the spoiler, but when we got a dog I found I had my own issues to contend with that he doesn't!
OK, these two kind of go together, so I'll reply to both as one. It's a good idea to discuss some things in advance, I guess, but I found the difference of opinion tended to crop up as we went along. You may think, Braunwyn, that you've settled the ed issue for now, but you both may feel differently in 5 1/2 years. Just one example. With chores, you may feel (as I did) that asking your kid to do something means do it "now" (now being somewhat relative), but your DH may feel it's OK as long as they get it done by say, the end of the day. I found that "later" seldom came, and if I wanted the trash taken out, for ex, I usually wanted it done within the next few minutes. Just a few examples. I do think it's important to back each other up at least in front of the kids.
If so how do your resolve them? Do you attempt to find middle ground? Or does one of you end up giving up and going along parenting decisions you might not agree with?
Probably all of the above over the course of raising 2 kids to adulthood. What matters more, in my opinion, aren't the differences but the similarities. Are you on the same page for the important things even if you see how to get there differently from time to time. Hopefully those things were discussed prior to making the decision to have children. But I can't imagine that couple can go through raising children with nary a disagreement on how to best handle a situation.
We are in agreement about fundamental stuff. The difference is in the amount of importance we place on things, and how things are "enforced".
I am the enforcer around here. My wife is more laid back and less likely to notice things, so I end up being the one who says something/issues a consequence/nags/whatever. Sucks to be the bad guy all the time. She totally backs me up when there is an issue but the thing is, I am the one who noticed the 'issue' in the first place, most likely.
My husband and I have very different parenting styles, having WAY different childhoods.
His: very, very laid-back, hippie (divorced) parents. Manners were never emphasized, no curfews, lots of freedom.
Mine: very, very strict South American parents. Males could not call my house, every adult is a potential pervert (so no Girl Scouts, field trips, etc.)
While our upbringing was very different, we have very similar values. He thinks being raised in such a laid-back environment amounts to laziness on the part of his parents (who were busy dating others after their divorce). So he was not set on using the same methods on his future kids. I, of course, hated being raised in such a strict environment and did not intend the same for my kids so I moved to the center.
We have four kids (ages 7 to 13). Issues that we discuss:
1) discipline
2) academics
3) chores
4) volunteerism
5) extra-curriculars (including athletics)
6) interacting with others (friends, teachers, family)
7) manners
8) religion
9) health
10) environment
My husband and I do not see eye-to-eye on accomplishing all of the above. We want our kids to succeed in all those categories - but how we get them there may be a bit different for my husband and I.
Different parenting styles balance out the kids. I am tempted to interject sometimes (esp. when I think my way is better - lol). Most of the time I resist and think it's good for my kids to see that there are different ways of doing things.
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