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I'd take the approach that YOU are volunteering to take the girls for the day, not that your children are volunteering for an all day play date. Consider it as if you are babysitting the other girls and your kids just happen to be there. Plan things for the other girls to do with you, arts/crafts, make lunch together, movie time after lunch, trip to the park....etc. Make sure your children are not responsible for keeping the girls entertained, that is your job in this agreement.
Once that is established and you are truly the one responsible for what is going on, your children can decide whether to join in or do their own thing in their own room.
You will be honoring your own agreement to help the other family and you will show honor to your children in their personal issues with these girls.
I am going to take the other side of the argument. Our family comes first, and while it is nice to teach our kids all the wonderful lessons of life, it is also important to teach them that not everyone is someone we have to like or associate with.
I would talk to the Mom and lay it out exactly like it is. If my kids were not being the kind of children others wanted to be around I would certainly want to know so I could take a closer look at their behavior. It may go over not well, but my guess is that this information will not come as a shock to the parents. She might be mad and you might lose a "friend", but that happens sometimes in life.
The other posters are beating up on you for no reason, you have laid out a very simple question and if it is as you describe you do not need to expose your own kids to the nastiness of the others. Charity starts at home, and it is easy for others to sit back and criticize you, but if they were in your shoes they might very well do differently than they say.
Do what is best for your kids and family and let your heart tell you what to do, not a bunch of internet psychologists.
Who is beating up on her? She asked and people have given their opinions and some very good suggestions.
The OP offered to help out this family. The mother is ill and needing help. Do you really think that's the time to tell her about her daughters? That would be pretty low.
How does that go down? "Hey, I know I offered to help if you needed anything. But your request isn't really convenient for us as your daughters are mean brats. Sorry you are going what you are going through. If you need help that doesn't involve interaction with your girls then let me know".
I don't know what the mothers illness is or how severe it is or how long it's been going on. It's always possible those circumstances are affecting the daughters and that is why they are acting out. Or they are just mean.
At any rate, I think the idea of doing something - movie, museum, whatever, will make it easier on all parties.
Who is beating up on her? She asked and people have given their opinions and some very good suggestions.
The OP offered to help out this family. The mother is ill and needing help. Do you really think that's the time to tell her about her daughters? That would be pretty low.
How does that go down? "Hey, I know I offered to help if you needed anything. But your request isn't really convenient for us as your daughters are mean brats. Sorry you are going what you are going through. If you need help that doesn't involve interaction with your girls then let me know".
I don't know what the mothers illness is or how severe it is or how long it's been going on. It's always possible those circumstances are affecting the daughters and that is why they are acting out. Or they are just mean.
At any rate, I think the idea of doing something - movie, museum, whatever, will make it easier on all parties.
Exactly...not to mention it's one day. One. She didn't ask if her daughters could move in for a week while she and her husband jet off to Tahiti.
If you do help, one positive is you'll likely get the opportunity to build a rapport with these girls, and talk to them about how their behavior comes across. The meanest kids are usually the ones walking around with the most hurt inside...
I'd take the approach that YOU are volunteering to take the girls for the day, not that your children are volunteering for an all day play date. Consider it as if you are babysitting the other girls and your kids just happen to be there. Plan things for the other girls to do with you, arts/crafts, make lunch together, movie time after lunch, trip to the park....etc. Make sure your children are not responsible for keeping the girls entertained, that is your job in this agreement.
Once that is established and you are truly the one responsible for what is going on, your children can decide whether to join in or do their own thing in their own room.
You will be honoring your own agreement to help the other family and you will show honor to your children in their personal issues with these girls.
We have a family who we are not close with, but they are friends. We don't do much w/ them, but have been to the same neighborhood functions & our children are the same ages, in the same grades.
I have gone to afew "mom's night out" w/ this woman ( along w/ several others) and we find them ( parents) to be really nice people.
Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for their daughters , so our children do not do much together unless again, it is a neighborhood arranged activity or something for school, dance ,etc..
Their oldest especiallybis just not a nice girl. She is however, a very smart & sneaky girl who knows exactly when she should be putting on an act formher parents.
She is so nasty to my daughter and really only speaks to her when it is " necessary". When her other friends are around, it is as though my daughter does not exist.
The good thing is that my daughter doesn't care for her much ( because of the way she acts) & so she just kind of doesn't bother with her.
Unfortunately, the mom has been sick & they have needed to reach out to others this Summer for help. I have offered once or twice but they had many offers, so I really haven't done too much. Thry have now asked if we would mind taking their girls for a day because the dad will be out of town all day one day this week. My daughters really do not want to spend a day with their daughhters. "Pretending" to like each oher, knowing that the next day, they won't bother with them.
Our girls are only (7 & 11) so they don't really understand when I say we should just do it because it is the right thing to do, to help out, grin & bear it... They see it as them always having to be the "nice" ones.
I would love to help because it is he right thing to do & the parents are such nice people. I know they would be shocked to learn their girls can be so nasty. At the same time, it isn't fair for my girls to be treated the way they are.
What would you do?
I think it is a perfect example to show your children that sometimes you have to do things that you don't really want to do. I like the idea of a movie or something where the kids don't have to interact for a chunk of time. I think they are old enough to understand that you and the mother are friends and that you are helping out a friend.
7 and 11 is plenty old enough to understand that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do because you are human and kind. Take the girls, invite some other kids over for the day and plan some fun things for everyone to do together. Go to the park, the zoo, whatever you have around you so it's not just your girls and them. Maybe their mom's illness will change them, you never know.
but I just don't think it is fair I have to stay here & pretend to be friends w/ "Susie" when she is so mean to me" .
Look, life is not fair. And it is especially not fair when you choose to take the high road. So, if you want to teach your children about being the "bigger person", teaching them that fairness isn't always a part of it needs to take place, too.
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