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This thread is just plain scary. I don't have kids but the idea of being the one doing most or all of the work while dad plays video games scares and saddens me. I have to wonder if the signs were there beforehand but good for you OP for checking into counseling. Sadly though there are still men who don't do their fair share. A guy at work became a dad and he always talks about how his wife does majority of everything because he's "not good with babies". She breastfeeds and she changes diapers and gets up with the baby. Oddly, most of the men said he was wrong. This is my biggest fear of having kids that I would get stuck doing a majority.
I don't know what those other responsibilities would be.
You can divide this up on your own to arrive at your own conclusion.
Mowing/Landscaping
Garbage
Bills
Repair work around the house (much goes unnoticed)
Equipment setup around the house
Car-related maintenance
Cooking/dishes
Laundry
Chauffeuring kids
Doc appts
Vacuuming
Homework
The fact of the matter is that the OP has NO POWER to change her husband's behavior. You cannot change another person's behavior, no matter how badly you want to or how much you try. You can only change YOUR BEHAVIOR and how you respond to the situation.
I wish that people would quit giving the OP advice as to what steps to go through to change his behavior. It's not going to work. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER. The husband knows what he is doing. He is consciously removing himself from the situation. In order to change that you have to make him WANT to be around you. How is that accomplished? By giving him lots of positive reinforcement, love, attention, affection and showing him that *every little thing, no matter how small* is appreciated beyond belief. When, and only when HE wants to be part of the family, foregoing his video games, will circumstances change.
You have got to set out the honey for your flies, not the vinegar.
20yrsinBranson
Last edited by Jaded; 07-24-2013 at 01:32 AM..
Reason: Please don't discuss what you believe a mod has done on the public forum
Mowing/Landscaping - DH, although I do it from time to time too
Garbage - We both do this. He forgets a lot.
Bills - I am in charge of the finances
Repair work around the house (much goes unnoticed) - this is my DHs job
Equipment setup around the house - both responsible here
Car-related maintenance - I take care of my own car
Cooking/dishes - I do all of the cooking and all of the dishes (excpet for a rare "treat" when the dish fairy decides to make an appearance)
Laundry - I do 80% of it.
Chauffeuring kids - me here too.
Doc appts - DH does not want to come (can't take time off work) so this is all me too
Vacuuming - 90% of the time me too.
Homework - does not apply
You can divide this up on your own to arrive at your own conclusion.
Mowing/Landscaping
Garbage
Bills
Repair work around the house (much goes unnoticed)
Equipment setup around the house
Car-related maintenance
Cooking/dishes
Laundry
Chauffeuring kids
Doc appts
Vacuuming
Homework
Does mom do all that? Can't imagine.
Women by and large do most on at least half on that list. I also challenge that the vast majority are handy to boot. Anyhow, this is not a list these guys are too busy with to forgo caring for their kids.
The mod must have cut the reply to my previous comment about the OP's three options being the worst advice ever.
The fact of the matter is that the OP has NO POWER to change her husband's behavior. You cannot change another person's behavior, no matter how badly you want to or how much you try. You can only change YOUR BEHAVIOR and how you respond to the situation.
I wish that people would quit giving the OP advice as to what steps to go through to change his behavior. It's not going to work. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER. The husband knows what he is doing. He is consciously removing himself from the situation. In order to change that you have to make him WANT to be around you. How is that accomplished? By giving him lots of positive reinforcement, love, attention, affection and showing him that *every little thing, no matter how small* is appreciated beyond belief. When, and only when HE wants to be part of the family, foregoing his video games, will circumstances change.
You have got to set out the honey for your flies, not the vinegar.
20yrsinBranson
I do agree, I have no power to change him. Been talking to a counsor about this. I have made an extra effort to tell him how wonderful it is when he does something with the kids. Like last night, he put down the computer after dinner (and through bath!!), and read to my toddler while I played with the twins. Usually he asks why I feel like I have to tell him I appreciate it.
This thread is just plain scary. I don't have kids but the idea of being the one doing most or all of the work while dad plays video games scares and saddens me. I have to wonder if the signs were there beforehand but good for you OP for checking into counseling. Sadly though there are still men who don't do their fair share. A guy at work became a dad and he always talks about how his wife does majority of everything because he's "not good with babies". She breastfeeds and she changes diapers and gets up with the baby. Oddly, most of the men said he was wrong. This is my biggest fear of having kids that I would get stuck doing a majority.
What is scarier than the behavior itself is that some people excuse it because he's a man.
He had half the responsibility making the kids, he should do half the work to take care of them. Genetics and hormones my ass.
Mowing/Landscaping - DH, although I do it from time to time too
Garbage - We both do this. He forgets a lot.
Bills - I am in charge of the finances
Repair work around the house (much goes unnoticed) - this is my DHs job
Equipment setup around the house - both responsible here
Car-related maintenance - I take care of my own car
Cooking/dishes - I do all of the cooking and all of the dishes (excpet for a rare "treat" when the dish fairy decides to make an appearance)
Laundry - I do 80% of it.
Chauffeuring kids - me here too.
Doc appts - DH does not want to come (can't take time off work) so this is all me too
Vacuuming - 90% of the time me too.
Homework - does not apply
Your husband does more than mine. We both work full-time (I'm the breadwinner) but because my job is not physical (I sit at a desk, he works on cars) he doesn't feel like he should do as much. He watches her when I make bottles, cook dinner, fold clothes, but he'll only go as far as changing a diaper. Forget about feeding her or giving her a bath. I tell him she'll only be a baby for a short time. I think he thinks he'll help out more when she's older, but I'm afraid he may just get used to how things are. We both complain that the other isn't doing enough. It's a cycle.
As far as your husband - maybe add one task at a time so it doesn't appear overwhelming. Or maybe even suggest joining him, you both can play games AFTER you both get the kid chores done. Ask him to show you what he's doing as if you have an interest. I totally understand how hard it can be convincing him to take on more - their defense come up and they think since we're the mother it's our duty to provide more.
Chime in men - what would work for you??
I do play the game occasionally. But most nights I fall asleep in my daughters bed putting her to sleep. I also do talk to him about what he is doing with the game. But my playing time is like 3-5 hours a week, if even that. I just don't have time to dedicate to a game.
Oh, and I would love to hear from other men what has worked/what would work for them. Its hard, because I know and like the other poster mentioned I can't make him want to spend time with his children.
Women by and large do most on at least half on that list. I also challenge that the vast majority are handy to boot. Anyhow, this is not a list these guys are too busy with to forgo caring for their kids.
You asked what else they could be responsible for that kids duties fall into moms' laps. You couldn't think of anything. It's not a list of things they need to do at that moment that they can't go pick up the kids - it's a list of responsibilities that could be split between them and they follow that routine.
Tell me why you think the overwhelming majority of pick-up / drop-off duties is mom. Maybe because they can't / won't do the others? You even said it - half.
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