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Get him to do volunteer work for Habitat for Humanity. They build homes for the poor and construction worker types volunteer their time to help. They would be good role models for your son and might just get him interested in doing something construction related.
And it may turn out he hates that type of thing... Then good! Part of learning what you want to do is trying different things and also learning what you DON'T want to do!
If he has any interest in electronics/computers, get him a "Basic Stamp" from Radio Shack. You can learn to connect lights and so forth and write a program to make the lights flash. That might get him interested in electronics, computers, or programming. (Or he may hate it and then know something else he does not want to do!)
And maybe sign him up for an automotive repair class at a community college. Maybe he would be interested in that?
There are all sorts of classes you can take at a community college and just take the one class. Cooking, construction related, electronics, automotive, writing, music, and on and on. Perhaps one of those might spark an interest?
Your son maybe has to learn one thing. That one thing is that sitting home, being supported by mom and dad while he does absolutely nothing is not an option.
As parents you can give him options. I would give him four options.
join the military
leave the house and get his own apartment, how he supports himself is his choice
stay home, enroll in college or community college full time
stay home, go to trade school full time
He's still not eighteen, so still very young. But I'd give him no more than 4-5 months to decide which option he wants. In that period of time you will offer to help him go to life counseling, career counseling, whatever to help him explore and discover interests and aptitudes..
Doing nothing is not one of his options. You will have to be very firm. He may even test you on that and you have to be willing to shove him out the door and change the locks. If you don't he may be there in 20 years still doing nothing. If doing nothing is his choice, then he can do it in a homeless shelter and soup kitchen. Sometimes the very real world needs to intrude in a young man's life as a wake up call. In other words, don't make doing nothing comfortable for him. Never be an enabler.
PS- he can be on your health insurance until he's 26, even if he doesn't live at home. As of 2010, under the Affordable Care Act, if your health plan offers coverage for dependents, it must extend coverage to age 26.
Charge him market rent. If he refuses to pay, let him stay in the backyard. This is a very common trend today. People are lazy because they are given the opportunity. What he needs is a swift kick in the behind so he can land on his own feet. Being allowed to stay at his parents house and not work is the worst possible thing for me. (Worst possible thing that isn't inhumane)
Is he in decent shape? You might suggest he enroll in the military. They are incredible at giving people a swift kick in the ***. Most times when people fail for not trying what they really need is structure and expectations to live up to. Honestly, I see this problem far too often and I'm not willing to invest the time to fix others anymore. I'll give their loved ones the tools to do it, and I would do it for my own kids. Too often I've taken on projects with people that simply needed to spend a few days without food or shelter to realize that providing for themselves was their job.
Edit: If he can not find a job, you still need to charge rent. You might offer to accept something like 60 hours/month of volunteer work (but he has to bring something home signed by the supervisor and the first time he screws up, no more roof over his head). He'll probably resent you for making him be a man, but in time it will pass.
If your DS were my kid, I would scrap the college idea and start looking at trade schools. We need mechanics, plumbers, carpenters etc. Contact a local community college, there are several career aptitude type tests he could take which might lead him in some directions. He likes reading and video games so he does have some interests. I would make it clear that he needs to find a path in life, that you are willing to help him in that endeavor and want to see him find something that excites him and grabs his curiosity and interest. I am a firm believer that not every child is college material but that every child needs to learn a skill, something to sell themselves with for self sustaining adult lives.
As for the health insurance, he should now be able to stay on your plan until he is 26 years of age regardless of student or dependent status. Check with your plan provider but that was one of the first things we saw come out of the ObamaCare plan.
Make sure you have a a plan. It is not your job to make him a success. That is his responsbility. I am not saying you should be mean or unkind. But lay it out there.....You will be eighteen in xxx, at that point you will expected to move out on your own.
I think i would take him down to the local military recruiter and have him get a look at that life. It isn't pretty in many respects, but it adds structure and discipline to the lives of people who are, for whatever reason, unable to jump start themselves. It also offers a LOT of career opportuntieis, training, a hot and a cot, and a pay check. He will learn about work, having a paycheck, responsbility, and quite literally, getting his butt out of bed when he has to; not when he feels like it.
If it doesn't appeal to him, it might scare him enough to get hustling. Sounds like he doesn't have sufficient resources to put himself through even a community college (don't do anythng with him where he doesn't have skin (like tuition money) in the game).
There are lots of good suggestions here. Just remember you have done your job. He goes out the door at 18 and fends for himself. Hanging in his childhood bedroom until he is 33 isn't an option.
Heh - My average. . .was similar. Bottom 1/4. Hated my high school. Hated the students. Though I don't remember graduation ever being a specific concern. High school councilor wanted me to go vocational. . .thought college was a stupid idea.
I went to college (waitlist lower school, wrote nice letters about wanting to get in. . .and the classes I took. . and got in).. I picked Web Development. . easier than actual programming. . .after graduation worked for 2 years then used the tech boom to swing into fortune 500 company. After that. . .MBA. . then fortune 500, to fortune 500. . .salary tripped since my first job till now (averages out to about 8% raise per year. . .including 2 years while getting MBA).
Yet I went to school with this guy who got great grades. . .but had no real after school motivation. He is still there. . making probaly less than what I made in 1998
High school grades don't matter much (probably more now. . though. . I got lucky graduating in the 90s)
motivation does
My only thought is. . .find the job that motivates him. Find the area that does. Find the item. Games motivated me to computer science (and then I found C++ hard, and HTML easy). . .
