Compliments make us feel good (ideas, autism, average, support)
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I want to talk about a couple of things that happened over the weekend.
I have a special needs teen, who in spite of his anxiety, wanted to attend a Star Trek Convention with us over the weekend. He did wonderful.
But here is what I really liked. And I am not saying this to brag in any way.
twice Friday night, they had trivia games. I let the kids play, aware of how difficult they are and I made it clear that the questions are very hard and not to get mad when they lose. They both lost, were happy with the consolation prizes but really happy that they got included.
After the game, two different older adults told me what a great parent I am, how I am doing such a good job raising smart, happy kids.
A third told me that looking at my kids, I am obviously doing everything right.
But it did not end there. I spoke with many people who complimented me on my kid's curiosity, intelligence, their ability to think and interact. Including the borderline autistic one. Now he left the show early on Sunday, said it was making him too anxious. Someone pointed out that he seemed like he did not like all the attention he was getting on Saturday while wearing his Star Trek costume. (He was stopped constantly for photos) He was good natured about it,
And accommodating to every request. I lost count, he says it was over 50.
It makes me feel good to get compliment like this, because in a way, I am parenting from scratch, always have been with them.
My parents, for lack of a better word, totally failed as parents. I vowed never to be like them, and I have not been.
I would not have had either the confidence, or the support, or the motivation at 14 to make and don a costume at a convention . (like I ever would have gone)
My parents, basically, sucked as parents. To write about all the things they did wrong would encompass enough volumes to make Ulysses look like a short story.
I have had to learn to be a parent, having only them as an example.
And it has been a challenge, because it is not only "do what they would not do" but "Do what works, whatever that is"
I have something they never had: 2 confident, curious, and overall fun kids. Kids who do well in school and seek on their own to learn more. Kids who go to an event, and impress everyone with their knowledge and yet remain humble and down to earth in spite of it all.
And it really makes me feel like I have done something right, when strangers point this out.
I am far from perfect. My kids are far from perfect. But they are still awesome kids.
My parents raised three kids. The youngest learned to steal about the time she learned to walk. She was arrested at least once that I know for certain as a teen, she was fired from who knows how many jobs for stealing. She had an eating disorder, weighed 300 + pounds in high school. Now, as an adult, she has a multitude of health problems and cannot even support herself and her kids after three failed marriages. Her parents must be proud, as they still support her financially.
The middle child is one of the most hateful persons known, a proud, card carrying member of the KKK. Something he (and he alone) seems to think is admirable.
The one writing to you spent two long years with a therapist to overcome the personality disorders and depression caused by his upbringing. He lives a few thousand miles away from everyone else and maintains very little contact with them. He had no good examples of parenting, and is considering writing a book about overcoming. Of course, his writing skills are average at best, and his story may not be that unique..... Although it may appeal to new parents who need to understand how important it is to break the chains of learned behavior which is detrimental to children.
I have watched my 14 year old overcome his anxiety disorders which go with his autism. 8 yeas ago, we could not do conventions, amusement parks, or anything with a crowd. Now, he can calmly say "I am getting anxious around this crowd, I need to leave" And excuse himself from the situation. Calmly.
He was stopped, he says, a total of 57 times for photos. Many people wanted photos with him as well, so he was good natured about it, stayed in character, and stopped when requested. (For those of you non-nerdy types, who may not know, it is proper etiquette at a sci-fi convention to allow photos IF you choose to dress up in a costume or as a character. ) The understood rule is, If you dress up, you WILL be photographed. If this bothers you, then do not do it. In years past , he would not have wanted to be photographed. IN Fact, I searched Instagram and found him on there already
Fact is, I would at his age, never had the confidence to do that, not to mention parental support (I had to help with the costume, which was his idea, but I do not allow him to work the power tools. )
I would like to hear seriously, if there are other parents inn my situation, raised by bad parents, and who have overcome and found ways to be a good parent. I am happy to share my rules and ideas and would appreciate any of you who had less than good parents (IF there are ) Please share ideas, I will gladly posts as well.
THANKS everyone...it is YOU the good parents, who inspire us, with your tips tricks stories ideas that people like myself have taken from your bogs your posts, from conversations at school events and camps. Parenting does take a village, and I am trying to be part of that.
This is a nice reminder to those of us that are no longer "in the trenches" of daily parenting. It always made me feel great when a stranger complimented me on the behavior of my children. I sometimes will compliment another parent when I notice good behavior, but I need to make a point of doing this more frequently. Time to pay it back.
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