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I would talk to the Mom and lay it out exactly like it is.
I wouldn't. She's sick.
Were she healthy, sure. You have a nice glass of tea and say, "You're my friend and I hope you'd tell me the same thing....." Then you nicely tell her about her kids and sit back when she tells you about YOUR little darlings.
When someone is so sick they can't take care of their own children? No. That mother doesn't need even more on her plate. It's one day. One.day. I'm a little surprised it's even an issue.
I would not let the kids determine what I would do and my relationship with the other parents.
The kids don't ever have to go to Happy Hour together, you can still help the parents out if you feel like doing so. Just like you wouldn't interfere with their friendships, they shouldn't be the ones that determine yours.
Thanks all... I talked to my daughters tonight and they understand that we are helping them...
We are going to go do something ( as suggested) together ....
I would plan a day full of "activities" without any down time or unsupervised time where something nasty could be said. I would do it with a smile on my face knowing that I was doing a good thing for a nice woman who didn't ask to get sick.
I would try to remember that having mom be sick is very stressful, and rather than getting all Judgy-McJudgerson on the 11-year-old, I would try to look at her with compassion. I would also try to remember that sometimes kids can seem a little rotten in phases, but grow up to be nice people. Goodness knows if my mother had thought I was going to turn out as an adult like I was at 13, she probably would've given up and moved to a land far away. But I turned out okay and this girl may too.
I would also remember that your own "perfect" children may act very different when they are around other people. I'm always surprised by the number of parents who announce that their child would never call another child a bad name or participate in bullying behavior. You'd be surprised how much of that goes on in middle school and how good kids are at identifying when other kids are committing an act of bullying, while remaining oblivious to their own behaviors that are very similar. It's a work in progress at this age. Good luck.
Their daughters are around the same age? Cant they be left alone for a period of time? Also take your daughters elsewhere for the day like an arcade/leave them. Keep them away from the mean girls. None of this 'right thing to do is go *********rself over for people who hate you' garbage.
I would try to remember that having mom be sick is very stressful, and rather than getting all Judgy-McJudgerson on the 11-year-old, I would try to look at her with compassion. I would also try to remember that sometimes kids can seem a little rotten in phases, but grow up to be nice people. Goodness knows if my mother had thought I was going to turn out as an adult like I was at 13, she probably would've given up and moved to a land far away. But I turned out okay and this girl may too.
I would also remember that your own "perfect" children may act very different when they are around other people. I'm always surprised by the number of parents who announce that their child would never call another child a bad name or participate in bullying behavior. You'd be surprised how much of that goes on in middle school and how good kids are at identifying when other kids are committing an act of bullying, while remaining oblivious to their own behaviors that are very similar. It's a work in progress at this age. Good luck.
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I would just like to clarify that I not once stated my children were "perfect". Do I know that my daughter has never said a mean-spirited thing to this girl? Not really, but she is a very shy child and does not like confrontations at all, so chances are slim she has said anythung because she barely speaks ....
I will tell everyone that I did witness this particular girl "in action" one day at our community pool. My daughter & her closest friend were walking by this girl & her little "clique" ( always her & 3 other girls.) and my dh & her friend stopped, said "hi" and the 4 girls said nothing , my dh & her friend were sticking their feet in the water and this girl began to "shoo" my dh & her friend away as if they were flies! With a flick of their hands they sqid "okay, you can leave now". I was standing close enough to witness & hear it. I was taken bck a little, but wasn't going to cause a scene in frint of anyone, but I let it be known that I heard them & saw them... SO, there are valid reasons why my daughter is not fond of her.
I would just like to clarify that I not once stated my children were "perfect". Do I know that my daughter has never said a mean-spirited thing to this girl? Not really, but she is a very shy child and does not like confrontations at all, so chances are slim she has said anythung because she barely speaks ....
I will tell everyone that I did witness this particular girl "in action" one day at our community pool. My daughter & her closest friend were walking by this girl & her little "clique" ( always her & 3 other girls.) and my dh & her friend stopped, said "hi" and the 4 girls said nothing , my dh & her friend were sticking their feet in the water and this girl began to "shoo" my dh & her friend away as if they were flies! With a flick of their hands they sqid "okay, you can leave now". I was standing close enough to witness & hear it. I was taken bck a little, but wasn't going to cause a scene in frint of anyone, but I let it be known that I heard them & saw them... SO, there are valid reasons why my daughter is not fond of her.
And truthfully? Kids need to be able to pick their own friends by this age, and that's FINE. However, I am a little surprised by a grown woman who seems quite so upset at an 11-year-old. This is a little girl. You're an adult. Kids make mistakes, do mean things (and if you don't believe your daughter has ever done something unkind in her life... I'm a little surprised by that... no kid is perfect... making mistakes is part of growing up), and can be cliquey at this age. It seems like you're taking this very personally on behalf of your daughter.
I'd take the approach that YOU are volunteering to take the girls for the day, not that your children are volunteering for an all day play date. Consider it as if you are babysitting the other girls and your kids just happen to be there. Plan things for the other girls to do with you, arts/crafts, make lunch together, movie time after lunch, trip to the park....etc. Make sure your children are not responsible for keeping the girls entertained, that is your job in this agreement.
Once that is established and you are truly the one responsible for what is going on, your children can decide whether to join in or do their own thing in their own room.
You will be honoring your own agreement to help the other family and you will show honor to your children in their personal issues with these girls.
This is what I was going to say...only hypocore said it better!
You can Give your own children options for other things to do. They can catch up on their summer reading, do 'chores' such as putting away their laundry, trying on last years clothes to get ready for back to school, or some other activity the guests won't want to do; or even send one or both of your own to another friend's house to play, etc. In a pinch you could take all the kids to the summer movie matinee so they won't have to interact with each other. If you are providing tons of supervision, you can pull this off.
And truthfully? Kids need to be able to pick their own friends by this age, and that's FINE. However, I am a little surprised by a grown woman who seems quite so upset at an 11-year-old. This is a little girl. You're an adult. Kids make mistakes, do mean things (and if you don't believe your daughter has ever done something unkind in her life... I'm a little surprised by that... no kid is perfect... making mistakes is part of growing up), and can be cliquey at this age. It seems like you're taking this very personally on behalf of your daughter.
No, I am not, really. I don't really get involved too much w/ who my children are friends with.. This particular girl is just particulary nasty and her parents are very nice people who we are going to help..
As I said, my daughters understand we are helping and that is that...
She has a mother who is so ill she cannot stay by herself.
God only knows how she's going to act out. Have you had to cope with your feelings when someone you love is very, very ill? She's a KID and her mother is sick. If you can't cut her a break or if you think your daughters can't handle it then cancel.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 08-19-2013 at 08:29 PM..
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and this girl may too. 