I want to know what to do for him. I know he gets booted off of our medical insurance once he's 19,
highly unlikely, health care reform leaves kids on your insurance until 26. Unless your plan is grandfathered. I would look into that one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs.Bewitched
My son just graduated. Was a "C" student, average, throughout four years. At times had "F's", but was able to pull them up when it counted. Some of the grades were due to lack of effort: didn't turn in assignments. He's a very poor test taker. He struggled in high school,and we even got him a tutor, and sent him to after school for the subject he most struggled him. He barely graduated, but did.
He has no motivation. No friends- by choice. We tell him to go out all of the time. He chooses not to. He's not miserable, or depressed. We do speak to him. He would just rather sit in his room and read or play video games. He's not sociable. He just lacks any motivation. He has no goals and has no idea as to what he wants to be in life. He is not interested in anything- sports, karate, arts, n.o.t.h.i.n.g.
He applied to the university around me. Did not get in due to too low of a SAT score. He retook the SAT test three times to try to get a higher grade (it was math- a subject he struggled in). Didn't work. He's thinking that college might not be for him. I don't want to, but might tend to agree. He has applied to little jobs like McDonald's, Burger King, the neighborhood supermarket and pizza chain, but no one is hiring. It might be better when he finally turns 18 in August.
I want to know what to do for him. I know he gets booted off of our medical insurance once he's 19, if he's not in college. I don't know what path to steer him onto. I know some people say what about a trade school. But he has no clue as to what he wants. And I know he's still a kid and has a life ahead of it, but I want to help him get to that life ahead of him and I don't know how.
I don't recall anyone here saying this ^^^ or that introvert = unmotivated.
My interpretation of post number 4 is that introverts are unmotivated and I do not agree with that. I think there is something wrong with people who have absolutely no motivation at all.
He likes video games, maybe see if he wants to go in that direction, or something computer oriented. Either from developing games, phone apps, maybe graphic design, creating animation, may all spark an interest. I think app development is where I would go, or some sort of tech field.
If he isn't a good test taker, or good at studying, check out trade school as you mentioned. Its something that can't be off shored. An electrician or plumber perhaps. It doesn't seem like all glory on the outside, but I still consider going into those fields. Work a bit, open your own company, then just manage the company and sales and it can be a decent living IMO. These fields charge a pretty price for simple work, just because people are either afraid to get dirty or scared they are going to get zapped, when its really not hard stuff once you know the basics. Best of luck! And be positive, it may help build drive.
My nephew was much like your son. No direction, no motivation and quite content to sit around and watch TV all day. His parents spent 2 years trying to solve the issue with no success. They spent that time alternating between cajoling him with rewards and threatening to boot him out the door. At the suggestion of another parent, they finally hired a life coach.
They set a goal of him being employed and out of the house within 1 year. My nephew worked with the life coach on smaller goals and strategies to reach the larger goal. And he did. For him it somehow made a difference to work with a neutral 3rd party and make small (and in his mind more attainable) changes where his parents goal of employed and out in 1 year was too overwhelming. He now is a fully trained and certified auto mechanic who has his sights set on one day owning his own garage.
He might have gotten there eventually all on his own, but his parents believe the life coach made all the difference and saved their relationship with their son.
This sounds like a truly inspired idea. I am going to suggest this to my husband and see if we can't make make his happen for his son. Truly, he and his mom need help to get out of the rut they are in. A third party may be just what is called for.
Your son maybe has to learn one thing. That one thing is that sitting home, being supported by mom and dad while he does absolutely nothing is not an option.
As parents you can give him options. I would give him four options.
join the military
leave the house and get his own apartment, how he supports himself is his choice
stay home, enroll in college or community college full time
stay home, go to trade school full time
He's still not eighteen, so still very young. But I'd give him no more than 4-5 months to decide which option he wants. In that period of time you will offer to help him go to life counseling, career counseling, whatever to help him explore and discover interests and aptitudes..
Doing nothing is not one of his options. You will have to be very firm. He may even test you on that and you have to be willing to shove him out the door and change the locks. If you don't he may be there in 20 years still doing nothing. If doing nothing is his choice, then he can do it in a homeless shelter and soup kitchen. Sometimes the very real world needs to intrude in a young man's life as a wake up call. In other words, don't make doing nothing comfortable for him. Never be an enabler.
PS- he can be on your health insurance until he's 26, even if he doesn't live at home. As of 2010, under the Affordable Care Act, if your health plan offers coverage for dependents, it must extend coverage to age 26.
^^^This.
This may sound harsh, but there seems to be way too much coddling going on here and in some of the responses. Figuring out a career to suit interests and motivation is all good and great - but if the OP's son has already declared he has no interest or motivation to do anything, well guess what - then you need to suck it up and do something not particularly exciting or interesting, because that's how you support yourself in the real world. Most people in fact have a job to make money, not because it's interesting or exciting to them. As long as mommy and daddy are willing to put a roof over his head, why would he decide to get off the couch?
I say no aptitude tests and career counselors all that BS. Tell him that he's out of high school now, so if he wants to keep living at home he needs to either be in school full-time or get a full-time job and pay rent. Even if it's burger flipping. Otherwise, he's out. What field he goes in is entirely up to him - don't run around offering brochures. Give a grace period, say 6 months for him to decide what he wants to do and get going. And I'm not usually a proponent of tough love. But I've seen cases like that where the parents just kept enabling, and what they turn into - in one instance, the 30 year old man-child who steals money from his mom and yells at her to do the laundry. Don't let it get to that.
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