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My 18 yo moved in with her boyfriend. I am beside myself. This is such a mistake. I cannot believe his parents allowed her to move in with him in their house. She's going go the local community college and doesn't even have a job. I'm so afraid she won't finish school now. I can see her falling into the trap of getting pregnant thinking someone will take care of her. Her boyfriend is lucky to get 30 hours a week in. This is a disaster waiting to happen. What the hell is wrong with his parents?
On top of this, dd#2 (15) came home drunk from a party on Saturday and dh got the bright idea to run her into the police station where she was arrested and we now have to go to court. So she's a basket case. She keeps crying that she's a cheerleader and an honor student and shouldn't be going to court and about what ****ty parents she has and how her friends can tell their parents about parties and she has to lie....
I just want to sit down and cry.
I feel like a total failure as a mother right now. How did things get this screwed up?
On top of this, dd#2 (15) came home drunk from a party on Saturday and dh got the bright idea to run her into the police station where she was arrested and we now have to go to court. So she's a basket case. She keeps crying that she's a cheerleader and an honor student and shouldn't be going to court and about what ****ty parents she has and how her friends can tell their parents about parties and she has to lie....
I feel like a total failure as a mother right now. How did things get this screwed up?
Moderator Cut.
So many RED FLAGS go off for me on your very short post.
Your husband thinks he's tough by bringing his little girl to the police station? That is not parenting. Moderator Cut
First step that you need to do, is NOT make this situation about YOU! Your kids should not have to worry about how mommy feels over every thing they do!
But with that said, everything is going to be OK. You're whole family should go to counseling, which I suggest an actual professional though for one on one sessions, like a psychiatrist or psychologist.
Moderator Cut.
However, if you are able and willing to LEARN about the real problems , and work on GOOD communication , to set healthy boundaries , and learn how to have your family act all on the SAME team again, you will win!
Sadly it sounds like your husband will refuse to go to counseling.
Good luck!
Last edited by Jaded; 11-04-2013 at 07:33 PM..
Reason: Flaming and name calling
For the 18 year old... you have now become part of the generations and generations of parents that had to grit their teeth and watch their now adult children do stupid, stupid things. Unlike what this thread is sure to turn into, I do not believe every time a 18-24 year old does something dumb it is a result of "bad parenting". It's not like you told your daughter that she should make college a low priority while she lived with her boyfriend as soon as she was legal. This is on her. Right now, you need to wait for her to correct her own mistake, or hope she has it more together than you think and will indeed complete her education. She very well might be in that place where she needs to establish she's "grown", and will not listen to you or anyone else. She'll come back around to you when she's more secure in her own independence, but for now you need to (as painful as it is) sit back and let her drive her own ship. Make it clear you disapprove and why, then leave her be.
For child #2... your husband made a big mistake. But it is possible she'll escape without a record. Get a lawyer ASAP and work your connections. Teenagers will sometimes drink because... they mess up. It's part of who they are. It's just a matter of how they will screw the pooch. You are not a bad parent because your kid chose this particular way to be a teen. But I would probably review what lead up to her doing this and adjust accordingly. And let her understand that the bottom line is this wouldn't be happening if she hadn't chosen to get drunk, daddy's mistake or not. No excuses. Life does these kinds of things to you sometimes when you put yourself in the position to get the business. It's okay for her to cry, then she has to pull it together and figure out how to fix it. Make sure she's part of those conversations.
Go somewhere and do something for you to help relieve the stress. Hugs to you.
Thanks. I'll look at it. This is what happened here. She was here yesterday and today her stuff has been moved to his parent's house. I don't get it because up until today, they've pretty much been hanging out here. He spent more time here than at home. However, we did say no to sleep overs. Obviously, his parents didn't.
Dd#2 is another mess. I'm so mad at myself for not stopping dh from taking her to the police station but I really didn't think anything would happen. I thought they'd think it was a joke that a father was bringing his daughter in or that he'd turn around before he got there.
I'm sorry but it sounds like you guys do not know how to be respectful to your kids. Thus your kids almost always feel as though it's them verse you. Please take my advice in seeking therapy now, before more drama entails.
For the 18 year old... you have now become part of the generations and generations of parents that had to grit their teeth and watch their now adult children do stupid, stupid things. Unlike what this thread is sure to turn into, I do not believe every time a 18-24 year old does something dumb it is a result of "bad parenting". It's not like you told your daughter that she should make college a low priority while she lived with her boyfriend as soon as she was legal. This is on her. Right now, you need to wait for her to correct her own mistake, or hope she has it more together than you think and will indeed complete her education. She very well might be in that place where she needs to establish she's "grown", and will not listen to you or anyone else. She'll come back around to you when she's more secure in her own independence, but for now you need to (as painful as it is) sit back and let her drive her own ship. Make it clear you disapprove and why, then leave her be.
For child #2... your husband made a big mistake. But it is possible she'll escape without a record. Get a lawyer ASAP and work your connections. Teenagers will sometimes drink because... they mess up. It's part of who they are. It's just a matter of how they will screw the pooch. You are not a bad parent because your kid chose this particular way to be a teen. But I would probably review what lead up to her doing this and adjust accordingly. And let her understand that the bottom line is this wouldn't be happening if she hadn't chosen to get drunk, daddy's mistake or not. No excuses. Life does these kinds of things to you sometimes when you put yourself in the position to get the business. It's okay for her to cry, then she has to pull it together and figure out how to fix it. Make sure she's part of those conversations.
Go somewhere and do something for you to help relieve the stress. Hugs to you.
Thanks. I've already had that talk with her. I told her that she's correct that this would not have happened if her dad hadn't taken her in to the police but it also would not have happened if she had not shown up home drunk. Her problem is she sees nothing wrong with that. In her world, she's a cheerleader, she's taking 4 AP classes, she's in tumbling classes and taking piano lessons and she's owed having a few drinks once a month at a party. If she were 21, I'd agree. At 15, she does not need this. She just doesn't get how impaired your judgment can be when drinking. I'm hoping that's one thing that comes out of this. Sober, I doubt she would have argued with the cops. It was her own belligerence that got her arrested but she's 15 and was 3 sheets to the wind. I told dh this needed to wait until morning. I wish I'd stood my ground. I really thought he'd come back with egg on his face and we'd deal with it in the morning.
Thank you for the support. You're right about dd#1. I pulled the same thing at 18 only I didn't move in with his parents. Just him. That's why I know it's such a mistake. I just pray she stays in school and doesn't get knocked up. It is so hard watching them make the mistakes you made. Well, dd#1, anyway. I never drank as a teen....or try to argue with cop.
I moved out when I was 18 because my mom treated me like crap. She had rules for me that were much stricter than my 15 year old sister's rules (I had a 10 pm curfew but my sister was allowed to stay out as late as she wanted). I worked full time, went to college full time, and did all the housework and the cooking, plus watching my youngest sister who was a preschooler at the time. My mom actually got mad and kicked me out, put my stuff in the yard while I was at work. She didn't think I'd really leave, she said later...a couple months later, when I called to invite her to my wedding the next day.
Anyhow, no idea how your relationship with your daughter is but she didn't move out just so she could have sex with her boyfriend, there has to be more to the story.
And about the 15 year old, taking her to the police station might turn out to be an expensive lesson for all three of you, and it may delay her getting a driver's license, but it may be just the wakeup call she needs to avoid a worse lesson later...getting drunk and being raped by lots of guys while they record video of it, driving drunk and getting in a wreck, etc.
I moved out when I was 18 because my mom treated me like crap. She had rules for me that were much stricter than my 15 year old sister's rules (I had a 10 pm curfew but my sister was allowed to stay out as late as she wanted). I worked full time, went to college full time, and did all the housework and the cooking, plus watching my youngest sister who was a preschooler at the time. My mom actually got mad and kicked me out, put my stuff in the yard while I was at work. She didn't think I'd really leave, she said later...a couple months later, when I called to invite her to my wedding the next day.
Anyhow, no idea how your relationship with your daughter is but she didn't move out just so she could have sex with her boyfriend, there has to be more to the story.
And about the 15 year old, taking her to the police station might turn out to be an expensive lesson for all three of you, and it may delay her getting a driver's license, but it may be just the wakeup call she needs to avoid a worse lesson later...getting drunk and being raped by lots of guys while they record video of it, driving drunk and getting in a wreck, etc.
Dd#1 had one chore. Mowing the lawn which we paid her $20 to do. That was her only source of income. She was driving our car that we put gas in and not paying rent. She had no curfew but we did ask that she be considerate and let us know when to expect her home. She says it's because her dad didn't tell her what had happened with her sister after the party but that's just an excuse and I know it. I don't really get it. She and her boyfriend hung out here regularly. So much so we planned dinner for 5 every night not 4. While I would have liked her to get a part time job, I was just happy she was in school and that seemed to be going well. She has been quite pleasant lately. I don't get it.
I didn't even think of dd#2's driver's license. That is going to crush her. She was looking forward to getting it after her birthday. I think I won't tell her about that just yet. I agree on her needing to learn a lesson. She has no idea how scary the world can be. She thinks because she's with people she knows she's safe but some really bad things have happened to girls who were drinking heavily. I get that teens will experiment but getting drunk is dangerous.
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How did things get this screwed up?
